Everybody Loves Gaara
by whisperedthreats
Summary: Kankurou and Temari are tired of Gaara bossing them around. So they decide to get back at him by hosting a sitcom which explores every aspect of his life and reveals them to the general public. Ha!
1. Thought Process

Chapter One: Thought Process

**A/N: My brother and I were seated on the sofa. Both of us were thinking. "Hey, why don't we write a fic about Gaara's life?" my brother asked. I was like, "Totally!" And thus, this fic was born. Don't get us wrong, we love the Suna siblings. Especially Gaara, because he's so darn adorable. Well, **_**I **_**think so anyway. We just decided to make a parody of his life because we thought it would be **_**fun!**_

Kankurou and Temari were seated on the sofa. Both of them were fuming.

"I'm tired of that Gaara bossing us around!" Kankurou exclaimed, "I mean, who does he think he is? He just made me clean all the bathrooms in the house!"

"Totally. He made _me _clean out-" Temari paused dramatically. She swallowed. "He made me clean out The Shed."

Kankurou gasped and he turned blue. "That fiend! Not The Shed!"

"Oh yes The Shed," wailed Temari.

"I say we get back at him!" cried Kankurou defiantly. The fiend who made his sister clean out The Shed just _had _to be dealt with.

"Kankurou!" gasped Temari, "don't be an idiot! He'll kill you!"

"But if we do it secretly, he wouldn't know right?"

"I'd like to see you try to keep a secret from Gaara," scoffed Temari.

"Do you _want _to clean out The Shed again?" Kankurou asked darkly.

"Heavens no!" cried Temari.

"Then work with me," said Kankurou, "we'll think of some brilliant plan. I'm sure of it."

"Here he comes!" warned Temari.

Gaara glanced at them and raised an eyebrow-if he had eyebrows! "What are the two of you doing? Plotting a conspiracy against me? Do you have a death wish?"

"Gaara!" said Temari, "Don't be so cold! Why would you think your big brother and sister are plotting against you? We love you!"

Gaara narrowed his eyes.

"Of course Gaara! We love you! I mean you are our little brother and brothers and sisters have to stick together right? I mean even if we were, you could exterminate us in like a second right? We know that!" said Kankurou rather convincingly.

"Hmph," said Gaara and he walked away.

"Phew," said Temari, "that was close. So what do you reckon we should do?"

"I was thinking along the lines of pranks," said Kankurou thoughtfully.

"PRANKS?!"

"Yes pranks. Great idea huh Temari?"

"DO YOU THINK GAARA IS GOING TO FALL FOR PRANKS?"

"Fall for what?" Gaara had come back.

"Fall for Sakura Haruno, that pink-haired Konoha girl," said Kankurou, with creativity.

"I told him you wouldn't, but he insisted you would," said Temari.

"Hey-I mean yeah, that's what I said. But now I am thoroughly convinced by Temari's side of the argument. You'd _never _fall for her," added Kankurou hastily, giving Temari the evil eye.

"Yeah," agreed Temari.

Gaara appeared unconvinced. "Do you seriously want to be killed?"

"NO!" said Kankurou and Temari in unison.

"Fine. Then clean The Shed or prepare to be crushed!" hissed Gaara.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Kankurou and Temari in unison.

With their heads bowed, then went outside in the dry Suna wind to resign to their fate.

**We have no idea whatsoever about Temari and Kankurou's great fear of The Shed. We also do not know why Gaara enjoys using it to terrorise them. How very random. Oh yes, this fic could become dangerously random. Sorry about the short chapter. But we promise, they'll be longer the next time. Haha. I hope you've enjoyed this chapter.**


	2. The Pilot Episode

**A/N: Just to let you people know (in case you don't know), this is going to be a joint project between me and my brother so we will refer to ourselves to 'we'. There we go. Enjoy this chapter ok people?**

Chapter Two: The Pilot Episode

"Hey Temari!" called Kankurou excitedly. Temari who was in the middle of watching a extremely soppy soap opera looked up, tears in her eyes.

"Y-y-es?" her voice was shaky.

"Look what I found! It's perfect for Le Plan!"

The tears magically vanished and Temari ran over to see what Kankurou had found.

It was a large auditorium that could seat three hundred thousand and an expansive stage made of polished mahogany and fine, velvet curtains. There were pyrotechnic systems in place as well killer light and sound system that seemed too advanced for their era.

Temari's jaw dropped.

"What the HELL?"

"Knarly dude!" cried Kankurou, punching the air.

"Where did you get this?" demanded Temari.

"I think this is Baki's private studio cum auditorium," said Kankurou.

"How did you know?" asked Temari.

"It's on the sign on the door."

Temari glanced at the entrance of the auditorium. It read: _Baki's Private Studio Cum Auditorium_.

"Oh."

"I wonder, how come I've never noticed this place before, even though it was right beside the bathroom. After all, I enjoy bathroom visits," commented Kankurou.

"Uh…never mind. In what way is this perfect?"

"It's perfect for the pilot episode of the _Everybody Loves Gaara _show!" cried Kankurou.

"The _Everybody Loves Gaara_ show?" asked Temari, completely bewildered.

"It's our get-back-at-Gaara plan!" explained Kankurou.

"I…don't want to know," said Temari, looking rather disturbed.

"Oh yeah, the audience are here." Kankurou gestured towards the doorway where three hundred thousand people had filed in.

"It's a full house!" said Kankurou happily.

"How can there be audience? You just found that this is a studio cum auditorium!"

"This is a studio cum auditorium?" asked Kankurou.

"…Okaaay…" said Temari, "let's just get with whatever random programme you have in store for us."

Temari and Kankurou got onto the stage and faced three hundred thousand expectant faces. Kankurou passed her a microphone.

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen, boys and grills to the pilot episode of the _Everybody Loves Gaara _show!" greeted Kankurou warmly. No one clapped and continued looking expectantly at them. All eyebrows were raised.

"Er Kankurou…you said 'grills', not 'girls'," Temari whispered in his ear, rather helpfully.

Kankurou looked rather scandalized. "Oh goodness, I made a mistake! I meant to say 'girls', not 'grills'!" Everyone burst into thunderous applause. All the grills in the room sadly trundled out.

"I'm Kankurou."

"And I'm Temari! We're going to be your hosts for today!"

The audience gave them a standing ovation, yes, with streamers and fireworks. It was as though they were winners of _So You Think You Can Dance?_

"Does your younger brother constantly boss you around with death threats?" Temari posed the question to the audience. Everyone gasped. The answer was unanimous, "YES!"

"Well _Everybody Loves Gaara _is a sitcom where we will NOT constantly ridicule our youngest brother because we good people find it in our hearts to respect his personal boundaries at all times," explained Kankurou.

The audience groaned in disappointment.

"However, we shall respect his boundaries by APPROPRIATE means," Kankurou wiggled his eyebrows. The audience suddenly understood what he meant through the intelligent reading of his body language.

So further thunderous applause ensued.

"But what's the show without its charming main character—_Gaara_!" Kankurou introduced brilliantly.

"Hey when did Gaara get a scheduled appearance, Kankurou?" demanded Temari, "that wasn't in the script!"

"We have a script?" asked Kankurou, amid the applause.

"_Yes_," said Temari tersely, brandishing the script in Kankurou's face.

Gaara was shoved roughly onto the stage. On seeing the cheering audience, his inner actor took over and he waved enthusiastically to the crowd. He bowed repeatedly as bouquets of flowers were thrown _ceremoniously _at him.

"Whoa Gaara," said Temari, surprised, "talk about getting into the programme."

"Let's give it up for _Gaara_!" yelled Kankurou in a hyperactive manner. The crowd practically exploded, yes, with the ferocity of full-scale nuclear bomb and also with the mushroom clouds and radiation and such.

"Gaara? Whose Gaara? I don't see any Gaara," said Gaara in a retarded manner.

"You're Gaara, Gaara," said Temari.

"I'm Gaara?"

"Yes, you're Gaara," said Temari.

"Wait—_I'm _Gaara?"

"Yes. You. Are. Gaara."

"Let me get this straight. I'm supposed to be Gaara?"

"YOU ARE GAARA!"

"I. Am. Gaara? Is that right?"

"YES!"

"Are you sure? I can't be Gaara!"

"Gaara, if you're trying to be funny, it's not working," said Temari in an extremely pissed off voice.

Then Gaara had an epiphany. "OOOH. You _think _I'm Gaara!" he said.

"Gaara…" growled Temari, "I don't care if you have the Shukaku inside you because I swear I am going to-"

But Gaara had pulled off his hair and wiped off his dark eye circles.

"NARUTO?" yelled Temari.

"Yes. That's me! Naruto Uzumaki! Believe it! I got pushed out here and well, my inner actor took over and here I am, a _star_!"

"What are you doing in Suna you idiot?" demanded Temari. Kankurou was being carried away in a wave formation by the audience who seemed to be EXTREMELY high on crack so he cannot speak at the moment.

"I joined the cosplay convention here and I decided to be Gaara," said Naruto happily.

"Hey I hear noise! What's going on in there?" the voice that said this was unmistakably _Baki's_. He was _outside _the studio cum auditorium.

"EARTHQUAKE DRILL!" shouted Naruto. Temari was like, _Whoa, good timing._

Everyone scrambled under the seats. Since there were three hundred thousand people and three hundred thousand seats, Kankurou, Temari and Naruto had nowhere to hide. So they used a Transformation Jutsu since, well, they're ninjas.

Temari became a potted plant and hid amongst the other potted plants; Kankurou became some filming equipment and hit amongst the other filming equipments; Naruto became a grill and just stood there looking out of place, because, well, all the other grills had left.

Baki peered in. Everything was still. "Good. I see no one has invaded my Zen palace where I hold all my secret dance and song recitals to an imaginary audience of three hundred thousand. Not to mention my recording sessions where I make use of all this awesomely advanced technology that came with the room, which I secretly built beside the bathroom without prior knowledge of the Kazekage."

He left, rather contented that no one had invaded his Zen palace because it was where he…well, you get the point.

Then the three ninjas transformed back into their original forms.

"Well, that's all for today folks," announced Naruto. The audience rejoiced because they wanted to get into the programme.

"Now a word from out sponsors," said Naruto in a deep, irresistible voice.

"We have sponsors?" asked Kankurou.

Temari and the audience slapped their foreheads, because that is what people who want to get into the programme do.

"RANDOM DANCE PARTY!" shouted Naruto and he proceeded to make use of the killer sound system and started playing the top twenty hit singles. He also did several pelvic thrusts and other rather disturbing dance moves.

Everyone left him to his _activities_ because that is also what people who wish to stick to the programme do.

**What did we say? Random or what? Actually we pretty enjoyed writing this project because it was so darn random. Stay tuned for more random-ness. Oh and please please please review because hey, everyone loves reviews. WE ARE NOT REVIEW-WHORING. Oh yes, if you have any relevant ideas for this fic, feel free to share it with us and we will dedicate a **_**shrine**_** to you. Yes a real life shrine.**


	3. Eating Habits of the Gaara

Chapter Three: The Gaara's Eating Habits

**A/N: We can basically summarise this entire chapter in one word. And that word is: **_**nonsensical**_**.**

Kankurou and Temari were discussing something on the sofa rather intensely. Gaara's Kankurou-and-Temari-are-plotting-against-me sense was firing up, like it always did.

"_What _are the two of you doing?" he demanded.

"Homework," they answered simply and proceeded with their heated discussion of sorts.

Gaara stared at them and lowered his voice into a deathly whisper that only Kankurou and Temari could hear. "_I am going to…kill you._"

The two of them who were frightened out of their wits jumped up to face Gaara, grinning sheepishly. "Er heh-heh," said Kankurou nervously, "but we really were doing homework!"

"_Silence_! Do not lie to me. You _have _no homework. You are ninjas! Not school-going children."

"Correction," said Temari, "we are school-going _teenagers_."

She flinched at the look Gaara had given her which suggested that he was going to finish her off in about two minutes which he would leave over for them to explain themselves and decide whether he would kill them with what little judgment he possessed.

"But we really _are _doing our homework!" whined Kankurou. He pointed to the papers on the sofa. Gaara was a little taken aback. He hadn't expected the presence of _papers_ of all things.

Gaara proceeded to inspect the papers. It seemed to be Temari's algebra homework.

"If this is Temari's homework, how come _you _are involved, Kankurou?" he asked.

"D-oh! _Everybody_ knows Kankurou's geniusness in the fields of mathematics!" exclaimed Temari.

"Huh?" Kankurou had been drooling as he daydreamed fervently about his puppets playing in a field of daffodils. He looked as though he exhibited no geniusness in any area, let alone mathematics.

"I've got my eye on you," threatened Gaara, a violent glint in his eye. Temari pretended not to care, but we all know she's scared shitless.

Gaara narrowed his eyes (he sure likes doing that right?) and walked off. Temari and Kankurou heaved sighs of relief.

"Hey it's almost breakfast time," observed Kankurou with much intellect.

"Yeah so?" said Temari who had started flipping through the _Fangirl! _magazine that had materialized on the coffee table.

"We all know that Gaara is never present for breakfast or any meals for that matter," said Kankurou, picking up _The Weekly Puppeteer _which had also materialized on the coffee table.

"I'm listening," said Temari as she read about the newest in fan designs.

"And since we're carrying out Le Plan, we might as well…you know…" Kankurou said mysteriously.

"WHAT?"

"I meant spy on Gaara! Nothing else!" said Kankurou hurriedly.

"No, I was talking about the fact that they're going to increase the price of _Fangirl! _magazine by twenty cents. There's no way I'm going to be able to afford it now!"

But didn't the magazine magically materialize? Never mind.

Kankurou slapped his forehead because we decided to make him the smart one in this particular scene.

"We should go spy on Gaara and see what he does for breakfast, lunch and dinner!"

"What about brunch?" asked Temari, who was reading fan fiction (Ok, we know you've had enough with the bad puns).

"Let's just go!" and in a flash Kankurou and Temari were speeding through the time and space continuum.

"How are you doing this Kankurou!"

"I'm riding on Karasu!" he said happily.

"What about me?" cried Temari.

"Kuroari of course, silly," giggled Kankurou.

There was a blinding flash of light and Kankurou and Temari found themselves in the village, completely unharmed.

They were both dressed in King Gee safari suits for some reason.

"Well Gaara's nowhere to be found," commented Temari.

"I say we stop at McDonald's for a quick pick-me-up," said Kankurou in an almost Chouji-ish way. He was even rubbing his tummy! Watch your weight Kankurou!

"No! We still need to bring the audience positive entertainment because this is the whole point of us being here in King Gee safari suits," said Temari, annoyed.

"But we can't bring positive entertainments on empty stomachs right Temari? I mean it's been ages since I've gotten a Happy Meal," said Kankurou in what he thought was a persuasive tone.

Temari did not want to argue with Kankurou and relented. But she did so _reluctantly._

The two siblings entered the fast food establishment.

"Hey look, Gaara's over there," said Kankurou and proceeded to the counter.

Temari smacked him on the head. "You idiot!" she hissed in an almost Gaara-ish way, "there's Gaara! We're going to film him remember?"

"Oh yeah," said Kankurou dully, then, "GET THE CAMERA!"

Everyone except for Gaara stared. Kankurou fumbled for the filming equipment which he had previously masqueraded as.

"Crikey!" he said suddenly to the camera.

"We're here in the feeding grounds of the shy and elusive Gaara to observe it's feeding habits," said Kankurou in an Australian accent.

"The Gaara is an extremely rare species that is grossly understudied to this date and we are very lucky, I repeat, _very_ lucky to be able to see one here in it's natural feeding grounds," said Temari in an American accent.

She lowered her voice, "The Gaara is an extremely endangered species and is hunted for its pelt. The remaining number of Gaaras in the world is currently unknown but is believed to be under fifty." She turned to Kankurou who was still marveling at the magnificence and beauty of the Gaara.

"Look at the vibrant red coloration of the fur," marveled Kankurou enthusiastically. Then he spoke darkly to the camera which was hovering miraculously by itself, "I don't see any reason why _anyone_ would want to harm such a beautiful creature." This was said in an Aussie accent.

Kankurou decided it was time to get closer to the Gaara. "Watch now as Kankurou gets closer to the Gaara. He has to do this slowly so he won't spook it. And if he does, he'd better run for it because the Gaara can definitely lash out," explained Temari.

Kankurou did a series of complicated maneuvers which involved the usage of James Bond-style equipment and did a somersault and crouched down at Gaara's feet. He glanced at the camera, his eyes wide with excitement.

"Look!" cried Kankurou dramatically. He picked up a French fry which had fallen onto the ground. "Droppings!" and he put it in his mouth. Temari stared even though it wasn't what Terri Irwin is supposed to do when Steve eats droppings. Wait—_does he_?

The camera decided not to capture the scenes where Kankurou was dramatically stuffing himself with a French fry and instead turned to Gaara who was eating his McGriddles without the eggs nonchantly. He wasn't drinking milk because Gaara is lactose intolerant. Thus, _all _Gaaras are lactose intolerant.

Then Kankurou decided that it was a good time for a bathroom visit because as much as Kankurou enjoys bathroom visits, he only does so in the most apt of times which was coincidentally, now.

Coincidentally, Gaara somehow managed to teleport to the bathroom without Temari noticing. He stood at the sink, washing his hands. Kankurou and the camera were also present. Kankurou was also washing his hands. Gaara glanced at Kankurou. Kankurou glanced at Gaara.

"Hn," said Gaara.

"Hey," greeted Kankurou, this time not in the Aussie accent.

He promptly reverted back to the Aussie accent as Gaara was rinsing his hands. He turned to the camera.

"We are now in the Gaara's natural habitat. Crikey! It has returned here to groom itself. From this, we know that Gaaras are extremely hygienic creatures," explained Kankurou animatedly.

"Ain't he a beauty?" marveled Kankurou. AGAIN.

Gaara left. The establishment. He left the establishment. Magical teleportation. He left the establishment via magical teleportation.

Kankurou went out to meet Temari. "Well?" she said expectantly, her arms folded.

"Er I think he left," said Kankurou sheepishly.

"Kankurou you !#%" Temari cursed.

Kankurou's jaw had dropped. Temari's vocabulary and choice word usage was simply…astounding. However, that was not why he was so shocked. Scandalized, more like it.

"Temari!" he scolded, "are you forgetting something?"

Temari's eyes widened with terror as she realized her folly.

"Oh no! I can't believe I forgot!"

"Temari! Honestly! I'm ashamed of you! How could you forget that this was a family show? You have just exposed thousands of innocent young children to the horrors of swear words!"

Temari's eyes filled up with tears. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" She ran off, crying hysterically.

"We'll be right back after these messages!" winked Kankurou, grabbing the camera and pressing it against his face.

--

_We see Rock Lee and Maito Gai standing beside each other. They are both smiling brilliantly. Then one of those weird children jingles start playing. Lee bends his knees and says "Lee." Then Gai bends his knees at the exact same time when Lee straightens his knees and says "Gai." They repeat this for four to five hours, clearly forming some kind of addictive rhythm as they go on. Then they stop and give the audience a thumbs up and give us all a winning grin with the 'bling!'_

--

"And we're back!" Kankurou exclaimed. He was in his cat suit again and speaking in a Kankurou-ish accent. Temari was beside him in her Temari suit and speaking in a Temari-ish accent. She hasn't spoken yet so you don't know. But we've just told you, so now you know.

"As you can see, we have just infringed Gaara's personal boundaries in an outlandish and random way. That's only part of it. Kankurou?"

"We still haven't infringed his privacy at lunch OR dinner!"

"Don't forget brunch," added Temari.

"The period for brunch was one and a half hours ago," said Kankurou as though it was the most obvious things in the world.

"Drats!" cursed Temari.

"Careful Temari, innocent younglings are watching," warned Kankurou.

They found Gaara at McDonald's during both lunch AND dinner and were quite shocked at his findings.

"How come he never gets fat?" demanded Temari, "I mean he doesn't go for liposuction, does he?"

"Gaara's good. I don't think I could handle all three meals at Mc's," said Kankurou, covering his mouth as he watched Gaara consume copious amounts of the evening value meal.

"I think we are done invading his personal boundaries today right Temari?" said Kankurou as 'droppings' started to litter the floor and people started staring.

"Which reminds me," said Temari suddenly, "what were we doing all those four to five hour intervals between Gaara's meals?" (There were commercials during aforementioned intervals, and those commercials were of the 'Lee-Gai' variety.)

"It's still a mystery…" said Kankurou in a mysterious fashion.

He grabbed Temari and they were blasting through the space time continuum once again.

**I think this chapter was…too random. It may be up for editing later. All reviews are greatly appreciated. If you have any ideas on how to improve the current chapter or any ideas for future chapters, feel free to commune them to us!**


	4. Gaara's Showering Habits Busted

Chapter 4: Gaara's Showering Habits Busted

**A/N: Female viewers: be forewarned. Gaara **_**might not **_**use shower curtains. But he **_**may **_**do a radical Ricky Martin impression.**

Kankurou looked at Temari. Temari looked at Kankurou. They were doing this because they were bored.

"I don't think people like _Everybody Loves Gaara_," said Temari sadly.

Kankurou gasped.

"That's not _true_! Why would you say that?"

"Because we've only got seven viewer reviews. How sad."

Kankurou burst into tears, "But…on our pilot episode, we had a full house! Three hundred thousand people! Where did they all go? They all seemed so faithful!"

Temari patted Kankurou, who had his face in his hands, on the back.

Then they paused in time and Kankurou and Temari jumped out, grinning. The looks on their faces were exactly the opposite of their paused counterparts.

"And that's what would happen if we didn't know that three hundred thousand people were watching _Everybody Loves Gaara_!" shouted Temari in an obnoxious manner to a floating camera.

"MOVING ON!" shouted Kankurou in a random manner.

The camera zoomed in on them sitting on the couch. Kankurou was reading _The Weekly Puppeteer _because, well, he's a puppeteer.

"Hey Kankurou," Temari hey-kankurou-ed.

"What Temari?" Kankurou what-temari-ed.

"Stop what-temari-ing me!" Temari exclaimed.

"Then you stop hey-kankurou-ing me!" Kankurou shouted back.

"MOVING ON!" cried Kankurou.

"So Kankurou, what do we do for today's episode?"

"Dunno. Bust Gaara in the shower or something."

Temari slapped Kankurou and gasped.

"How dare you! I'm a girl! I can't just randomly bust my brother in the shower! And what if the female viewers feel uncomfortable?"

"Hey calm down! I was just talking off the top of my head. And besides, we have shower curtains. _Opaque_ navy blue rubber shower curtains!"

"But I thought we were going to bust him?"

"_Yes_," said Kankurou pointedly, "but we're going to do it noisily so he knows and just pokes his head out and then we run."

"I really think you should be killed by Gaara," said Temari, pursing her lips and folding her arms.

"Oh yeah…well, I think you should be killed by Gaara too!" said Kankurou, pouting.

"Nice comeback," Temari said sarcastically.

"Yeah thanks I know," said Kankurou in a genuinely satisfied voice.

"Fine," Temari conceded defeat, "but only because I can't think of anything else!"

"Yay!" cheered Kankurou, "hey I think he's in the shower now!"

"But be forewarned: we do not know for sure if Gaara uses the curtains or not," said Kankurou mysteriously.

Kankurou went to check and came back down the stairs.

"The door's unlocked," he said simply. Then he dragged his sister all the way up the stairs. They stood before the bathroom door.

Suddenly, a faint sound met their ears. Temari pressed her ear gently to the door.

"She bangs! She bangs! Oh baby and she moves! She moves!" sang a voice. It sounded as though Ricky Martin was there. In their bathroom. In the shower.

"Hey Kankurou-"

"Stop hey-kankurou-ing me! It's making me crazy!" Kankurou tried to hit Temari, but she dodged cleverly and body slammed Kankurou.

"Woot!" cried Kankurou, "that was wrestle-tastic!"

"Listen to this," said Temari, forcing Kankurou's head to the door. He immediately started giggling madly.

"Oh man! Gaara sure is a good singer!"

Then Temari accidentally pushed Kankurou into the bathroom so he fell flat on his face. Or did she?

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Gaara thundered. Kankurou got up and turned to Temari. He gave her a thumbs up.

"He uses the curtains," he grinned. Temari slapped her forehead.

"I AM GOING TO KILL THE TWO OF YOU!" yelled Gaara.

"Hey Gaara, don't be so rash…" said Temari, holding her hands up in front of her, "it was all Kankurou's idea!"

And with that she ran away as fast as she could.

"Uh…" began Kankurou, "we were merely respecting your personal boundaries. Appropriately."

"APPROPRIATELY? IN WHAT WAY IS THIS APPROPRIATE?!"

"Uh…bye!" Kankurou squeaked and sped off after Temari.

They were lucky Gaara was in no position to find them. I mean he's naked in the shower and what person would be dumb enough to run _out _of the shower in their current state of affairs?

Kankurou and Temari were enjoying pina coladas in a beach side chalet…in Jamaica. Yes, they used the time and space continuum.

"Cheers," and their glasses clinked.

**That's it for chapter four. If you're reading this, then you'll know that Gaara **_**does**_** use shower curtains and Gaara **_**does **_**do a radical Ricky Martin impression! Yay! Remember to review, stay safe and stay in school!**


	5. How Disturbing

Chapter 5: How Disturbing

**A/N: Warning-you may be haunted by disturbing visuals after this chapter.**

Kankurou and Temari were stuck cleaning The Shed. This was because in the last chapter, they busted Gaara in the shower and ran to Jamaica. This was their punishment.

I'm sure you're expecting us to tell you the entire painful process of the The Shed (yes, the The Shed) cleaning, but we won't because it's too gory and not for young eyes.

This left our weekly subscribers of _Fangirl! _and _The Weekly Puppeteer _feeling feelings of anger, disrespect, defiance and other feelings that are mainly negative towards our gourd-carrying main character.

"You know what Kankurou?" said Temari, her hands on their hips. Kankurou was covered in dirt and dust and lay sprawled out on the ground, panting from the traumatic ordeal in The Shed (yes, it's The Shed again now).

Kankurou died there and then. But not really. MOVING ON!

"Yeah?" he panted.

"I say this is the perfect time for another episode," said Temari crossly. Then she smiled vindictively. "And I know exactly what we should do."

"Can we take a nap first Temari? I'm tired!"

"You're beginning to sound like that lazy jerk Shikamaru," Temari kicked him. Kankurou jumped up, clutching his buttocks, which had bore the brunt of the damage.

"Oh you mean your boyfriend?" asked Kankurou innocently.

Temari did some things to Kankurou that cannot be mentioned here.

MOVING ON!

We see Kankurou and Temari sipping tea in the house, both of them squeaky clean and perfectly unscathed.

"Have you ever wondered if Gaara has a social life?" queried Kankurou, picking his nose.

Temari did not reply, for she was busy being disturbed by Kankurou's current action.

"Well Temari?"

"Oh-oh. Uh yeah. I've always-picking your nose-wondered-picking your nose-about that-picking your nose," Temari's eyes were huge and extremely…frightened.

"Any particular reason why you inserted 'picking your nose' three times in your previous sentence?"

Temari slapped her forehead; so did the three hundred thousand people who were watching. "Uh, no not really."

"Ok then, then let's go find Gaara!"

Kankurou was about to grab Temari, when she edged away. "Wash your hands first," she squeaked. Kankurou looked bewildered at the terrified look on Temari's face.

"I don't know why you randomly asked me to wash my hands, but I'll just do it if it makes you feel better."

Aww…

So after some hand-washing, Kankurou grabbed Temari and they jumped into the time and space continuum.

Kankurou was picking nose AGAIN and Temari was hugging her knees and sucking her thumb in a corner.

Then Temari noticed they were outside a nightclub.

"Why are we outside a nightclub?"

But Kankurou had already pulled out a camera.

"Those hands had better be washed!" warned Temari.

"We're outside a random nightclub that we speculate Gaara might be hanging out in! Commence _Operation: Expose Gaara's Social Life Even Though It Is Only Remotely Possible That He Has One_!" announced Kankurou happily.

Temari was still skeptical. More like hysterical.

"GAARA?! AT A NIGHTCLUB? KANKUROU YOU-"

Kankurou was glaring at Temari. She grinned sheepishly then promptly reverted back to her furious state.

"KANKUROU YOU _DUMMY_!"

"Now that's better. Hey you never know. Gaara ate all his meals at McDonald's! What were the odds of that?" reasoned Kankurou.

"I see your point," said Temari, scratching her chin.

Fortunately, there was no bouncer. Kankurou kicked open the doors.

"The party's just startin'! The boys are back!" he yelled.

Nobody gave a dam-I mean everybody was blissfully unaware of Kankurou's previous statement which he had just shouted out.

"Ahem," Temari cleared her throat.

"The boys _and _girls!" Kankurou corrected himself because he did not want to face Temari's feministic wrath.

Then amid the flashing disco lights and the blaring music, they saw Gaara dancing madly. He was in exactly the same way as Naruto had in the end of chapter two. Yes, with the pelvic thrusts and all. Several hot babes surrounded him and dance along.

Temari and Kankurou's jaws dropped.

The siblings picked their respective jaws up from the ground and fixed them back to their faces properly.

"What did I tell you?" said Kankurou, folding his arms.

"I…I stand corrected," answered Temari, still looking extremely stunned.

Then a giant hand clamped Temari's head. Another one clamped Kankurou's head.

They found themselves being flung out of the nightclub.

"Hey! What's the big idea?" complained Kankurou, getting up and rubbing his head.

"I'm the bouncer around these parts," said the large and burly bouncer, looming over them.

"Then where were you earlier?" demanded Temari.

"In the _bathroom_. You got a problem with that tutz?" boomed the bouncer.

"Yay! I like bathrooms!" giggled Kankurou.

"You two are _underage_. This means that you will be denied entry to _my _club," explained the bouncer in a less than friendly way.

"But-but-but our _younger _brother is here!" said Temari, pointing frantically at Gaara who was dancing in a fashion so frenzied and intense we cannot fully describe it. All we can say is he was dancing passionately. REALLY passionately.

The bouncer stared for a few moments.

Kankurou and Temari folded their arms, looking satisfied and vindicated.

"Oh that guy's a regular," said the bouncer simply.

The smirks on Kankurou and Temari's faces slipped off like water down a mirror (ok, clichéd metaphor. Sorry folks).

"WHAT THE #$%!" Kankurou and Temari chorused.

Then they both slapped their hands to their mouths.

"Uh…please stand by," squeaked Temari. Just to let you know, Kankurou STILL hasn't washed his hands. The camera switched to stand-by mode and an advertisement ensued.

--

_We see Kakashi sitting on a stoo against a white backgroundl, looking expectantly at you. "Hello there. Have you ever dreamed of having perfectly smooth legs in time for your prom night? If your answer is yes, we have the solution to your problem."_

"_Let me show you," says Kakashi warmly. He pulls up his pant legs to reveal a pair of perfectly smooth legs that glistened in the light. "You too can have legs like these," and he proceeds to stroke his legs in an obscene manner._

"_Before I had these, I was once mocked as the Yeti of the party with _these _legs," Kakashi pulls down a screen behind him. A picture of Kakashi flashes onto the screen. It's actually a video. The video Kakashi pulls up his pant legs and the camera zooms in. His legs are covered in long, silver hairs which look extremely gross and should never be seen by children._

"_But my life changed when I found _EasyPeel!" _Kakashi exclaims dramatically. He pulls out a box of _ EasyPeel!

"EasyPeel! _is a premium waxing paper that allows for maximum hair removal. It also allows you to have maximum confidence in your legs and flaunt them at parties and other social events. It's _very _effective!" said Kakashi happily, "so buy it today!"_

_--_

Then two words surfaced onto the screen:

THE END

**Don't worry, we're not ending **_**Everybody Loves Gaara **_**just yet. Well, we're not even close to that. The **_**The End **_**merely refers to the end of the episode and is also conveniently indicating the end of this chapter! Thanks for reading!**


	6. The First Thanking

Chapter 6: The First Thanking

**A/N: This chapter was never meant to be funny so don't randomly flame us because this is a THANKING for God's sake.**

"Welcome," says Kankurou solemnly. He is seated on a stool, not different form Kakashi's. "This is the first thanking. Here, we will be thanking those reviewers who have contributed to the making of _Everybody Loves Gaara_."

"We are gathered here to offer our deepest gratitude to the one christened Lightning Blade," Kankurou wipes a tear from his eye, "forgive me, this is an extremely emotional moment for me."

"Lightning Blade has been a faithful reader and reviewer for these five chapters and is one of the reasons why we forge ahead against all odds. Her unwavering support is immensely inspirational to us. Not only that, she has also offered us extremely constructive suggestions that we have put to use!"

Kankurou falls over, sobbing uncontrollably, so much so that one of the backstage crew had to prop him upright and comfort him for a few moments. Kankurou blows his nose and in a shaky voice, proceeds, "That Lightning Blade kid is a good chap and we all love her. Thanks. We'll never forget ya."

Kankurou bursts into more noisy tears and the backstage crew hurriedly surround him. He pushes them away and sobs, "Now to Temari."

Temari is seated primly on a sofa. "Hello there. This is the second segment of the first thanking. Here, we will be thanking another faithful fan who has followed us throughout the five chapters. And that person is Kawaii-no-Kitsune."

"She has been giving us her support throughout these tumultuous five chapters and has been very frank with us. For that, we are grateful. As much as we wish for _Everybody Loves Gaara _to be a success and perfect in every way, we have to acknowledge the fact that we cannot be perfect. Kawaii-no-Kitsune has of course voiced out her honest opinion on every chapter and has given us a chance to improve ourselves."

Temari sips form the teacup on the table, "For that, we are grateful to her. Thank you Kawaii-no-Kitsune. You are also quite important in _Everybody Loves Gaara _as a valued viewer."

Then Kankurou comes over, looking happier than in the first segment (his make-up is a little smeared though, but he is touchy about these things so don't tell him). "With that, we conclude the first thanking. Thank you, all valued readers/viewers or whatever and everyone who has helped in the making of _Everybody Loves Gaara_."

"We love all of you," says Kankurou, getting teary-eyed again.

"What's going on down there?" demands Gaara from upstairs.

Kankurou gives the crew the time-out signal and everyone scurries out of the windows and any possible openings. Temari hurriedly grabs _Fangirl! _and Kankurou, _The Weekly Puppeteer_. They sit on the sofa, reading fervently.

Gaara comes down and narrows his eyes. AGAIN! "You'd better not be doing anything funny," he says in his doomsday voice. Kankurou and Temari perspire more, praying silently. _Not The Shed, not The Shed…PLEASE!_

And this truly concludes the first thanking. Thank you.

**Thanks for reading kiddos. We love you all. But we love Lightning Blade and Kawaii-no-Kitsune a little more. Nah, just joking. Haha.**


	7. Gaara's Internet Life

Chapter 7: Gaara's Internet Life

**A/N: I bet you didn't know Gaara had an **_**internet **_**social life. But we good people are here to enlighten you about that little-known and somewhat obscure fact, because Gaara does. We're not kidding. Seriously.**

"Let's be extra random today," said Kankurou, stretching out on the sofa like a cat. He certainly looks like one. I mean his puppeteer suit seriously looks like a…cat suit. Hence, he looks like a cat.

"What, look like a cat?" yawned Temari.

"It's a puppeteer suit and I wear it _everyday_, hence, it's not that random."

"I wasn't referring to you," said Temari, genuinely bewildered. Kankurou rolled his eyes.

"_Riiiiight_," sighed Kankurou, obviously unconvinced.

"What you don't believe me? You'd better…or _els_e," Temari threatened. Kankurou yawned. So Temari did MORE things to him that should never be mentioned.

Then happily, she asked, "You were saying?"

Kankurou was in a…um…state but we will speculate how the conversation will go on and improvise appropriately. I mean because Kankurou was currently in a…um…state, he can't talk.

"We should find out if Gaara has a secret internet romance!" giggled Kankurou. Then looking at Temari's stunned face, he added, I mean _would have_ added if he hadn't been in that…um…state, "Or at least see if he has an online dating account!"

Temari speculatively said, "I…don't feel like arguing with you on this one seeing that this is only a figurative conversation and you are in that…um…state."

"So it's settled!" Kankurou cheered.

However, we don't want the rest of the chapter to be carried out in a speculative, improvised or figurative manner (WE WANT REAL FACTS!) so we shall kindly wait until Kankurou has recovered. Meanwhile we shall have an intelligent conversation with you. Yay.

I know what you're thinking. You want another advertisement. But not now. Kankurou's recovery period is indefinite and advertisements are definite. So we can't have an advertisement. So there. Yeah. Ok. Totally. Oh hey look Kankurou's recovered. We shall continue in present tense.

Kankurou is completely revived and bears no grudges against Temari because it would be troublesome to write about his newfound grudge…but not only that, Kankurou and Temari are _family_ and family stick together in good times and bad times and…MOVING ON!

Kamkurou pulls out the camera and speaks to it. "Today, we are going to investigate Gaara's internet life. It's only remotely possible that he has one but because of our recent streak of good luck, he'll probably have one!"

Temari nods in agreement and she follows Kankurou up the stairs into Gaara's room.

"I can't believe this: his door is unlocked and he's not at home!" exclaims Temari. Then before they go in, Temari blocks Kankurou.

"Wait—there may be a trap which will lead to our untimely demise!" she cries.

"Geez Temari, _relax_," says Kankurou, brushing past his sister. He just strolls right in and nothing happens at all. Temari's jaws drop.

"I don't believe it. How can Gaara's paranoia levels be this low?" Temari demands, rather hysterically.

"Stop thinking too much, it'll take out the fun of life!" giggles Kankurou. He seems to be doing a lot of giggling of late eh?

The two of them invades Gaara's privacy in an absolutely blatant way and make a mad dash for his computer. It uses the latest state-of-the-art technology and some other geeky things that we don't know. MOVING ON!

Kankurou is marveling at the design, doing some weird gestures and spouting geek talk that Temari and other non-geeks wouldn't understand.

"Kankurou," Temari says gently, gently pulling Kankurou away from the computer. She sets him on the bed.

"Deep breaths," she says gently, "deep breaths." Kankurou takes deep breaths and now we return to the current state of affairs. Temari presses the 'on' switch for the monitor.

"Hey he didn't turn it off! And it is conveniently logged on to an internet dating website, so much so it seems suspiciously like the camera crew of _Everybody Loves Gaara _logged on for him!" says Temari. What a mouthful.

Temari looks at Kankurou. Kankurou looks at Temari.

"Nah," they agree. I mean being conveniently logged in to the website and the door not being locked and the fact that there are no traps or guarding mechanisms is just a sign that Kankurou and Temari are loved by God!

Temari clicks to view Gaara's profile.

"Um, he put his name as Garetta Kankari and he put his gender as…" Temari's eyes twitch and she stares at Kankurou.

"Female," she utters.

Kankurou is picking his nose.

"Why-picking your nose-would he-picking your nose-do that-picking your nose?" demands Temari in a way that did not show that she was highly disturbed by someone picking his or her nose.

"He's troubled," says Kankurou dully, STILL picking his nose.

Temari sees that Gaara had put his display picture as a hot red-headed babe and his age as twenty-five. His description is:

_I'm a lonely twenty-five year old looking for a man who can give me a nice stable relationship. I have been suffering from depression since I was fifteen and my doctor says it is attributed to my great loneliness. As such I have decided to find love here. If you think you like me, please please PLEASE leave a comment on my profile so we that we may have a blind date together. Please help me, I'm so lonely!_

Temari looks like she is going to faint.

"Um," she says in a small voice, "I didn't know Gaara was…um…"

"Oh hey look," says Kankurou, pointing excitedly to the comment page, "someone actually asked him out. It's someone called The Frog Hermit Whose Name Starts With The Letter 'J' And Is Extremely Respectful Of Women In Every Way! Let's read his comment!"

Temari, feeling pretty green around the gills nods.

_Dear Garetta_, The Frog Hermit Whose Name Starts With The Letter 'J' And Is Extremely Respectful Of Women In Every Way's comment read, _I read about your predicament and I would be delighted to help a lovely young woman like yourself in any way possible. Thus, I would like to take you on a blind date in the venue of your choice. I am sure we will get along splendidly 33 The Frog Hermit Whose Name Starts With The Letter 'J' And Is Extremely Respectful Of Women In Every Way._

"Aww," says Kankurou, fluttering his eyelashes, "that's sooooooo cute!"

Temari has to rush to the bathroom because she is well um…you know.

"Hey hey Temari! Look, Gaara, I mean _Garetta_,replied!" cries Kankurou enthusiastically.

Temari's hand is at her mouth and she swaggers in. "Uh-oh," then she has to run out again. Kankurou decides to do this part of the show by himself because Temari is obviously in no condition to do so.

Garetta's reply went:

_Dear The Frog Hermit Whose Name Starts With The Letter 'J' And Is Extremely Respectful Of Women In Every Way, I am extremely charmed by your manly and charismatic reply and I would love to go on a date with you. Meet me at the littlest and quaintest café in Suna at eight p.m. and our date with destiny shall commence. I simply cannot wait. Hee hee…333 Garetta_

"Wow, he seriously _is _troubled," comments Kankurou.

He stares at the screen for a while. Then he grabs Temari from the bathroom and they blast themselves through the time and space continuum.

Kankurou is slurping up a packet of prune juice noisily. Extremely irritated, Temari snaps, "Would you cut that out?"

But before Kankurou can respond, they find themselves outside the littlest and quaintest café in Suna at eight p.m. because that is what Gaara, I mean Garetta has specified in his, I mean her reply to The Frog Hermit Whose Name Starts With The Letter 'J' And Is Extremely Respectful Of Women In Every Way.

There are some seats outside the littlest and quaintest café in Suna. Yes with the cute umbrella shelters over the tables and the adorable pouffes and whatnot.

And Gaara is sitting at one of the tables. Yes, just sitting there, with his gourd and all, just looking really emo-ish like he always does.

"Omigosh," squeaks Temari, starting to hyperventilate as they see Jiraiya walking down the street towards the littlest and quaintest café, humming a merry tune.

"Like I said, he's troubled," observes Kankurou.

Temari has collapsed on the ground for her heart has stopped. Kankurou looks at Gaara, then at Jiraiya, then at Temari, then at the camera.

"_Weird_," he says.

Then he simply grabs Temari and they blast the shockwave outta there.

**My brother and I were like: this chapter is even more disturbing than chapter five because omigosh, it really is disturbing. And Temari here is practically a representation or rather a manifestation of our mixed feelings throughout the chapter. But sometimes my brother became like Kankurou.**


	8. The Newsroom

Chapter 8: The Newsroom

**A/N: Sorry for the hiatus folks. Heh. Just kinda busy. Please follow the instructions found within this chapter. We beg you. Please please please please. But before that, please refer to chapter three and chapter five to view the advertisements which are a chunk of words in italics. Thanks.**

Kankurou was seated in front of a desk and said in a composed, male voice which was not Kankurou-ish at all, "We bring you a special episode of _Everybody Loves Gaara _today. However, it has nothing to do with Gaara at all."

Kankurou arranged the stacks of papers on his desk in a sophisticated manner. He was wearing a business suit! OMG.

"Today, is polling day. We all know of Barack Obama's historic win over the Republican candidate, John McCain. However, that is completely irrelevant with the current situation on the grounds that that election has already been won and this one hasn't and not because it does not involve Mr Obama and Mr McCain, even though it doesn't," Kankurou smiled at the camera, _composedly_.

He took two minutes to arrange his papers again. "Now to Karasu," he said coolly.

Kankurou smiled at the camera because you have to do that while the camera is transitioning or it won't look good.

However, the camera didn't make the transition because Karasu wasn't there at his desk and the camera is smart enough to do that.

Kankurou did not get up and just sat there. Then he got bored and started to pick his nose. But little did he know that the camera was still filming his actions, because it is obviously not smart enough to switch itself off to conserve energy.

Then he pulls out two dolls: a man doll and a woman doll.

"Oh Junko," he made the man say in a patronizing and high-pitched voice in the likeness of one of those actresses in romance flicks (YES THE MAN, NOT THE WOMAN), "I don't want to ever leave you!"

Then he made the woman doll named Junko hug the man doll and say in a deep voice (YES THE WOMAN, NOT THE MAN), "Never, my love!"

He proceeded to make the dolls smooch like there was no tomorrow. Then he threw them aside after twenty minutes and took out Kankurou and Shino dolls! Or rather, action figures.

"Take that Shino!" cried Kankurou, using his dolly counterpart to continuously bash Shino the doll over the head. This doll violence ensues for several hours.

After Kankurou was satisfied with the mangled state the Shino doll was in, he flung both dolls backwards, quite forgetting that they were…voodoo dolls!

As such, Kankurou was also flung backwards! "Whooooa!" he cried.

Meanwhile, a badly beaten Shino was sitting in his sitting room, sipping some coffee when he was also flung backwards into the dining table. He got up, rubbing his throbbing head. "I can bet that Kankurou was playing with voodoo representations of him and myself and then bashed my voodoo doll counterpart with his voodoo doll counterpart because of our intense rivalry or should I say dislike because of a grudge that was mainly caused by me because of reasons you should know if you watch the _Naruto_ anime or read the _Naruto_ manga and also reasons that I do not wish to take upon myself to explain, hence causing grievous injury to myself and he later irresponsibly threw the dolls backwards, hence causing both parties to be flung backwards and thus I am in my current state," said Shino.

Kankurou who had been in a crumpled heap, got up from the floor, rather dazed and said, "Forget Karasu. Now to Temari."

Now, because we all know Temari is a girl and all girls are punctual, obedient and well-behaved, Temari was impeccably at her desk.

"Thank you Kankurou," she said in a voice that did not suggest she was angry at Kankurou for delaying her segment for several hours.

"Yes, the polls this time are for the advertisements that have been shown during _Everybody Loves Gaara_. Or rather, the advertisers. Kakashi Hatake and Might Guy have decided that they want a popularity poll of sorts to see who was more successful in their respective advertisements. They plan on using this as their monthly competition. Let's see what they have to say for themselves," Temari said briskly and she turned to the small flat-screen TV behind her.

The television turned on (by magic? GASP!) and we see Guy and Lee's exuberant smiles, with the bling. They give us a thumbs up. "Vote for Guy-sensei!" cheered Lee happily, "I mean how can you not love our, I mean HIS ad? It was the best!"

Then Guy starts tearing, "Oh Lee! You are the best student a teacher can have!" The two green-clad ninjas hug and start crying like there's no tomorrow. Then Guy looks at the camera and says, "Vote for me! I won't disappoint!"

Teacher and student burst into a fresh wave of tears and the screen fades into darkness.

"Ok, and that was Might Guy with why you should vote for him! Now to the manly and mysterious Kakashi!" announced Temari in a voice that suggested she was crushing on Kakashi because Kakashi is manly, mysterious AND hot!

Kakashi appears on-screen. "Uh vote for me. Because if you look underneath the underneath, I'm the uh one for you. So yeah," he says. Then he stares at the screen, stoned. He fades away.

"Omigosh wasn't that totally cute—I mean thank you Kakashi Hatake," said Temari. She cleared her throat and proceeded to arrange the papers on HER table.

"This is an announcement for all viewers of _Everybody Loves Gaara_ and we would like to ask of you to put your vote in for whoever you think should win the title of 'Best Advertiser' as a review in this format: **I vote for—Might Guy/ Kakashi Hatake**, followed by your review if you like. We will announce the results after the duration of five chapters from here forth. Thank you." Temari said.

"Now back to Kankurou."

The camera transitioned back to Kankurou who was sitting composedly at his desk once again, not showing signs that he had been picking his nose, playing with dolls or had been flung across the room.

"As we would like to keep up with the current theme of a newsroom, we will report on events happening in Konoha as Suna is just a barren, sandy place and nothing exciting ever happens while Konoha is a vibrant, carefree place where the Leaf Genins run and play and train alongside each other in harmony and solitude and the most scandalous or exciting things usually happen there because Naruto who is the main character of _Naruto _lives there and the producers want to make Naruto's habitat as exciting and as candid as possible," said Kankurou.

He arranged his stack of papers YET AGAIN. What is with newsreaders an arranging stacks of papers?!

"The first newsworthy…uh news is about a certain white-haired Sannin who got so traumatized by a blind date with…uh someone, that he is currently in intensive care in Konoha Hospital, further details will be covered by a replication of Karasu in case someone decides to go on a rampage. But before we do that, we would like to do a speculation/simulation of a Hokage death match between Naruto Uzumaki and Kiba Inuzuka in the event that both parties would like to be the Sixth Hokage," said Kankurou, "now to the verbal speculation/simulation."

"Naruto and Kiba face each other, a look of crazed defiance and smouldering hate on each face. Both are determined to become Hokage. However, much to Kiba's misfortune, Naruto had had a breakfast of baked beans and even had extra helpings. As such…you know what'll happen. So we announce Naruto Uzumaki to be the Sixth Hokage. If you want to know why we chose Kiba Inuzuka to be the candidate, it's because in the Chuunin preliminaries, we faintly recall Kiba saying something about wanting to be the Hokage, so there," explained Kankurou.

"Next, we shall be discussing the nicknames or rather, titles of the different Hokages, even the dead ones, or should we say, _existentially-challenged_? Let us speculate appropriately. Our valid speculations are: The First Hokage was known as _The_ _Father of Konoha _because well, he built Konoha. The Second Hokage was known as _The_ _Father of Konoha Two _because he also contributed in the building of Konoha. The Third Hokage was known as _The Professor _because of his renowned knowledge of all existing jutsus and the like. The Fourth Hokage was known as _The One Who Saved Konoha From The Wrath Of The Nine-Tailed Demon Fox By Sealing The Demon In A Baby Named Naruto Who Is Not A Baby Now _because well, he saved Konoha from the wrath of the nine-tailed demon fox by sealing the demon in a baby named Naruto who is not a baby now. The Fifth Hokage is known as _The Pioneer Of Medical Ninjutsu And Was Also A Sannin _because Lady Tsunade _is _the non-existentially challenged pioneer of medical ninjutsu and was also a Sannin. The Sixth Hokage to-be, Naruto Uzumaki is known as _Gassy Dude_ because of self-explanatory reasons which involve the extra-ordinary abilities of his lower digestive system that this reporter does not want to say. This reporter also does not want to delve into the matters of the Seventh Hokage and later because of unforeseen circumstances such as bathroom visits which is merely a notwithstanding circumstance. Thank you. More news, later."

**We seriously hope you have enjoyed this rather uh lengthy chapter. By the way, Junko is a character from **_**Flirting Violence**_**. If you watch episode 101 and you listen closely to what Kakashi is saying while he is out loud from his book, you'll know one character is called Junko. So I guess you know what this says about Kankurou. Heh heh. And yes, Kankurou and Shino STILL have deep-seated grudges against each other so the stuff about them in this chapter would be self-explanatory. Thanks, once again for reading.**


	9. Private Times

Chapter 9: Private Times

**A/N: This whole chapter will be in the perspective of a hovering camera. Not **_**a **_**hovering camera, **_**the **_**hovering camera. The one that Kankurou always whips out. We will be investigating the private times of everyone. Yes we will be in blatant violation of their privacy but whatever. So enjoy!**

Gaara—3.26pm:

We see Gaara seated on the sofa. This is the time when Kankurou and Temari are out and Gaara gets the house all to himself. And as such, he can privately do whatever private things he needs to privately do without the intrusions of his obnoxious older siblings. And who said younger siblings were the annoying ones?

Gaara is extremely still, and violently cross-eyed as he goes about his private business.

The camera blasts itself through the time and space continuum normally reserved for Kankurou and Temari (clever camera!) and we find ourselves in a large green field. We look yonder ways and we see heather and soft grass billowing because of the wind.

Little bunny rabbits prance and play. Puppies and kitties frolic around the big oak tree, both species mutual friends instead of eternal rivals. The clouds are fluffy and shapely (as in they are of different shapes, s'all), perfect for Shikamaru. But it is not Shikamaru who is watching their gentle voyages, but Gaara.

Gaara is giggling happily, cuddling a bunny. He has eyebrows! For the first time in his life, Gaara is happy. Because he has eyebrows! Let's all be happy for Gaara because this is the only time he can be happy. In his daydreams! Note that Gaara cannot have night dreams, well because he can't sleep!

The camera blasts out of Gaara's daydream via the time and space…thing and we see Kankurou and Temari standing before him. Both siblings have puzzled expressions on their faces. Kankurou rubs his hands evilly, amid Temari's queries of whether he has washed them.

Temari waves her hand violently in front of Gaara. The boy merely stares, cross-eyed, into space. Kankurou takes this awesome opportunity of Gaara's 'ignorance' and does some…uh…things to Gaara. Kankurou will imminently regret this, but whatever!

Neji—6.53pm

The camera, with its supercamera abilities squeezes through the tiny crack in the door of Neji's room. We see Neji seated contentedly before a vanity table. His back is turned to us and he is in his bathrobes (ew). The young Hyuuga seems to be humming a merry tune.

The camera floats closer towards Neji and we see Neji's table is lined with an assortment of hair care products and quality hair bands. Neji applies some dubious-looking on his hand (just kidding, Neji only buys BRAND-NAME lotions). Just to let you know, it isn't moisturizer. He rubs his hands together and begins to slather it on his luscious dark locks.

He does in such a loving way, we all shed tears while watching his passionate actions. Oh Neji! I didn't know you were such a sensitive, feeling, wonderful…never mind.

Neji proceeds to apply more lotions on his raven dark hair in a similarly loving way and we all shed tears all over again. Then Neji opens a drawer. What could the treasure within be? Oh my gosh…it's-it's-its'—

A hairbrush! Oh my god! A hairbrush. The handle is gold and silver plated and the teeth or whatever are made of the most flexible and durable wood of their day. Mahogany I think. We're no wood expert but oh well, that's what we get for not sticking to facts and being random all the time. MOVING ON!

Neji picks up his dearly beloved hairbrush and strokes his hair once with it. The brush runs through his unblemished and silky hair easily, as if it was a well-oiled machine (LAME METAPHOR). Neji brushes his hair, each beautiful stroke so enchanting and enthralling.

Omigosh, I feel tears coming on…the camera's crying too…omigod…Neji…

Baki—9.31pm:

The camera floats towards the bathroom in Temari, Kankurou, Gaara and Baki's house. Yes, they all live together. How could they let a group of unsupervised minors live together? Nope, Suna most certainly doesn't have such an _irresponsible _policy of letting unsupervised minors live together.

Anyway, it's not because the camera's bladder is giving way or whatever, the reason why it floated to the bathroom is because of…BAKI'S PRIVATE STUDIO CUM AUDITORIUM!

The camera squeezes in with its you-know-what. We see Baki on the stage, on a chair, a mountain of boxes behind him. There is a large banner spread across the top of the stage. The camera reads it. Well, so you good people can read it.

BAKI'S WAXING DAY CONCERT

The camera zoomed in to behind Baki's chair. We see um…mountainous piles of EasyPeel! boxes. O-M-G. Baki pulls out one sheet of EasyPeel!. He pulls up his trousers and we hear an extremely hysterical shriek. From nowhere. Yeah. Baki's leg is covered in black hairs, grown into ringlets.

Then he breaks into a ballad of emotion and love and other corny stuff that we wouldn't like to mention on the account that Baki's leg hairs grow into ringlets and we are extremely disgusted by this. Baki starts singing opera song after opera song after opera song (yes, that's three 'opera songs' but of course Baki sings more opera songs than that) even though the camera is petrified and is glued to his uh legs.

Then Baki finishes up his current mournful ballad and yanks the sheet of EasyPeel! off. We expect a scream…but no…Baki stares at the sheet of EasyPeel! looking positively unused. "What the? EasyPeel! doesn't work?!" Baki's eyes start tearing as he pouts.

It seems that Kakashi has ripped us off! But don't start voting for Guy just yet! Guy and Lee advertised, but it's not clear what they advertised for, so let's just take it that Kakashi's advertisement was just as pointless as Guy's! Yay!

So Baki hangs his head and pulls down his trouser legs to cover his um, you know. "Thank you, thank you, my dears for attending this Waxing Day Concert. I am indeed touched…what a shame…if only it had been a success…" Baki's voice trailed away sadly and dejectedly.

Then he looked up. "What's that you say?" Baki suddenly looked alert, "you loved me and you wanted to tell me it was the best-insert swear word here-concert you have ever been to?" Baki clasped his hand to his mouth and tears of joy stream down his cheeks. "Oh my gosh! I love you all to death, thank you!" a bouquet of flowers are flung out of nowhere and Baki catches it.

"Oh my! This is too…much…" Baki bursts into tears retires backstage. Our camera is now fully mobile and it follows him backstage. Baki is seated before a vanity mirror, not different from Neji's. But Baki's is just a little messier.

There are several bottles of the same type of creme on the table. The camera _surreptitiously _moves to read the labels on one of the bottles: _Bio-Essence Essential Whitening Lotion_

Baki removes his hat thing. We all know what his hat thing looks like right? There's a veil that only covers half his face. If you can't imagine anyone wearing something as stu—I mean _unique_ as that, then Google it! He looks into the mirror humming contentedly. Everyone notices an extreme contrast in skin tones.

The half he shows people is a rich chocolate brown while the half he doesn't show is an unhealthy pasty white, sort of like Gaara's. But don't tell him. Baki starts rubbing copious amounts of the lotion on the brown half of his face because boy, does it need whitening. We can safely say that Baki is flawed in many ways.

Physically only of course! Baki is a beautiful person that everybody loves and we must see past all physical flaws to truly appreciate him for who he is. While he uh _applies lotion_, let's just move on to the next guy's private time.

Shino—10.17pm:

The camera is in Shino's room. We do not need to explain how it got there. There are only two ways mentioned here so it's only one of the two ways. We'll leave the rest to your vivid imaginations that we love so dearly.

The camera floats to the light switch and switches the lights on. I mean, that would be the obvious thing to do. I mean if there's no light, how will we see what Shino's doing?

Shino is sleeping.

Kankurou—4.26am:

We are gathered here in the wee hours of the morning to see Kankurou's private time. The camera is hovering outside the door, peering through a crack. Temari and Gaara are also doing so, except that Temari is the one doing the peering. Gaara is in his gourd-print PJs, carrying his gourd. He can't sleep, but he just likes to delude himself into thinking he has been rudely awakened by his annoying brother and sister from his pleasant slumber and hence has to walk around in his PJs because he can't sleep and that it's all Kankurou and Temari's fault even though it isn't at all.

Well it is the first time Temari and Gaara are seen together in dubious cahoots. We speculate that Gaara, after being ridiculed by Kankurou about twelve hours and fifty nine minutes ago decided to get the poop on him by showing Temari his brother's private time. But Gaara wouldn't say 'poop' even if you paid him five hundred million dollars the conversation below could not have transpired. It is simply not possible.

"_Hey Temari," Gaara hey-temari-ed._

"_It's 'Hey Kankurou'," said Temari tersely, annoyed that her younger brother had gotten THAT phrase wrong, of all things._

"_Are you Kankurou?" Gaara asked, raising an eyebrow—if he had eyebrows! Well he does in his daydreams but whatever._

"_I say we get the poop on Kankurou by—"_

"_Wait-"interrupts Temari, "we _POOP _on Kankurou?"_

_Gaara bursts out laughing, "Oh Temari, you are _SO FUNNY!_"_

Please refer to the sentence right before the italics if you have any comments. Thank you. And this is from Spongebob in the episode when Spongebob is hallucinating about robots attacking so all credit goes to the creator of Spongebob and whoever wrote that line so yeah, we don't take ANY credit. But just for fun, this is what REALLY happened:

_Gaara is standing there, smoke and sand billowing out of his ears, well because he's fuming. Anyway, Temari sees this and feels a random surge of concern for her littlest brother._

"_Are you ok, kiddo?" she asks, quite bluntly._

"_No. Meet me at Kankurou's room at 4.26am. I have something to show you. Now because you were in dubious cahoots with Kankurou, you have to clean The Shed until 4.20am so you have exactly six minutes to bathe," said Gaara in a voice that did not suggest that he was being oddly specific._

_Temari is like, "_NOT THE SHED!"

Kankurou is seated stiffly on his bed. He appears to be quivering and vibrating in excitement. Karasu and Kuroari are placed strategically around the room. There seems to be a fine wood table that appears to be made of the same material as the teeth of Neji's comb.

There are three cushions arranged strategically around the table.

OMG 4.27AM!

Kankurou gets up and whoops. Then he does some sort of pirouette. "WHEEEEEEEE!" everything in the room turns pink and frilly in a shower of flowers, sparkles and pink glitter. Karasu and Kuroari magically came to life and pulled on matching pink princess dresses and matching silver tiaras. Just to let you know, they were NOT being controlled by Kankurou's chakra strings.

Kankurou pulled on a lavender evening gown over his puppeteer suit or as we like to put it, cat suit. Don't forget his _golden _tiara. Karasu and Kuroari are already seated, with decorum on their cushions so Kankurou sits on the remaining one.

"My," he says in a voice that did not suggest that he was gay, "Mrs Karasu and Mrs Kuroari! You have set up the tea party in a most _decorous _way! I truly _adore _it!" The table was covered with a pink silk tablecloth and there was a silver platter of cookies, a teapot with a fluffy pink tea cosy and three pink-patterned teacups. It was positively precious.

"More tea, Mrs Karasu? Oh Mrs Kuroari! You simply _must _try some of these biscottis! They are simply _divine_!"

Temari was sniggering and rolling on the floor so she was literally ROFL. Well people always tell you that but they never really do it, and I don't like that because I think if you say something, you should do it! Gaara was using chakra to keep his face straight because Gaara doesn't do ROFL.

We have a strange feeling that this event will end up on _The Planet's Funniest Animals _for some strange, strange reason. Well, we said it was strange!

Sasuke—6.41am

The camera, weary from his previous uh _ventures _decides to invade one last person's privacy. It didn't invade Shikamaru's privacy because he would be too lazy to do something weird like apply whitening lotion, or have random princess tea parties or have a waxing day concert. He would be like Shino, most likely, but nobody likes repeats.

But then again, the camera had been put into a traumatic state of affairs because well, he had been greatly traumatized by everyone's freakiness, maybe except Shino. But Shino was still freaky because he didn't even stir when he turned on the lights. So it might have been a good idea to invade Shikamaru's privacy. But still, whatever.

Sasuke is huddled in a corner of his room, sucking his thumb and whimpering. The camera is shocked because Sasuke is usually not like this. The camera watches his pathetic-ness and shakes itself the way someone would shake their head disapprovingly.

The camera decides that Sasuke just has some insecurity issues and leaves for Suna so that he can sleep in his little camera bed.

**If you're wondering why there are no girls here, it's because girls have a special privacy policy that others cannot violate. So there. But girl private times aren't as interesting as boy private times because boys are prone to shows of freakiness and nonsense. This is not meant as a sexist comment. Haha. Thanks for reading.**


	10. Family Night

Chapter 10: Family Night

**A/N: We do not own Animal Planet, **_**The Planet's Funniest Animals **_**or **_**America's Funniest Home Videos**_**. That's our disclaimer. Thank you. Oh yes, remember to vote. Please please please. If you're going to favourite or story alert us, you might us well review. If you're going to review, you might as well vote. We let the people decide!**

It's family DVD night!

The camera, rested but still not mentally secure is floating near them, capturing their movements.

Baki, Temari, Kankurou and Gaara are all at home. Baki, Temari and Kankurou are positively excited and psyched about this arrangement, whereas Gaara is well, just being Gaara. How boring. But we love him anyway right folks?

Baki switches on the television and sets up the DVD player and what-not.

"Ok, put it there Kankurou," he says excitedly. Kankurou breaks into a wide grin and shakes Baki's hand. Temari slaps her forehead. Gaara just sits there, stoned as usual. We wouldn't be surprised if he was experiencing his private time again. But then again, he would have to be cross-eyed to do that. Hmm...

Baki slaps Kankurou on the back so that the latter falls face down, motionless. "Atta boy! That's the spirit Kankurou! But seriously, where's the DVD I asked you to get?"

Kankurou is still motionless. "Fine," Baki sniffs, folding his arms, "ignore me."

Then Temari is like, "Uh, Kankurou can't talk right now. Let me tell you on his behalf that he forget to rent it, seeing that we were busy preparing for _Everybody Loves_—"

She stopped and swallowed at the look Gaara gave her. She glanced at Kankurou who was still motionless, not to mention face-down.

"_Everybody Loves…Puppies_? Uh heh heh…" said Temari uneasily. Gaara narrowed his eyes and returned to staring at the blue screen the television was showing.

"Now what do we do?" asked Baki, throwing up his arms in defeat. Then Kankurou jumped to his feet, perfectly unscathed.

"I say we have dinner! I'm cooking!" he exclaimed, all gung-ho. Ish.

Gaara stares at him. "You mean we were to have DVD night before dinner?" Gaara would normally have his meals at McDonald's but it's family night so…

"Yeah," said Baki, Temari and Kankurou together.

Gaara narrowed his eyes once again and was like, "Never mind."

Kankurou whoops with joy and rushes into the kitchen. Then Temari realizes something which has to do with the hygiene conditions of Kankurou's hands, jumps up and rushes in after him to remind him to do something in case he had been neglecting his personal hygiene.

So we now have Gaara and Baki on the sofa.

"What time is it?" asked Gaara.

"Ten fifty a.m.," replied Baki politely.

Gaara raised an eyebrow—if he had eyebrows! "So we're having DVD night and dinner before lunch?"

"Yeah," said Baki. Gaara was like, "WTH?" but of course he didn't show it.

Seven hours later…

Baki was sprawled on the sofa, snoring like an elephantine lawn mower whereas Gaara's eyes were bulging and he was vibrating with his fist clenched and you could here those pre-eruption sounds being emitted from him.

"Dinner's ready!" sang Kankurou in a way that did not suggest he was a housewife.

Baki got up and rubbed his hands enthusiastically. "Ready already?" said Baki, amazed, "come on Gaara, let's get some grub."

Gaara was like, "KANKUROU, I WILL KILL YOU!"

Temari was already at the table for some reason and for some reason some more, we have magically switched to past tense. Yay.

Gaara took his place beside Baki, who sat beside Temari, who sat beside Kankurou. But she wasn't sitting with Kankurou just yet, because Kankurou hadn't sat down!

Kankurou placed a bowl in front of each person and laid a fork and spoon on either side of every bowl. Then he sat down beside Temari so she is now officially sitting with him. Hurray! Everyone glances down at their bowls (yay present tense).

The bowl is filled with clear water and there is a whole, uncooked garlic that looks like it had been _ceremoniously _plopped inside.

"Voila," said Kankurou with relish, "my signature garlic soup!"

"Boy, this looks good," said Baki, smacking his lips. Temari said calmly and rationally to Kankurou, "You took seven hours to make this?"

"Yes, I mean, it is dinner and we can't be having dinner at ten fifty a.m. can we?" sang Kankurou happily. Temari slapped her forehead. Gaara's entire head had been blown off.

"I didn't really cook it as it's my campaign for energy-saving! I mean it's so hip to go green right? I got the water from our refreshing local secret spring," explained Kankurou in a non-housewife-y fashion.

Baki had completely finished his meal and Gaara was still headless. Temari hadn't touched hers. Then she had an epiphany about Kankurou's water of dubious origins.

"But…we don't have a local spring," said Temari uneasily.

"My compliments to the chef," said Baki, and he went on his way.

Kankurou looked confused. The transition to past tense has commenced! "But it's in the middle of the village and rushes underground like a sparkling stream of sorts, even though it's a spring!"

"Uh Kankurou, did you have to lift a black dustbin lid-like cover, climb through a hole of sorts and descend down a ladder to get to your spring?" asked Temari in…a way.

"Yes!" cried Kankurou, "gosh Temari, don't tell me _you _know about my secret spring?"

Temari clasped her hand to he mouth, "Oh dear," she squeaked. Temari jumped up from the seat and ran for the bathroom.

Kankurou stared at Gaara who was still headless and motionless. "I guess it's just you and me, little bro," he said. He shrugged and started consuming his soup.

The gang which consisted of a headless Gaara, a satisfied Kankurou and Baki and a queasy Temari found themselves on the sofa at 7'o clock.

Baki who did not appear to be sporting any repercussions of his dinner turned on the TV. "Since we do not have a DVD to enjoy due to Kankurou's negligence, we shall just have to enjoy a random program from a random channel," announced Baki. Kankurou grinned sheepishly. Temari bent over as her face turned green. Gaara just sat there, headless.

Baki randomly tuned the TV to Animal Planet and it just so happened to be showing _The Planet's Funniest Animals_.

The announcer was like, "And this is one kitten who loves his tea parties!" Then there was a short clip of Kankurou having a tea party with his puppets.

Temari's mouth hung open. Then she turned to Gaara. "I thought you sent that one to _America's Funniest Home Videos_," she said reproachfully. But Gaara, being headless, didn't have a mouth, so he couldn't reply.

Kankurou giggled, "Aww! What a cute kitten!"

Baki stroked his chin thoughtfully, "Yes, quite. It's positively adorable!"

Temari slapped her forehead.

Gaara regained his head by spawning another one out of sand. He got up and walked away contemptuously.

**Ditto. Vote people vote! For Kakashi Hatake or Might Guy!**


	11. Suna Underwater Aquarium

Chapter 11-Suna Underwater Aquarium

**A/N: Please people. Vote. Chapters three, five and nine are up for your perusal. You should check out chapter nine first though. Thank you. We hope you like this random and disturbing chapter that we have up for you. Yay. Go on, read like there's no tomorrow. Yes! We all love you people. Ok that was rather gay but whatever.**

_Ok, to sidetrack a little, we're going to take a look at _Shino's _family night. It's of course much more normal than the Sand siblings' but whatever._

_Shino is seated on the couch staring at the TV. He is watching _The Planet's Funniest Animals _like everybody else on the planet, because that's apparently what you do when you don't have a DVD to watch on family night, you watch _The Planet's Funniest Animals.

_Shino stares at the screen. A kitten that looks ambiguously like Kankurou is dancing around a tea party table of sorts, dressed in pink. Dressed-up dollies that look ambiguously like Karasu and Kuroari are set around the table. Then his father comes down the stairs, just in time and sees the program Shino is watching._

"_Shino! You know you're not supposed to watch these kinds of shows!" scolds Mr Aburame, "just for that, you're grounded for a week. Family night is off! Go to your room!" Shino sighs and turns off the television and traipses into his room._

_He decides to go to sleep and resolves to attend a psychiatry session to remove the image of Kankurou the kitten from his mind permanently._

Kankurou was taking a cat nap on the sofa one fine afternoon. This time, he wasn't dressed in his cat-like puppeteer suit. He was really dressed as a cat.

Temari walked over and was like, "_What _are you doing?"

Kankurou stretched and yawned. Temari decided to give him a wide berth.

"Can't a cat—I mean a guy sleep?"

"I was worried about that," Temari rolled her eyes, "Kankurou, why are you dressed like a cat?"

"These are my pyjamas," smiled Kankurou good-naturedly.

"Never mind," was the dry reply.

"It's been a long time since we've filmed an episode of _Everybody Loves Gaara_," noted Kankurou, gazing into the distance, well actually just into the bathroom.

"Yes, two chapters was it?" agreed Temari.

"I say we do one today!" said Kankurou determinedly. He clenched his fists and punched the air for some weird reason or another.

"Fine with me, but what are we supposed to do?"

"Let's go to the Suna Underwater Aquarium to film an educational episode about underwater life for the children! Yay!"

Temari was like: WTF?!

As Kankurou danced around the room like the idiot he is, Gaara came down the stairs. "Temari, I'm holding you responsible if Kankurou breaks anything."

"What?" whined Temari, "how is Kankurou's lack of brains my fault?"

"You shall do as I command. _Or I'll kill you_."

"That's not going to scare me! I have Amnesty International on my side now and if they hear that you're constantly threatening me and making me feel oppressed, they'll take immediate action!" said Temari in a frightened and victimized voice.

"I'm not threatening you. I'm telling you the consequences of your actions which I have every mind to carry out," Gaara said intelligently.

Kankurou broke a vase. "Whoopsie!" he giggled. Gaara glared at Temari as though it was her fault Kankurou was the way he was.

"Kankurou, were you dropped as a child?" Temari hissed.

"_Yes_," said Kankurou irritably, "and if you must know it was Baki who dropped me."

"Clean it up," said Gaara in a dangerous voice. Temari sighed and acknowledged her fate. Then she had to acknowledge her fate some more when Kankurou broke some other valuable artifacts that all belonged to Gaara for some reason.

Then after Kankurou was tired of prancing around, he settled down for a nap and Temari maimed him in such a way that he was rendered comatose for several years.

When Kankurou finally regained consciousness, he found Suna to be a better place, full of technology and good, kind, gentle and generous people who cherished each other in more ways than one (just wanted to tell you that Kankurou had merely been sleeping for several seconds).

"I have come to appreciate the true beauty and posterity of Suna and all the good people," sniffed Kankurou, wiping away the tears that had fallen.

"Come on Kankurou, let's get to the Suna Underwater Aquarium now," said Temari tersely, cracking her fists in a threatening manner—a manner that Amnesty International would never approve of.

"Ok!" said Kankurou brightly. He grabbed Temari and they blasted through the time and space continuum.

Temari folded her arms and stared ahead while Kankurou giggled and said, "I like puppies."

Then they found themselves at the entrance of the Suna Underwater Aquarium (SUA now because we don't feel like typing the whole dam—I mean 'darn' name out). Any who, Kankurou was no longer dressed in his cat PJs because it is not socially acceptable to be dressed in pyjamas in any place but home. He was dressed in his usual cat suit.

The children were happy; the children were gay. The children chortled in blissful merriment as they began to play. Kankurou also joined in in the happiness and joy.

Temari conked him over the head with her fan. Then she conked him with a mallet that had been conveniently placed on the sidewalk. They siblings walked into the SUA.

Kankurou whipped out the filming equipment. "Hello kids! Today's episode of _Everybody Loves Gaara _is going to be fun-filled adventure in the SUA or Suna Underwater Aquarium where our salty sea-friend Spongebob will join us in this educational fray—I mean where we will be learning about the miracles of undersea life! Isn't that exciting kiddies?"

"_NO," _said Temari pointedly, her eyes narrowed and her arms folded.

"Just go out with Shikamaru already," said Kankurou.

Temari was about to kick him when Kankurou said, "Uh uh uh. _No _violence. Young eyes watching Temari!"

Temari proceeded to curse and swear under her breath. "I heard that," said Kankurou suddenly. While Kankurou explained the wonders of marine life to the kids (he had somehow assembled a guided tour made out of children ten and under), Temari wistfully turned to examine the giant indoor pool in the middle of the SUA.

There was some kind of shark man swimming happily inside, accepting treats of tuna from his trainer as he performed tricks for the happy children. Temari always hated children, although in the manga and anime, Kankurou is the child-hater but hey in crack fics like this, everyone is OOC!

Temari studied the shark man who was wearing swimming trunks which were red with some kind of cloud print closely. He seemed rather familiar. Then she read his sign:

_Kisame Hoshigaki_

_Shark Man—from the tropical waters of Akatsuki_

THE TROPICAL WATERS OF AKATSUKI? WHAT THE-?

Those trunks were obviously Akatsuki swimming trunks. But the reason why the organization consisting of wanted S-class ninjas who were bent on acquiring all the tailed demons in the world which included the one in her brother to take over the world had their own swimming trunks deluded Temari in every way.

"OMFG," gasped Kankurou. Temari turned to look at her brother who was decked out from head to toe in Kisame the Shark Man merchandise. He was holding a Kisame the Shark Man foam finger with a '#1' on it and was wearing a Kisame the Shark Man costume so he looked creepily like Kisame. And eating Kisame the Shark Man Fish Snackies.

"Wow," said Kankurou, "a Shark Man! Never thought they existed."

Temari slapped her forehead, "I don't want to argue with you on what you just said. But don't you know that he is a member of the Akatsuki?"

"Akat-say wha?"

"Never mind! They are very dangerous! He's probably undercover to come and kill Gaara!"

"See Temari! You're being a paranoid party pooper again! You're no fun!"

"Kankurou! We have to warn Gaara! He has to move out of town, get a new name, start life anew-"

"Hey kids! Kankurou! Temari! How nice of the two of you to come!" Kisame was leaning out of his tank and waving at them.

"Kisame the Shark Man! Omigosh! I'm your biggest fan and I love you!" Kankurou hugged the tank happily. Temari backed away, looking terrified, either because of Kankurou or Kisame, but mostly Kankurou.

"Hey are those Fish Snackies?" Kisame folded his arms, "it is uncool for youths like today to eat my brethren like so!"

Kankurou was like, "Um…" and he flung the Kisame the Shark Man Fish Snackies to Temari who caught it.

"Oh yeah! Hey dude, like, don't tell the others I'm doing this. It's my day job," whispered Kisame to Kankurou and Temari.

"Mr Hoshigaki, why are you working as the star attraction of the SUA?" demanded Temari, as though it wasn't obvious.

"Duh, he needs the money," answered Kankurou, rolling his eyes. Kisame was like, "Ch-yeah!" Temari had to clutch the railing for support.

"Will you sign my tummy?" asked Kankurou suddenly and randomly. Kisame nodded. Kankurou lifted up his shirt. Everybody gawked. Then they regretted it and ran to the washroom. Temari was already dead, but not really.

Kisame pulled out his shaving…sword…thing or whatever it is. We think he calls it Samehada or something but whatever. Kisame and Samehada loom over Kankurou ominously, so scarily that the poor boy NEARLY wets himself.

"I'm going to do something I should have done A LONG TIME AGO!" yelled Kisame angrily.

Kankurou gasped and sucked his thumb (he hasn't washed them), "Don't kill me!"

"Kill you? A sweet little boy? Why on Earth would I kill you? This sword is multi-functional and also serves as a marker!"

Kisame clicks the handle of the sword and the fine-tip of a marker protrudes from the tip of Samehada.

He had to stretch his arm because the brim of the tank was like five metres from Kankurou's tummy. "Now who should I make this bad boy up to?" said Kisame in an avuncular fashion.

"Lil' Kanky!" giggled Lil' Kanky.

And this what he wrote: _Stay beautiful, love from Uncle Kisame to Lil' Kanky_

**Uh…we'll just let you decide on what you think. Heh heh. Hugs and kisses our lovelies. Oh and remember to vote darlings. Toodles.**


	12. Sabaku no Court

Chapter 12-Sabaku no…Court

**A/N: Ok this is going to be a long chapter so bear with us. It's a courtroom thing, as you can see. If you haven't voted, do so now! Oh yes, do heed this warning: WE ARE NOT SAKURA FANS AND WE ARE DISSING SAKURA IN THIS CHAPTER SO IF YOU LIKE SAKURA, DON'T READ THIS CHAPTER. WE HAVE WARNED YOU, SO DON'T FLAME US FOR NOTHING. WE ARE ENTITLED TO OUR OWN OPINION OF EVERYTHING, AS ARE YOU.  
**

Everybody is gathered in the courtroom in Suna. Yes everybody. Here's a rundown of the jury that has gathered:

_Naruto Uzumaki_

_Sasuke Uchiha_

_Sakura Haruno (bitch)_

_Shikamaru Nara_

_Chouji Akimichi_

_Ino Yamanaka (so far more superior than person no. 3 in every way)_

_Kiba Inuzuka (yay puppies!)_

_Shino Aburame (Kankurou says: "Damn you Shino!" end quote)_

_Hinata Hyuuga_

_Neji Hyuuga _

_Rock Lee_

_Tenten (last name N/A)_

_Kakashi Hatake (hotness incarnate)_

_Asuma Sarutobi_

_Kurenai Yuhi_

_Might Guy_

_Lord Voldemort_

_Hello Kitties! (Kankurou says: "Yay!" end quote)_

_Kotetsu Hagane and Izumo Kamizuki (they are a package deal)_

_Batman and Robin (ditto)_

_Tarzan, Jane and some British explorers (ditto)_

_A horde of angry Vikings_

_Darth Vader and Orochimaru (last name N/A) (they came together for some reason)_

_A can of sardines_

_A pink elephant_

Here's a rundown of the legal people that make this courtroom thing possible or whatever. As in the judge, defense team, prosecutor and the defendant.

_Judge: Baki (last name N/A)_

_Defense Team: Kankurou (last name N/A) and Temari (last name N/A)_

_Prosecutor: Karasu (last name N/A)_

_Defendant: Gaara (last name N/A)_

Baki is wearing a powdered wig. He pounds the gavel…OF JUSTICE.

"Order order," booms Baki impressively, "the court is now in session for the trial of Gaara, effectively making it the Sabaku no…"

Everyone present is kept on the edge of their seats, even the Vikings.

"Court," says Baki abruptly. "How anti-climatic," comments the pink elephant in a British accent.

"You must be a magical pink elephant!" cries Naruto.

"Oh heavens what a ludicrous statement—I mean moo?" is the reply. Naruto shrugs. "That seems about right." He returns his short attention span to the courtroom proceeding.

"The defense is ready," says Kankurou confidently, smartening himself by adjusting his puppeteer cap…thing. Temari bangs her forehead on the desk several times. Yes, she's the legal aide.

Karasu's head falls onto the floor.

"The prosecution appears to be ready," said Baki pleasantly.

Gaara is brooding on the defendant's chair for some reason. We have absolutely no idea why he's brooding, I mean just because he's in court for no apparent reason with his brother defending him is no reason to brood.

"Your opening statement Mr Karasu?" says Baki.

Karasu just sits there, headless. Gaara is quivering for some reason.

"How insightful!" gasps Baki. Kankurou is hanging on to every word Karasu is saying. "Smart bastard," he curses. He turns to Temari. "What do you think Temari?"

"I'm thinking how come Karasu is prosecuting and not your legal aide," Temari says, her arms folded and her brow furrowed. Spoilsport.

"We had a disagreement and we decided to settle it some place more appropriate. We were going to be professional about it."

"What about the bathroom?" Temari asks, logically.

"We tried, but Gaara was hogging it again."

"Never mind," said Temari. She proceeded to bang her head on the table again. "You're going to break it if you do that you know," smiled Kankurou good-naturedly. Temari sucked in some air and started smashing her head on the poor desk.

"Is the defense quite done yet?" askes Baki, looking rather affronted.

"Get on with it!" yells Lord Voldemort.

"Temari!" cries Kankurou, "now you've made everyone get a completely inaccurate impression of us!"

"It's not that inaccurate," mutters Temari.

"Yes, we are quite done Your Honor of Bakiness," replies Kankurou, shooting an evil glance at Temari.

"Your Honor of Bakiness?" Temari demanded, "that doesn't even make sense!"

"Yes it does," said Kankurou.

"No it doesn't"

"Yes it does."

"No it doesn't"

"Yes it does!"

"NO IT DOESN'T YOU IDIOTIC LUMP OF—" Temari stopped to see that Kankurou was sniffling and his eyes were watery.

"Miss Temari, please refrain from any unnecessary outbursts or you will be held in contempt of the court. Actually, I don't mind being called 'Your Honor of Bakiness'. It has a nice ring to it. It also nicely sums up my rather youthful disposition," says Judge Baki, scratching his chin thoughfully.

"Hey!" shouts Guy from the bleachers, "THAT'S _OUR _LINE! By 'our' I mean my beloved student Lee and myself!"

"Aren't we your beloved students?" asks Tenten. This was rather pointless, because Guy was too busy being indignant at Baki to care.

"Do you actually care Tenten?" says Neji. Tenten shakes her head.

"Good," Neji says approvingly, "now shut up."

"Ok then, then I find that the title 'Your Honor of Bakiness' rather suits my disposition of being young and vibrant," says Judge Baki hurriedly, lest he gets misunderstood by GUY of all people and would inadvertently lead to some kind of troublesome rivalry between Baki and Guy that would be too troublesome to write about, reason being it is too messy and no one would want to get in the middle of it, let alone provide a full coverage story on. Yes, that is why.

"The first half of that was the root word of my line, but whatever! At least it wasn't totally my line," shrugs Guy.

"Now that's MY line," said a dangerous, thunderous voice. Kakashi Hatake stood up in all his _EasyPeel! _glory, even though he was wearing trousers. But hey, he is the front man of that _EasyPeel! _ad so whatever. Plus he's hot. So whatever again.

"You might not have heard the line in the anime OR the manga, but no one can be described as 'young and vibrant' except me!" shouts Kakashi, slamming his fists on Asuma's head. That blow alone knocks the poor man out instantly. Kurenai gasps and attempts to slap him awake. Ino and Chouji both burst into a frenzy of panic.

Shikamaru decides to do the smart thing and take a nap.

"GET THE FREAKIN' PARAMEDICS!" yells Ino.

"I'm ok!" Asuma's eyes snap open and he takes his place under Kakashi's fists. All the Konoha people glance uneasily at the position of Asuma's head. The can of sardines decides to sacrifice themselves in case Asuma gets hit again and position themselves on Asuma's head.

"My good sir, all the hair on your head has turned white, and you still insist that you are er 'young and vibrant'?"

"What?' cries Kakashi. He narrows his er _eye_.

"No one makes fun of the hair. _Nobody._ Not even some judge punk who thinks he's got it going. Whatever that means," Kakashi hisses.

"Oh? What course of action do you propose we take? _Mr EasyPeel!_?" mocks Baki.

"ENOUGH OF THE FANCY TALK! WE'RE TAKING THIS OUTSIDE!" hollers Kakashi. Darth Vader jumps into the embrace of the Hello Kitties because he is startled. Orochimaru is disguised as Steven Viper (ALL CREDITS TO MASAKOX AND VEGETA3986 FOR NARUTO ABRIDGED) so nobody really knew it was him, except maybe for the bailiff who came up with the list. It's not usually his job, but whatever!

Judge Baki throws down his powdered wig and stalks outside, Kakashi following closely behind and cracking his knuckles with the vehemence of a _murderer_! Oh no Baki! Be careful or you might end up like Hayate! But Baki is the best Jounin in Suna so let's not worry about him and concentrate on more pressing matters, such as THE NEW JUDGE.

"I didn't know Kakashi-sensei was…like that," says Sakura.

"Me neither," says Naruto.

"Sakura, you're a bitch, so shut up about Kakashi, unless you can somehow defeat him in battle," says Sasuke. RIGHTEOUS!

"Oh wait," said Sasuke suddenly, "YOU CAN'T because you are about as useful to us as a bowl of oatmeal in battle!"

"I get hungry sometimes during battle," said Naruto defensively, defending his precious _Sakura-chan_. Ew.

Sakura sniffs, "At least I could never hate you, Sasuke."

"I'll be the judge," says Asuma.

"Why?" asks Ino.

"Don't ask," says Kurenai.

"Why?" asks Kiba.

"Because she freakin' said so," said Shino.

"Um Shino…could you not…use um…language…because I um…get scared," stammers Hinata.

"Oh. Sorry about that."

"OBJECTION!"

The Phoenix Wright 'Objection' theme begins playing in the background because the _Everybody Loves Gaara _crew decided it would be a good time to play it.

"I refute the fact that Shino used language in the current circumstance! And besides, this is a family sh-" Kankurou quails at the look Temari is giving him. I mean he nearly revealed the fact that it was a family show in the presence of GAARA.

"This is a family…shepherd…thing?" Kankurou shrugs his shoulders. Temari slaps her forehead.

"Objection sustained," Judge Asuma said, fitting on the wig of JUSTICE, "Shino will kindly refrain from any more er _vulgar _outbursts. Miss Yuhi, you will be the one to restrain him."

"What?" cries Kurenai indignantly, "how is the fact that Shino is a pottymouth my fault in any way?"

"He is your student. And your failure to educate him in the ways of the civilized is hence your fault."

"I just said one damn word," said Shino.

"Aha!" cries Kiba.

"MR SHINO! WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?!"

"Shush Shino," hissed Kurenai, "or I'll get in trouble." (OMG. PAST TENSE. Ah well.)

"You do know this is all Hinata's fault right?" said Sakura, even though it was none of her business, "I mean if Hinata had never pointed out the fact that Shino had said a bad word, then—"

"Sakura. You're a jerk. None of this was Hinata's fault," said Sasuke.

"I'm afraid I have to agree," said Naruto, "because it's yours! If you had never existed, Hinata would have never said that!"

"What? That has got to be the most illogical thing I have ever heard!" cried Sakura.

"My dear Sakura, but alas, it is the truth," sniffed Lee. He burst into tears and sought Guy for some comfort.

"Ok back to the trial. Since all bad things that happen are Sakura's fault, we shall deal with her later. Sadly we lack evidence to indict her of the current crime so…" said Asuma. Oh we love you Asuma!

Everybody sighed deeply.

"WHY ARE YOU ALL GANGING UP ON ME?" screamed Sakura.

"Anyway—" began Asuma.

"POTTY BREAK! POTTY BREAK! POTTY BREAK!" chanted everyone in the room. Except for those who normally wouldn't, like Gaara, Shino, Temari, that kind of thing.

"Fine," said Asuma, pouting. Everyone filed out of the court room. Gaara was accompanied by his defense team, which is to say, his brother and sister.

Then they saw a sight to behold. All the non-Naruto people, Kotetsu and Izumo (who were mysteriously quiet during the procession of the trial) and Orochimaru had strangely disappeared. But no one was worried. After all, they might have gone for some KFC or Swensons' or something like that.

Baki was holding Kakashi's hand.

Sasuke, Sakura, Ino, Chouji, Shikamaru, Hinata, Shino, Tenten, Neji, Kurenai, Asuma, Gaara and Temari were like "O-M-F-G. W-T-F-H."

Whereas Naruto, Kiba, Lee, Guy and Kankurou were like, "That has got to be the cutest thang we have ever laid eyes on!" (Yes, THANG)

Sakura slapped Naruto.

Akamaru slapped Kiba.

Tenten slapped Lee.

Temari slapped Kankurou.

"It's not what it looks like!" cried Baki and Kakashi hurriedly.

Kakashi tried to explain himself, "I tried to punch Baki but Baki caught my hand and then you guys came along."

"You don't need to explain yourselves," cooed Kankurou, "we know you're in love!"

Baki fainted.

"Curse you rival Kakashi! You found such an attractive partner!" Guy gritted his teeth in anger.

"That's right Guy-sensei! You should be the one with the attractive Baki man!" shouted Lee loyally.

"Oh Lee!" sobbed Guy. "Oh Guy-sensei!" sobbed Lee. Then they leapt into each other's embrace.

All the females present fainted.

The females were consecutively revived and everyone went for their respective potty breaks. Then they went back to the court room.

All the non-Naruto people and Kotetsu, Izumo and Orochimaru were back in their seats. "That was finger-lickin' good, right Robin?" said Batman to Robin (copyright of KFC).

"Ok, now that the court has come back from the recess—"

"POTTY BREAK! POTTY BREAK! POTTY BREAK!"

"What the-" Asuma soon decided it was better not to argue with these crazed people.

One potty break later…

"Ok. Let's-" started Asuma.

"POTTY BREAK! POTTY BREAK! POTTY BREAK!"

Another potty break later…

"POTTY BREAK! POTTY BREAK! POTTY BREAK!"

SEVERAL potty breaks later…

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!" screamed Asuma, rather traumatized, "you have taken no fewer than thirty-two potty breaks in the last half hour! I ask again—WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!"

"Actually," said Karasu suddenly, "we are done." Everybody stared at Karasu.

"I withdraw myself as the prosecutor, this trial has been nothing but decisive nonsense. Carry on," said Karasu. And he left.

"Since we lack a prosecutor, this court finds the defendant Gaara NOT GUI—"

"HOLD IT!" a resonating scream pierces the court room.

The screen shifted to Kankurou and Temari's table.

"Kankurou! What the hell are you doing?!" hissed Temari, "our client just got off the hook!"

"I must make sure that justice is served! There was no evidence to prove that Gaara is NOT guilty" said Kankurou. Temari slapped her forehead.

"Does the defense have an objection?" asked Asuma, looking rather shaken.

"As a matter of fact we do! I call a decisive witness to the stand to prove Gaara's guilt!" cried Kankurou as Phoenix Wright music began to play.

"We're outta here," said Orochimaru, Darth Vader, Lord Voldemort, Kotetsu, Izumo, the can of sardines, the pink elephant, Batman, Robin, Tarzan, Jane, the British explorers and the horde of angry Vikings (even though they were not adequately mentioned or not mentioned at all in this chapter). And they left.

"And who would that be?" asked Asuma.

"Itachi Uchiha," was the reply. More dramatic Phoenix Wright music.

"Kankurou," hissed Gaara in a death whisper, "tomorrow when you wake up to a new day, you won't."

"Ok…then this court issues a subpoena to the one named Itachi Uchiha to make an appearance in court as a witness to the crime," said Asuma, "OH BAILIFF!"

Then Itachi was brought through the front doors in less than five seconds.

He took the witness stand.

"ITACHI! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" yelled Sasuke.

"No Sasuke! Don't do it" cried Kakashi. Yay! He's back. Baki's still out cold, mind you.

"BAILIFF! Tie this boy up and throw him in the closet!" cried Asuma. Everyone stared.

"I mean…this boy is in contempt of the court. Deal with him appropriately, bailiff," Asuma said quickly.

"NOOOOOOOOOO! SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASUKE!" shrieked Sakura, "take me with you!"

"And throw the girl in with him," said Asuma, "and _don't _tape her mouth."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Sasuke.

Sasuke and Sakura were taken away by the bailiff.

"Uh Ino, aren't you going to accompany Sasuke?" asked Shikamaru.

"No. Why would I? I mean Sakura's going to be in there with an _un-taped _mouth," replied Ino.

"Oh yeah. You have a point. Geez, sorry I asked," said Shikamaru.

"Begin your testimony witness," commanded Asuma.

"What am I supposed to testify about?" asked Itachi.

Judge Asuma was scandalized, "Do you not _know_? My good sir! I am asking you to testify about the occurrences of that fateful day."

"I-" began Itachi.

"The defense may begin the cross-examination, although it is seemingly pointless at the moment," said Asuma.

"'Seemingly', Temari. He said 'seemingly'," Kankurou pointed out intelligently. Temari rolled her eyes.

Before Kankurou could say anything, the doors burst open and Kisame stepped in.

"Hey gang! I'm back!" he cooed happily. His arms were laden with shopping. Samehada was of course, dutifully strapped to his back. He was thankfully dressed in his Akatsuki cloak and not the Akatsuki swimming trunks.

"Kisame," said Itachi, "where were you? I haven't seen you in three days."

"I was uh—you know, doing stuff?"

"I know where he was! He was in the Suna Underwater Aquarium—" began Kankurou. Kisame dropped his bags and pounced on Kankurou.

"Ssssshh!" he hissed.

"He was swimming like the little fish he is—" continued Kankurou loudly.

Kisame proceeded to strangle Kankurou.

"In this…gasp…big tank…gasp…"

Kisame punched Kankurou and knocked him out clean.

"That's better," said Temari, smiling brilliantly for the first time ever.

"I agree," said Gaara. Everyone stared.

"I said nothing," he narrowed his eyes. Everybody apparently agreed with this because they hugged each other and returned their attention to the current proceedings at hand.

"Kisame, I think you and I need to talk," said Itachi stoically. Kisame scratched his head sheepishly, "you may be right. So why don't we just leave."

"Before I do, I'd like to do some advertising," said Itachi,

"That was random," commented Kisame.

Itachi held up his perfectly manicured fingernails for all to see. OMG. They were like, painted purple or something.

"Behold. Akatsuki nail polish. This shade is plum purple. Buy Akatsuki nail polish at the discounted price of fifteen ninety-eight. There are seven hundred and fifty-eight shades of Akatsuki nail polish. Buy seventy-three bottles and you can get a complimentary Akatsuki cloak. Participate in the lucky draw and you get a chance to join the Akatsuki," Itachi said this in a rather stoic voice.

Then after a fairly pregnant pause…

"Deidara! Get in here!" cried Kisame, even though he didn't know what was going on.

Deidara ran in, "Ok ok I'm coming! Hey Sasori! You coming?"

"Uh I went to the bathroom and fell in the—" shouted Sasori from afar.

"Uh never mind. And besides, why do you even _need _a bathroom?" asked Deidera,

"NEVER YOU MIND!" shouted Sasori,

"Join Akatsuki today!" advertised Deidera cheerfully. A weird jingle played in the background.

"Ok let's blow this joint," said Kisame. And the three of them left the court room, arm in arm for some strange reason.

Temari's eyes were twitching. No one had bothered to detain the three Akatsuki members. She voiced her doubts to Kankurou who had regained consciousness. It was a wrong move. A VERY wrong move.

"It's because they didn't try to capture Naruto and Gaara silly," chuckled Kankurou.

Temari said, "Pretend I never asked."

"Hold on! OH MY GOD! MY DECISIVE WITNEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!" screamed Kankurou dramatically.

"Kankurou," Temari couldn't help herself, "Itachi was never a decisive witness. So shut the hell up!"

"Meanie!" whined Kankurou.

"Sigh" sighed Temari.

"Wait! I still have more decisive witnesses. A tank full in fact. Said tank full of witnesses witnessed everything there was to witness on that faithful day," said Kankurou.

Judge Asuma sighed, "Bring on the tank full of witnesses! BAILIFF!"

It was a tank full of sand. Kankurou placed a grain of sand carefully on the witness stand.

"Grain of sand number one, please testify about what you saw!"

Everyone but Kankurou did NOT listen to what grain of sand number one had to say. Apparently, it spoke for two hours.

"Very good! Your Honor! Commence the cross-examination!"

"Yeah yeah, whatever floats your boat Kankurou," yawned Judge Asuma.

So the cross-examination began.

"Don't play games with me!" yelled Kankurou.

"I have a feeling this is going to be a long day," yawned Shikamaru.

Seven thousand, three hundred and seventy-six grains of sands later…

Everyone was sleeping, except Gaara of course. Gaara was angry at Kankurou because he made everyone fall asleep and reminded him of the fact that he couldn't sleep.

"KANKUROU! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU NOW!"

Then Temari's eyes snapped open.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! TELL ME WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE FREAKING COURTROOM THING?" she screamed with foghorn-like intensity, causing the courtroom to jump awake.

"Wait," said Kankurou suddenly, "this is a courtroom?"

"Yes…" said Judge Asuma slowly.

"I seem to be in the wrong place then," said Kankurou thoughtfully.

"What about defending the defendant of the charges against his heinous crime? Or crimes. Period." asked Asuma.

"What crimes? May I ask you then what crimes this young child committed?" asked Kankurou pointedly.

"You know…I have _no _idea…" said Judge Asuma, as though in a daze.

Gaara's nostrils flared.

"I thought this was a circus," admitted Kankurou, "I mean look at the number of freaks gathered here!"

Let us show you what Kankurou said about the people present in point form:

He said to Naruto, "I mean, what's with the orange jumpsuit? What kind of ninja wears an orange jumpsuit?! No wonder, you're a circus freak. And your hair does NOT go with all that orange. Geez."

He said to Kiba, "What is with the FACE PAINT? One could mistake it for make-up! I mean are you gay or something. Red is so last season. Purple is the new red. And like, who the hell would wear face paint in the first place. It's not like _I _do it."

He said to Hinata, "Do you have issues with yourself woman? You look like you're so insecure you want to hug yourself! I mean what is with the squeaky voice? Do you like have a deviated septum or something. Circus freak."

He said to Shino, "YOU my good chap are the biggest freak of all. What person in their right mind would have THAT hair with THOSE sun glasses. Geez! You suck dude."

He said to Ino, "You're just plain lame."

He said to Chouji, "What is with the head gear?! You look like you're wearing your underwear on your head or something? Dude, what the hell were you thinking when you got dressed this morning?"

He said to Shikamaru and Neji, "Long hair? I couldn't tell if you were male or female. Get a hair cut, you _hermaphrodites_!"

He said to Tenten, "Ok, you have really really really stupid hair. I mean you look like you have a couple of pork buns on your head."

He said to Lee amd Guy, "Ok, you two are just freaky."

He said to Kakashi, "Like Baki said, hate the hair."

He said to Kurenai, "Do you have pink eye or something? Omigosh, it might be contagious!"

He said to Asuma, "Do you want lung cancer or something? I also despise your beard more than anything else in this room, besides Shino of course."

He said to Temari, "Who the hell would wear their hair in FOUR bangs. How does it stay that way anyway. Geez, you really are a circus freak."

He said to Gaara, "If anyone needs a tan, it's you honey. Your hair is so vibrantly red, it's hurting my eyes. And don't even get me started on that thick kohl eyeliner of yours. You look like Ronald McDonald for crying out loud!"

"Are you done yet Kankurou?" asked Temari sweetly.

"Yes," giggled Kankurou.

"Sick 'em boys!" yelled Temari, "oh and girls!"

Everyone pounced on Kankurou and used their strongest individual jutsus on him. This caused a chemical reaction, forming a giant ball of light.

"We love you Kankurou," everyone said, a maniacal glint in their eyes.

"Yay! I'm loved!" giggled Kankurou.

The ball of light struck him.

End of chapter.

**As tedious as it was to churn out this chapter, it was kinda fun. I hope you guys out there liked it. Thanks for reading. Stay beautiful.**

**Oh yes, sadly, our holidays are ending and soon it we will have to submit to the horrors of schooling and what not. As such, we will be going on a temporary hiatus as of now. We will continue to update periodically though. Please review if you see any room for improvement and/or have any suggestions. If you review, we might me more inclined to update. Haha. Thanks for reading. Again.  
**


	13. Christmas Special

Chapter 13-Christmas Special

**A/N: So it's Christmas and it's going to be a new year. Temari only makes a brief appearance here because she requested not to be publicly humiliated so there. Take that Amnesty International! Plus, don't blame us if this chapter bores the crap outta you. Read at your own risk. Oh and Sakura isn't dissed so much here so unless you are some kind of Sakura-worshipper, just get readin'  
**

Kankurou was dressed up as Santa and was seated in a chair, facing a group of midgety, orphaned children. Yes, dare I revel in the fact that they are midgets? Any who, so Kankurou was trying to spread the Christmas spirit with these unhappy, poor children.

"It is not about receiving," preached Kankurou, "it is about giving."

"Then how come we're orphans? And we're poor?" asked one orphan.

"That's because no one is ever in the Christmas spirit because it is lame," said Temari, walking past chugging down a glass of champagne. It was actually Coke but whatever.

Kankurou gasped like a fish. "TEMARI! How could you delude the children into thinking that the Christmas spirit is lame?"

Temari had already walked past and was never seen again, so she couldn't really answer. But we bet she would have!

"Don't listen to that meanie Temari kids. Maybe a story will help explain why I believe in the Christmas spirit so much," Kankurou said warmly to the orphans.

Kankurou cleared his throat and began his tale.

"There was once a child named Gaara who _LOVED _(Kankurou actually sang this part out)Christmas. All he ever wanted for Christmas was…a goldfish. Of course, his saintly brother wanted a dollie and his meanie, delinquent sister wanted a violent Rottweiler but that hardly matters. The sister's Christmas wish is the one that doesn't matter of course. The brother's was the most important. But that's beside the point. Anyway, back to Gaara.

On Christmas day, Gaara snuck out of his room, giggling happily, thinking of all the wonderful things he would do with the goldfish that Santa would have brought him. He thought of the large mound of cookies that he had baked, just for Santa and placed on the mantelpiece. He thought of the—"

"JUST GET ON WITH IT!" shouted Neji who had magically appeared within the orphan's circle. Well, he is an orphan. But he isn't midgety or poor.

"Ok ok, geez. So Gaara tippity-toed down the staircase, jumping the creaky step so that he could catch ol' Santa filling his Christmas stocking with a goldfish by unawares and hug Santa around the middle and wish him a 'Merry Christmas'. Or something like that. So moving on, Gaara treads quietly on the carpet, trying to stifle his giggles.

But alas, he finds that Santa has already left via the chimney, as the man is evidently quite speedy despite his uh stately _proportions_. But Gaara finds what he has always wanted in his Christmas stocking. A goldfish in a goldfish bowl filled with water. He jumps for joy. Of course, there is a pretty dollie in his brother's stocking and a Rottweiler snarling in his sister's. I'm sure his brother would be very happy and his sister greatly mangled but still…

Gaara is then bombarded by a strange longing to randomly close his eyes for five minutes. Then he is bombarded by a nagging craving to _open _his eyes. He finds that his goldfish is gone from the bowl. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yells poor Gaara, mourning the loss of his beloved Christmas gift.

There is a flushing noise and the brother emerges from the bathroom, a roll of newspaper in his clutched under his armpit. "Hey," he says in a COOL fashion (everyone rolled their eyes at this point, especially Neji who had so much fun rolling his eyes, he actually rolled it into the back of his head. Then it got stuck and he had to spend several seconds to roll it back out). "Have you seen my poor goldfishy O Lordly Brother," asked Gaara melancholically (I never knew that this was a word…but now I do. Yay me!).

"Oh it smelled funny so I thought, 'Hey, all funny-smelling things belonged in the toilet bowl so I flushed the fish down the toilet," said the brother good-naturedly.

Gaara punched his saintly and wonderful brother and then from then on, he has hated Christmas and become a grumpity-wumpkins. The reason why he has become like this is still a mystery. We can only speculate what Gaara's sister has done to make him so. Remember kids, and Neji, Gaara's sister is a meanie and his brother his a lovely person that everyone likes and respects. And li-spects!"

Kankurou looked at all the expectant faces which were clearly not expectant but plain pissed and annoyed.

"The end kids. Did you like the story? What did you learn about the spirit of Christmas from it? I'm sure your answers will be fulfilling and insightful!"

"One, your story is stupid. Two, it had nothing to do with the spirit of Christmas. Three, I'm going to kill you for your insult last chapter," said Neji calmly.

"What about the sister's Rottweiler?" asked one orphan who was actually interested in Kankurou's delusional and freakish story for some strange reason or another.

"Oh it killed her and she was never to be seen again," said Kankurou absent-mindedly.

"Did Gaara ever love Christmas again?" chirped the same delusional child who was actually hyped up over the whole thing.

Gaara walked down the stairs. His eyes were slits so they looked like two thick diagonal lines. It was kinda of scary, not to mention mentally scarring.

"Kankurou, I heard every single thing you said and I think: _I will kill you_," hissed Gaara who was evidently in a good mood.

"There's your answer sweetheart," grinned Kankurou happily. Neji slapped his forehead. I mean someone had to do it. I mean Temari wasn't there for God's sake.

Then, the camera leaves the Suna household and hovers beside the moon. Which was reflecting the Sun's light. Contrary to popular belief, the moon doesn't produce it's own light! GASP!

Then we see the real Santa flying o'er the Suna household roof, o'er the hills and valleys and whatever crap. "Hohohohohohohohohohohohohoho. HO!" ho-es Santa at a speed not humanely possible. So he was like saying "Ho" one several times without stopping.

"Merry Christmas Gaara!" said a disembodied voice that was obviously NOT Santa.

_Meanwhile…_

We find ourselves in Konoha, where the Konoha Twelve are Christmas caroling. Or more like the Konoha Eleven. I mean like Neji is still in Suna and stuff. So they were knocking on some poor chap's door who was absolutely delighted to see them. I mean would you have random cameo people from _Naruto _come a-carolin' at your door or the main cast of _Naruto _come a –carolin'?

So they were like:

On the first day of Christmas,  
My true love sent to me  
One bowl of ramen!

"Sakura, how come you only gave me one bowl of ramen for my birthday!" demanded Naruto.

"Shut up Naruto," said Sakura.

On the second day of Christmas,  
My true love sent to me  
Two Sharingan eyes,  
And a bowl ramen!

"Sasuke, why would your true love give you another pair of Sharingan eyes?" asked Naruto intelligently, but was ignored by everyone, sadly.

On the third day of Christmas,  
my true love sent to me  
Three cherry blossoms,  
Two Sharingan eyes,  
And a bowl of ramen!

"Sakura, that has got to be one of the most unoriginal things I have ever heard," commented Sasuke.

Sakura sniffed, "That hurt."

On the fourth day of Christmas,  
My true love sent to me  
Four all-you-can-eat buffets,  
Three cherry blossoms,  
Two Sharingan eyes,  
And a bowl of ramen!

"I love you true love," said Chouji happily, and began gorging down some, you know, food. And stuff.

On the fifth day of Christmas,  
My true love sent to me  
Five days of sleeping,  
Four all-you-can-eat buffets,  
Three cherry blossoms,  
Two Sharingan eyes,  
And a bowl of ramen!

Shikamaru promptly fell asleep and started snoring at this point.

On the sixth day of Christmas,  
My true love sent to me  
Six souls exchanging,  
Five days of sleeping,  
Four all-you-can-eat buffets,  
Three cherry blossoms,  
Two Sharingan eyes,  
And a bowl of ramen!

"Ino!" said Sakura indignantly, "why did you sing that instead of making some pointless comment about Sasuke giving you flowers?"

"No one really cares Sakura," said Naruto.

On the seventh day of Christmas,  
My true love sent to me  
Seven spandex suits! (You should know who this is)  
Six souls exchanging,  
Five days of sleeping,  
Four all-you-can-eat buffets,  
Three cherry blossoms,  
Two Sharingan eyes,  
And a bowl of ramen!

On the eighth day of Christmas,  
My true love sent to me-

"Hey where's Neji?" hissed Ino.

"I'm here," scowled Neji, "I had to walk here all the way from Suna to _carol_?"

"Why were you at Suna anyway Neji?" asked Tenten.

"_Don't ask_ you idiotic kunoichi," hissed Neji.

"_Someone's _pissed," said Sakura.

"I'll just have to get this over with," sighed Neji.

Eight dead members of the Main Branch,  
Seven spandex suits,  
Six souls exchanging,  
Five days of sleeping,  
Four all-you-can-eat buffets,  
Three cherry blossoms,  
Two Sharingan eyes,  
And a bowl of ramen!

Hinata had to jump into a bush.

On the ninth day of Christmas,  
My true love sent to me  
Nine pointy objects,  
Eight dead members of the Main Branch,  
Seven spandex suits,  
Six souls exchanging,  
Five days of sleeping,  
Four all-you-can-eat buffets,  
Three cherry blossoms,  
Two Sharingan eyes,  
And a bowl of ramen!

"Eww!" screamed everyone, staring at Tenten for saying, "Nine pointy objects."

I mean, it's kinda gross.

On the tenth day of Christmas,  
My true love sent to me  
Ten! Muddy puppies! Right Akamaru?  
Nine pointy objects,  
Eight dead members of the Main Branch,  
Seven spandex suits,  
Six souls exchanging,  
Five days of sleeping,  
Four all-you-can-eat buffets,  
Three cherry blossoms,  
Two Sharingan eyes,  
And a bowl of ramen!

Akamaru barked and the person who was being sung to hugged Kiba and Akamaru because they are _precious_! Ok that was weird.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,  
My true love sent to me  
Eleven stinging wasps, (this is your favourite bug nerd singing, yes _singing_)  
Ten! Muddy puppies! Right Akamaru?  
Nine pointy objects,  
Eight dead members of the Main Branch,  
Seven spandex suits,  
Six souls exchanging,  
Five days of sleeping,  
Four all-you-can-eat buffets,  
Three cherry blossoms,  
Two Sharingan eyes,  
And a bowl of ramen!

On the twelfth day of Christmas,  
My true love sent to me  
Twelve members of the Side Branch _not _killing the Main Branch members,  
Eleven stinging wasps, (this is your favourite bug nerd singing, yes _singing_)  
Ten! Muddy puppies! Right Akamaru?  
Nine pointy objects,  
Eight dead members of the Main Branch,  
Seven spandex suits,  
Six souls exchanging,  
Five days of sleeping,  
Four all-you-can-eat buffets,  
Three cherry blossoms,  
Two Sharingan eyes,  
And a bowl of ramen!

Hinata came out of her bush to sing this and leaped into it the moment Neji turned in her direction.

The person smiled at them. They had been singing for like a whole fifteen minutes. So the person just collapsed and they had to dial '911' and stuff.

**I don't think this chapter was very funny, but whatever. It's a Christmas special and like, we're not in a right state of mind due to excessive partying, that kind of thing (ok not really). But we hoped you like the fact that we actually did a Christmas special for you guys. It's the thought that counts kids.**

**ATTENTION**

**However, we are hosting a comment special for chapter fifteen because chapter fourteen is reserved for the polling results. So make your comments as strange and obscure as possible so we can comment on it. Or to put it more accurately, your favourite character will. This is limited to the first ten commenter's, including voters, from this chapter forth. Type your comment and state the character you want us to use to comment on your comment. Ok, that was weird.**

**E.g. If A puts a comment down saying, "Hey I like puppies." and he indicates that he wants Kakuzu to offer a rebuttal, then we'll make it happen.**

**Yes, it's that simple. So start commenting children, if you want to see what happens.**


	14. Polling Results

Chapter 14-Polling Results

**A/N: Hey kids! Here're the polling results. It took us long enough! Ok so only seven people voted but whatever. I wrote this with Kawaii-no-Kitsune and some friends like px. My brother was busy playing **_**Spore **_**so he didn't help. Ah well.**

Kankurou and Temari are gathered beside a box. Of course, Kakashi and Guy are gathered there as well. I mean, they're the candidates! And stuff. Oh and Lee is there to. For reasons we all know. Kakashi's team isn't very supportive so they're not there and Kakashi doesn't care either so that's ok!

"Ok! We're gathered here to announce the winner of the polling competition thing between Guy and Kakashi—" began Kankurou.

"HA! He announced my name first! So that means I win!" screamed Guy.

Kakashi was reading his um book so he didn't hear what Guy had previously screamed. He put his book calmly down and addressed Guy in the politest of all fashions.

"Yes Guy?" he said good-naturedly.

"Did you hear what I just said rival Kakashi?"

"No, I'm sorry. So could you repeat it," requested Kakashi of Guy.

Guy nearly exploded.

"Uh why don't you men settle your dispute at the polling announcement…thing," suggested Temari.

Guy folded his arms and sniffed. Lee began to comfort Guy.

"OkherestheresultGuywinsfivevotestotwo," said Kankurou happily.

"Huh?" said Guy, Kakashi, Temari and Lee.

"Now that we have that taken care of—" began Kankurou. AGAIN.

Then Guy had an epiphany.

"OH MY GOD! I WON THE ELECTION!" he hollered so that everybody's eardrums exploded except Lee because he has the Soundproof ability when with Guy.

"I LOVE YOU GUY-SENSEI!" hollered Lee back.

"HA! I _DID _WIN RIVAL KAKASHI! BEAT THAT!"

"You know what?" said Kakashi calmly, "I don't really care."

With that he walked away as though his loss didn't hurt one bit. BUT WE KNOW FOR A FACT THAT IT HURT AS MUCH WHEN RIN, OBITO AND MINATO DIED.

"I just don't get it," sighed Kakashi, thinking on a chair.

"How could I possibly lose? I mean look at me. I'm brimming with quiet intensity. The women love me because I am so sexy. And my lovely legs..." Kakashi's voice trailed off as he pulled up his trouser legs for the world to see.

"I mean how could anyone _not _love my legs?"

Someone wolf-whistled at his shiny, smooth legs.

Kakashi was like, "WTF? I thought I was alone!"

He got up from his random chair and ran away as fast as possible, for a stalker was on the loose.

"Wait Kakashi! I love your legs!" screamed an unknown person who was chasing after our silver-haired Jounin. And who else could it be but _Kankurou_?

Oh dear! Run Kakashi! Run!

**This chapter was stupid and random. But whatever! The point was to announce results so…love you guys! Ok that was ambiguously gay. But I just heard Tiny Tim sing **_**Living the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight **_**so…um…**


	15. Comment Special

Chapter 15-Comment Special

**A/N: Hey there people! We're back with the comment special thing. Sorry we didn't have a new year's special…ah well. Get ready for all the randomness we know you love. Not to mention all the **_**Phoenix Wright/ Apollo Justice**_** and **_**Harry Potter**_** cross-overs. We even got a bit of **_**Spongebob Squarepants**_**.**

Temari and Kankurou are seated at some place where no one really specified. All we really know is that they're seated. So…let's move on?

"Welcome to the _Everybody Loves Gaara _comment special today!" said Temari, making a visible effort to sound upbeat. Kankurou was picking his nose. When Temari stared at him, he was like, "Do you mind?"

"Yes?" answered Temari.

"That is beside the point," pointed out Kankurou, pointedly.

Temari gave him a weird look.

"Carry on dear sister."

Then he walked out of the room humming _Man! I Feel Like A Woman._

"Anyway…" continued Temari, "let's get our first uh contestant?"

She shook her head, "Never mind. Tenten please come out."

Tenten walked into the studio, "Um, why am I even here."

"_Because _you have a fan who wishes for you to respond to him or her," said Kankurou prissily. (Geez.)

"Kankurou how are you back?" demanded Temari.

"Dunno," shrugged Kankurou, "I just felt like watching _Monty Python_ and grabbing a Coke and then I randomly felt that I had to save a woman from a burning building and then after doing so, I came back."

"Um…" said Temari, "just take a seat Kankurou and we can get started."

So Kankurou did.

"Ok Tenten, here's your comment from Jevovah's Witness, in all of its gloriousness," said Kankurou, "Temari! Take it away."

Temari was like: WTH.

Tenten was like: WTH is right sista.

So Temari was like, "Right Tenten, here it is: **Funny stuff, man. Pure genius! Could I be TenTen pretty please?** from Jevovah's Witness."

No one moved.

"Tenten, is something wrong?" asked Kankurou, invading Tenten's personal space rather blatantly. Tenten kicked him across the room and sat back down.

She stared at Temari. Temari stared at her.

"Well?" said Temari.

"Uh Jevovah's Witness…I don't think you can be me. I mean, I'm Tenten. You're Jevovah's Witness. We're worlds apart. You're going to have to stick to being you for now. Be happy with who you are—" Tenten was saying.

"Oh crap!" cried Kankurou from the other side of the sparsely furnished room.

Tenten and Temari stared at him.

"We gave Tenten the wrong comment! We should have given her this one!"

The camera transitioned to Temari and we see a piece of paper that had somehow appeared in her hands.

"OH!" realized Temari.

"Ok, sorry about that Tenten, here's the real comment: **My bad, this is actually a rephrase of my comment from chapter thirteen. What I meant to say is that I want TenTen to offer a rebuttal.**

Like I said before, your fanfic is pure comedic genius. It made me laugh so hard, and one scenario actually popped into my head while I was in church. I'm praying the other parishioners don't see me as weird.

BTW, Shark Week was on Discovery Channel last week. If you can make some totally non-redundant Kisame jokes about that, I'll tip my hat to you. by thesame person."

"Um, because I am not related to this fanfic in any way, I don't really know what to say," said Tenten.

"Another reason would be that you are one of the more minor characters in _Naruto _and as such hardly get any screen time. And henceforth, you don't have a lot of character development and this makes it harder for our scriptwriters to make one up for you, for fear that it doesn't gel well with the peeps," explained Kankurou, still sprawled over the floor.

"What are you, some kind of gangsta lawyer dude?" Temari narrowed her eyes.

"What youse talking about? GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!" some random person that all players of _Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations _will know yelled. And also on a more random note, Wocky Kitaki of _Apollo Justice_.

MOVING ON.

"Maybe," replied Kankurou.

"Tenten, try to improvise," said Temari.

"Alright," said Tenten nervously, "uh…I like the fact that you were actually thinking about this fic even in church which is an act of great devotion. And…um…well, I'm glad that you chose me to comment on your comment so…um thanks. Yeah."

"That was great!" Kankurou screamed randomly.

"Ok…now we're gonna call Kisame in even though I become mortally paranoid whenever he is around," said Temari, cheerfully.

Then Kisame walked in and Temari collapsed for she had suffered from a mild case of CARDIAC ARREST.

"Uncle Kisame!" squealed Kankurou. He got up and hugged Kisame. Who hugged him back.

"I still have your autograph…wanna see?" winked Kankurou.

"NO. Specifically," Kisame said quickly.

"Oh yeah, some kid wanted us to make some Kisame jokes for Shark Week on Explorer Channel or something," yawned the one also known as Lil' Kanky.

"It's Discovery Channel, and unfortunately Shark Week is long over" said Temari, who promptly fainted again afterwards.

"But still," Kisame scratched his chin, "I think _I _canmake some totally non-redundant shark jokes."

"Knock yourself out," said Kankurou who was savouring a bowleth ofeth garliceth soupeth.

"So…what did the shark plead in a murder trial?"

No one answered.

"Not gil-ty!"

Someone died because of the sheer lameness but we're not going to say who.

"Ok how about this one: What did the two teenage sharks say to each other when they were having se—" Kisame started.

"OH MY GOD KISAME THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW!" everyone yelled unanimously, INCLUDING GAARA.

"I was _going _to say,_ having set sandwich lunches together in their school cafeteria_," said Kisame irritably.

"Ooh…" sighed Jiraiya, who had gotten over Garetta and the injuries she (WHAT THE CRAP) um caused him.

"OOOOOOH!" everyone slapped their foreheads and hugged each other because of their stupidity.

"What did they say Kisame?" asked the weird kid in the Christmas Special who actually _cared_.

"They said, 'Will you trade me your peanut butter and jelly sandwich for my baloney and cucumber one?'" said Kisame.

The abnormal child burst out laughing and someone had to take him away.

"Ok, this is a good one. What's worse than being bitten by a shark?" asked Kisame.

"Listening to YOUR jokes!" wailed Temari who fainted after her comment.

"Being bitten by a vampire shark! HAHAHA!"

When no one replied, Kisame was like, "You know…as in _Twilight_? Hello? Edward Cullen? Bella Swan?"

"OMIGOSH! YOU PEOPLE ARE RETARDS! EDWARD CULLEN IS SO DAMN HOT AND YOU DON'T EVEN SQUEAL WHEN HIS NAME IS MENTIONED??? CULLEN IS THY NAME I TELL YOU! CULLEN IS THY NAME!" Kisame exploded.

Temari kicked him out and everything was still.

"Next comment," said Temari who had regained consciousness, as evident from her above actions.

"Ok, here's one from Kawaii-no-Kitsune!" _harangued _(we know what the word means. We're just using it totally inappropriately to humour those in my class) Kankurou.

"It goes: **...Okkaay...**

Let's see. First... SEVEN PAIRS OF SPANDEX SUIT is DISTURBING!! *takes in a deep breath* Now that that's done and over with... I loved how Gaara's fish got washed down the toilet. Too bad Temari wasn't here. ...Though I loved her evilness.

The song was pure genius, sweetie!! Although, you should have put Naruto's bowl of ramen to the last. I mean, how could he be satisfied with only ONE bowl of ramen? Neji's and Hinata's was quite good too.

Well... As for who I want to offer a rebuttal... I'll let you choose. Take it as a present from me to you (and your brothers) for this wonderfully good Christmas special~

~Kawaii-no-Kitsune

and of course this is in reference to our Christmas Special," said Kankurou. OMG.

"Let's roll the _Naruto _character die so that Kawaii-no-Kitsune can have a character comment on her comment! Yay!" giggled Kankurou.

The eight hundred over-sided die was rolled and nearly crushed Temari who was trying to figure out the probability of various things with said die. Oh my god. I'd rather die than do that (pun intended).

"Aaaaaaaaaaaand we have NEJI HYUUGA!" hollered Kankurou, in a fashion not unlike Lee. And Guy. Gasp.

The camera shifted to a long haired boy in the middle of the room.

"How the hell did you get here?" demanded Temari who has demanded at least once in this chapter.

"I Apparated," said Neji calmly.

Dead silence.

"Ok, let's just move on," sighed Temari. (Note that 'sigh' is a lot softer than 'groan'. Again my class humour)

"So comment away Nejums," said Kankurou.

"It's Neji," said Neji icily.

"I'll call you Nejums," said Kankurou childishly, folding his arms.

"Do you want me to hire a prosecutor, namely Klavier Gavin, to sue you for defamation?" hissed the one known to Kankurou as 'Nejums'.

"Why not Edgeworth?" asked Kankurou

"Because he's pink and frilly," said Neji

"Like you?" asked Kankurou.

"Yes," said Neji.

"NO I MEANT NO! NOT LIKE ME!"

"You make a valid point," shrugged Kankurou, "let's move on Nejums."

"I don't think you can hire a prosecutor though. They belong to the police," said Temari sensibly. Everyone gave her a 'do you even care look'. And she replied with a 'no I don't' look.

"I don't really care about what this Kitsune person has to say because like my teammate Tenten, I have no relation whatsoever to this travesty of a fanfiction. Although I do agree with her about Lee's suits and my part of the song of which was THE BEST," commented Neji stoically.

"Of course, _Lady _Hinata's was the dumbest. I mean _Lady _Hinata is a tyrannical idiot of a bimbo," insulted Neji. How mean.

"Um Nejums, could you lay off the insults," said Kankurou, checking a figurative clipboard, "the fans don't like it when you insult Hinata like that. According to the polls, she's WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more popular than you are."

"I can't live with this," said Neji in a really pissed fashion and flounced (ew) off.

"No one asked ya to!" Kankurou yelled back.

"Ok let's get on with the comments," said Temari testily, "we only have like one hour before _Baywatch _starts."

"You watch _Baywatch_?" asked Kankurou incredulously.

"_Yes_. I mean it's so _romantical_…" sighed Temari contentedly.

"It's about a bunch of attractive lifeguards. It's not romantical, it's shallow and demeaning to those of lower…beauty," said Kankurou.

"Lower beauty?" came the totally nonplussed reply.

"Well…shut up!"

"Sigh. NEXT!" said someone who wanted this whole damn (omigosh I meant 'darn') to be done and over with.

"Ok," said Temari, checking HER figurative clipboard.

"We have some guy named totaltheTERRIER who asks: **haha! ok, my question is 4 naruto: did u reveal ur fettish for uggs so that sakura knows wut 2 get u 4 xmas?**"

Temari stared skeptically at the message, "Okaaay…um Naruto will you please step up here?" Some grumbling and "Believe it!" is heard.

Then Naruto appears for the first time in a several chapters, excluding the last two.

"Hey everyone! The Sixth Hokage is here! Believe it!"

"Do I have to spell out everything for you? You little brat?" tutted Kankurou.

"Yes?"

"Ok then. Here we go: Y-O-U A-R-E N-O-T T-H-E S-I-X-T-H H-O-K-A-G-E. A-N-D I L-I-K-E K-I-T-T-I-E-S."

"What? You want me to use ice-cream as stuffing for your doll collection?" asked Naruto, rather cleverly.

"Duh," Kankurou rolled his eyes in a gesture of equal intelligence.

"Oh yeah? But I'm not doing it! Believe it!"

"Naruto!" shouted Temari, "the question is: **did u reveal ur fettish for uggs so that sakura knows wut 2 get u 4 xmas?** even though Christmas is long over?"

"What the? What are 'uggs' anyway? I don't like 'uggs', whatever they are, so I most certainly don't have a fetish for them!" said Naruto huffily.

"Now if Sakura wanted to get me a present of Christmas, she'd give me her hand in marriage even though she can't technically do that and an infinite amount of ramen that shall be known as value _x_," continued Naruto.

Why Naruto likes Sakura still deludes us to this very day.

"Good day to you sir," Naruto stomped out of the room.

"But I'm a girl," Temari stated.

"And your point?" said Kankurou.

"Next comment: **I wonder if Gaara will ever wear red lipstick with a very short black dress on...**from XXBloodQueenXX," Temari looked at Kankurou, stunned. Probably because Kankurou was having his weekly condiment-cum-aromatherapy soak in the middle of the room and just wearing a pair of Speedos. AND PICKING HIS NOSE.

"This is awkward," said Kankurou, who picked up his aromatherapy bottles and the giant jars of mustard and mayonnaise and walked out of the room.

Gaara just walked in.

"I heard my name," he said.

"Um you're right…brotha?" said Temari with uncertainty in her voice.

"Give me that," Gaara's sand coiled around Temari's clipboard. She shrieked as the clipboard came into contact with Gaara's hands.

Gaara stared at XXBloodQueenXX's comment. Without any expression, he handed Temari the clipboard. She promptly fainted.

He strode out of the room and returned, wearing red lipstick with a very short black dress on. Temari had just regained consciousness and died at the sight of Gaara in said apparel.

Gaara glared. And glared.

"Well?" he demanded, giving people the ol' eye. Of doom of course. Not the suggestive one. You know.

There was a smattering of polite applause. Apparently satisfied, Gaara left the room.

Kankurou entered, thankfully, he was fully clothed this time.

"What'd I miss?" he asked eagerly.

Temari was revived and slapped Kankurou for some reason.

"I _never _want to see you in Speedos and soaking in condiments and aromatherapy oils ever again? You and Gaara have officially scarred me for life!"

"Wait—did you say Gaara?" asked Kankurou cluelessly. I mean he did miss that part.

"Yes Gaara," and Temari bitch-slapped Kankurou for mentioning and making her relive one of the most traumatic visuals of her life.

"Ok, we're nearly done, so let's see what DigiDrew has to say," Temari said.

On reading the comment, she grabbed Kankurou's clipboard and checked it with hers.

"Um, Kankurou, you do it," suggested Temari.

"O! K!" the cat man said enthusiastically.

"DigiDrew says: **Yay! Okay, so...Guy-sensei is the COOLEST bowl-cut-hairdo-guy-who-wears-green-spandex-clothing I've EVER seen!**

(I want Kakashi to respond to this.)"

"Um DigiDrew," said Temari, on the verge of hyperventilating, "I just need to know if you've gotten your prescriptions checked and whether you've seen your family doctor every two…minutes."

Kakashi strolled in and Temari's heart nearly stopped. I mean when a hot, sexy guy like Kakashi walks in, your heart stops right? Mine would. But my brother's wouldn't. But that is beside the point as usual. So anywho…

"I heard the comment from outside the room so you don't need to repeat it for me. Secondly, make sure Guy is nowhere in the vicinity. Then I can continue," Kakashi said dryly.

"Of course!" Temari saluted him and went off scouting for Guy.

Two minutes later, she returned.

"I took care of things," she said sweetly.

Meanwhile…

Guy and Lee were found on a deserted island in a small, rundown hut. They're only friends were four coconuts and a monkey and a bug.

They were bound and gagged. Both of them were unconscious because they had been suspiciously conked over the head by a weapon that was creepily similar to a giant fan…

"Ok, so let me get started. I don't really care what you think about Guy, so long as it's not about me. Guy's really annoying. I mean it's obvious that I'm better than him in more ways than one. Guy has his fans, surprisingly, I have my fans, not so surprisingly. You must be one of his fans. As such, go ahead and worship him like Kisame and millions of teenage girls do with Edward Cullen," said Kakashi.

"So true," agreed Temari, batting her eyelids.

"How egoistic," commented Kankurou, out of earshot of Temari of course. I mean things could get _messy_.

"Here's an alternative explanation. You say Guy is the coolest bowl-cut-hairdo-guy-who-wears-green-spandex-clothing you've ever seen. That's probably true, because he is the ONLY bowl-cut-hairdo-guy-who-wears-green-spandex-clothing you've ever seen even when compared in context with Lee. I mean he _does _idolize Guy, albeit a tad bit blindly. So that means Guy is 'cooler' as you say, than Lee," Kakashi went on and on and on and on. And on.

"Geez, would it kill him to shut up?" muttered Kankurou.

"By the way DigiDrew, if you expected me to get angry or do something weird like throw a hissy-fit, it's not going to happen. Oh yeah, I have to massage a lovely woman at my part-time job as a masseuse, so if you don't mind, the lady made an appointment…" Kakashi went out. Temari was crushed.

"Ah well, he wasn't that hot anyway," she admitted, "wait—what am I saying?"

"Next comment, or should I say _comments_ are from…px! Yay!" Kankurou giggled and started living in the sunlight and loving in the moonlight.

"We're gonna need two people. Sakura and Shikamaru," said Kankurou, checking off something on his clipboard which Temari had returned. In actuality, he was doodling a picture of Abraham Lincoln in a bikini.

Temari did a spit-take. With coffee of course. Not her own spit because that would be really gross. Yeah. Omigosh. Ew.

"Did you say Shikamaru?" she yelled.

"Yes. Why're you getting so worked up?" questioned Kankurou.

"Holy crap," Temari put her hand on her forehead, "they're going to blow this up into one of those Shikatema things."

"How do you know this?" Kankurou queried curiously.

"Just because," Temari said tersely.

"That's not a real answer!" defended Kankurou, even though he wasn't defending anything. But he said it in a really defensive tone.

"I'm going to die in two years if this keeps up," Temari said gravely.

Shikamaru and Sakura walked in.

Many refrained from throwing eggs at Sakura. Or should I say 'uggs'?

"Ok, px tells Sakura: **i hate you! can you juz die?!  
haha i'm looking forward to her reply. =P**"

"Tough," Shikamaru shook his head.

Sakura was like, "I can't believe someone actually hates me? I thought I was universally loved? Omigosh, I think I'm going to cry!"

What a whiner.

Sakura sat there crying uselessly for several hours.

Sasuke made it a point to holiday in romantic Paris with a beautiful, kind and decent original character who is also coincidentally an Uchiha who had learned one hundred million jutsus and they fell in love, got married and had two beautiful girls.

"Get out, you," Kankurou and Temari AND Shikamaru kicked her out and the audience were pelting her with uggs.

Kankurou went on, "Now that that's over, let's move on to px's second comment of the day. And that is for Shikamaru. It goes: **do u like temari? i mean i'd really like u two to be together. haha. =D**"

"Hey hands off my sister!" said Kankurou, because that is what brothers are supposed to do when there are people chasing their sisters.

"I made no advances," yawned Shikamaru.

"And I probably never will," he murmured under his breath.

"What was that?" Temari said sharply.

"Nothing. What a drag," sighed Shikamaru.

"Can I go home now?" asked Shikamaru again, for a consecutive time.

"No," said Kankurou, "you haven't answered the question."

"Let me tell you Shikatema fan people straight. Temari and I are mutual friends and nothing more until Masashi Kishimoto makes something happen or whatever. I know it's been heavily hinted, but you haven't seen Temari and me making out on pillars or whatever right?" reasoned Shikamaru.

"And besides, I'm only like twelve. She's like four years my senior. Wait till Shippuden won't you guys?"

"Are you saying I'm old?" screeched Temari, threateningly.

"No, I'm saying that you're older than me and as such, we might not make a good couple, but still good mutual friends, despite what the fans think. But then again, they're just fans," said Shikamaru.

"You make a valid point," sighed Temari, "sorry fan people, but not today. And don't use the fan pun again."

"Pun unintended," said Shikamaru uninterestedly, "now can I go home?"

"Yes," said Kankurou and Temari together.

"Next comment!" a disembodied voice said loudly.

"OMG, four comments! We've struck gold Temari!" exclaimed Kankurou.

"Hurry it up," Temari said. Spoilsport. Well she is, so whatever.

"Ok, this one appears to be from ~PY~ to Chouji. She asks: **Here is my qns to Chouji: Why do you eat so much? I mean I noe tat you are  
big boned but dontcha tink tat its quite nice when ppl call u incredibly cute  
and chubby (PS: NOT FAT!), & tat u are terribly adorable?**" said Kankurou.

"CHOUJI GET IN HERE!" the same, mysterious disembodied voice yelled. Loudly.

Chouji walked in, stuffing himself with potato chips. Kankurou repeated the comment once more because well, Chouji had his hands full so he couldn't actually hold the clipboard. Yes, we're still obsessing over that.

Chouji swallowed slowly. Painstakingly slowly.

"I kind of feel uncomfortable because this comment sounds like what a paedophile would say when he's stalking little kids…" Chouji's voice trailed off and he stuffed more chips into his mouth to alleviate his fears.

"Um Chouji," began Temari, a little shocked at Chouji's paranoia that far surpassed her own (NOT!), "no one wants to stalk you. Just answer truthfully."

"Uh…ok?"

"That's m'boy!" Kankurou clapped his hand on Chouji's porky shoulder.

"I don't think I want to be your son Kankurou. I already have a dad. His name is Choza and he's a great dad. He takes me swimming, cycling and training every alternate day and I love him more than anything else and—" Chouji started off.

Kankurou and Temari slapped their foreheads.

"No one wants to take your father's place Chouji," said Temari tiredly, "we just want you to address the question at hand."

"Ok. ~PY~ asked me why I eat so much. It's because we Akimichis need to be a little on the chubby side to execute our jutsus. And also because we simply love to eat. That's really it. And I thank her for um…saying that she thinks I'm adorable?"

"That's it Chouji!" encouraged Temari.

"Use the teleprompter," hissed Kankurou.

"Don't!" said Temari in a warning tone, "all replies must be heartfelt and original, not ripped off a cold, unfeeling machine and—"

"So it's nice to be appreciated and understood. Now that I think about it, no one's ever been so nice to me, besides Shikamaru of course. I think…I'm in love," said Chouji in a dazed voice.

"Um _Naruto _characters falling in love with commenters is so NOT in the script," said Temari disdainfully as Chouji began forming the words '~PY~' on the floor lovingly with his infinite chips.

"Temari! You were the one who told me not to use the teleprompter! You're a hypocrite," accused Kankurou.

"Next comment," said Temari quickly. She lifted Chouji and his chips and put them in the far corner, so that they wouldn't get in the way.

"Let's just get Kankurou, Kiba and Sasori all in here to save time," suggested Kankurou who had forgotten about his accusation.

Kiba and Sasori walked in because they have to do that. And because it has already been done several times and it has become a trend.

"Wait—we're still missing someone! Where the hell did Kankurou go?" cried Kankurou angrily. All the people present in the room slapped their foreheads.

They watched Kankurou yell Kankurou's name for about three hours.

Then he realized that Kankurou was not in the room and went out to find him so that the special could move on.

Akamaru leaped from Kiba's head and slapped Kankurou and said (YES, THE DOG TALKED),"YOU*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************BALONEY!"

Then Kankurou had an epiphany—"Hey wait a second! _I'm _Kankurou!"

Everyone had to restrain themselves from maiming him in a severe fashion.

"Also from ~PY~, she asks Kankurou: **Hi! Me again. Bet u'll find me irritatin. (I've got too much qns!) Ok. Here's another of my annoying qns. To Kankurou: Are u so digusting since u're a toddler or wat? Got influenced by *someone* and became wat u r now? I mean did u ever washed your hands since the day u were borned?( Yes, tats from my sis).But dont be mistaken, U still rox!**" read Temari.

Kankurou cleared his throat and began, "Of course I don't find you irritating. However…" Kankurou's lip began to tremble.

"MEANIE! How could you ask me if I'm disgusting to my face like that? I have delicate senses!" wailed Kankurou.

Then he calmed down from his extensive bawling and said, "As for the hands question, my answer to that is no. No, I have never washed my hands from the day I was born." Kankurou showed the camera his hands which were covered in mould and fungi and someone screamed (probably the disembodied voice).

Everyone stared.

"Um, how about we get Kiba and Akamaru to answer now," said Temari, breaking the silence.

"Right on!" cheered Kiba. Akamaru had returned to his native tongue of course and he barked sweetly.

"Ok, here's your comment Kiba, also from ~PY~: **Yo! Rite, lets go straight 2 the point. Um... My qns to Kiba: Can you have more screen time? U can quarrel more wit Kankurou on the tatoo colours!(Sry, I prefer purple though.) Pls...**"

"Since you were so straight forward, I'll do the same for you," said Kiba. Akamaru scratched his chin for him.

"I don't think I can help myself and Akamaru not having so much screentime. I just have to wait till Masashi Kishimoto gives me more filler arcs," shrugged Kiba. Akamaru shrugged as well.

"Ok next part. You want me to argue with that cat freak over there…prefect!" said Kiba brightly.

Akamaru and Kiba barked at Kankurou. Kankurou hissed and arched his back like a cat.

Here's what they were saying, in case you don't speak Dog or Cat.

Akamaru and Kiba (AK): Red face paint forever!

Kankurou aka Lil' Kanky (LK): No, purple!

AK: But red is so pretty.

LK: (In an exceedingly gay voice) No purple is FABULOUS.

AK: (Considerably subdued) Ok, that's enough of that.

"Well?" said Kiba impatiently.

"Um good?" said Temari, extremely disturbed.

"Yay!" giggled Kankurou like a young maiden.

"Um let's have Sasori next," said Temari. She was like: OMG Sasori from Akatsuki. Get Gaara outta here!!!

Kankurou was like, "My idol!"

"Yes?" said Sasori stoically, "what do you want me to do. I was brought here under the impression that I would be given an essential task to do. Such as defeat the Jinchuuriki?"

"Uh…" Kankurou gaped.

"~PY~ asks: **My qns to Sasori: I love your 'Akatsuki' advertisement! Will support u all the way. U should dress up lik a girl, cross dressing fits u man. U've got THE  
face! U rox as well!**" Temari cut in quickly.

"I have no comment," said Sasori.

"No no no," Kankurou shook his head vigorously, so that his hood fell off and his hair was revealed.

"You don't get it," said Kankurou soothingly, "you're supposed to comment on the comment."

"I still have no comment. Release me or I will exterminate you," said Sasori, expressionless.

"NO!" pouted Kankurou.

"I have no intention of staying here and being ridiculed by children like yourself. I care nothing for 'fans'. They are non-existent."

"PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ron deLite jumped out of an innocent looking Nintendo DS that belonged to the strange child who cared and shoved Sasori out of the door.

"Um…" began Temari, on the verge of hyperventilating.

"The end," said the disembodied voice.

Chouji and his chips had vanished.

So Temari and Kankurou walked out of the Room of Requirement.

**Ok. Now we're really going on a really really long hiatus. I'm sorry, but I'm taking a major exam this year so I might not have much time or good humour left in me to write a funny fic at the time being. I thank you all for being so supportive of us and we hope you'll continue to read this fic when we eventually stage a comeback in the later months. Thank you kindly. We're gonna miss ya. Oh and check out if you don't get the Phoenix Wright jokes. I'm sure most people know about Harry Potter and Spongebob so we won't bother giving you a link. Not that we have any.**


	16. The Secret Admirer

**A/N: Hey hey hey. We're back! And we're so sorry for that long hiatus. As a foreword: Kudos to all those people we've taken jokes from, mostly from the Naruto Abridged crew. You should really watch it. It's awesome! We've been real busy with school. I haven't got much to say, just that I really miss all this crap. Yeah. Hope you like the sixteenth installment of ELG! Love you guys!**

Chapter 16—The Secret Admirer

"OH MY GOD!" a scream pierced the semi-night air. By semi-night air we mean afternoon. But whatever, we don't care.

The scream seemed to have emanated from a certain puppeteer's room. The concerned female sibling of puppeteer immediately rushed to the scene, her paranoia levels ricocheting out of control.

"Kankurou! What in the hell is wrong with you? Can't you see that it's semi-night? People are trying to not sleep!" she scolded, albeit unreasonably.

The young puppeteer was sobbing into his hands.

OK, we shall return to our normal style of writing because the first four paragraphs just plain suck. Yeah. Haven't done this for a while so…yeah.

"Oh Temari, the most terrible thing has happened," wept Kankurou.

"What?" snapped Temari, rolling her eyes.

"I have…a secret admirer."

"WHAT!" Temari's eyes widened, "but…but how is it…Kankurou…I—I don't…what…understand—not possible…this…can't…"

Kankurou lovingly guided his female sibling to the bed where she sat, stuttering incoherently.

Then she promptly fainted, because Temari does that when she's being overly paranoid.

Then she woke up like two seconds later and was like, "OMG Kankurou how in the hell did you get a secret admirer?'

"Maybe this will help," Kankurou sniffed, handing Temari a slip of perfumed, heart-print paper. There was some kind of letter written on it in elegant, flowing script. Temari noticed that the 'i's were dotted with little heart shapes.

_Dear Kankurou_

_I love you very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very much. _

_Love _

_Your Secret Admirer_

Temari's eyes twitched. (This letter shown here is the abridged version. The original consisted of seventeen pages of 'very's so yeah…)

"How come I noticed that the 'i's were dotted with hearts when there are absolutely no small letter 'i's in this letter?"

"Yeah. Freaky isn't it?" agreed Kankurou.

None of them seemed to notice the sheer stupidity of the letter.

They then decided to ponder the writer of the letter.

"They must be attracted to my state of mild-overweightedness," said Kankurou, scratching his non-hairy chin.

"And they must like babies who wear cat suits," commented Temari.

"True, true," agreed Kankurou. Temari slapped her forehead (haha, haven't done that in a while. A long while.)

Then Kankurou's eyes brightened and he whirled around to face his cynical sister who was apparently deep in thought.

"You've always been putting me down that I would never find love! But alas for you Temari, I have!"

"OK…but why were you crying about it?"

"Because I have an inexplicable fear of commitment. The person used 'love' but I felt I wasn't ready then…"

"Then? It was five minutes ago."

"But I am now! I am ready to embrace wholeheartedly the notion of acceptance and commitment as well as fatherhood and—" Kankurou babbled excitedly.

Temari looked Kankurou up and down. His cat suit was still being held up by safety pins and he was still on diapers and he had no bodily hair on him whatsoever. And he seemed to adore flowers and kitties.

"Fatherhood?" she said faintly and fainted. Nice.

Half a second later, she awoke and saw her brother poring over a book and yelling into a phone.

"What are you doing?" she asked fearfully. He covered the mouthpiece and snapped irritably at her, "Making wedding preparations and planning the baby shower! What does it look like I'm doing?"

He glowered at her.

Temari opened her mouth, took seven deep breaths and ran out of the room as fast as she could, chanting, "Whymustibecursedwithsucharetardedbrother Whymustibecursedwithsucharetardedbrother Whymustibecursedwithsucharetardedbrother Whymustibecursedwithsucharetardedbrother Whymustibecursedwithsucharetardedbrother Whymustibecursedwithsucharetardedbrother Whymustibecursedwithsucharetardedbrother Whymustibecursedwithsucharetardedbrother Whymustibecursedwithsucharetardedbrother Whymustibecursedwithsucharetardedbrother…" and so on and so forth.

Meanwhile Kankurou, whilst waiting for the person from the Suna Registrar of Marriages to process his marriage application and Suna Babies and Showers Private Limited to assemble his baby shower and mail him the two hundred and seventy two showerheads that he was going to give out as party favours, decided to ask around for romantic advice, even though he didn't feel like he needed it.

I mean, he's been so lucky in love and he's handled everything at an ACCEPTABLE pace and PERFECTLY.

But there was the problem about the secret identity of his secret admirer. He needed to find out who she was.

So he would ask around. He decided on Jiraiya. Yes, he would _definitely _be a wonderfully good start.

Conveniently, Jiraiya happened to be strolling the sandy streets of Suna and Kankurou just happened to bump into him.

"Hey boy," rumbled Jiraiya, looking around shiftily, "where's your sister?"

"Temari?"

"No the other one, the red haired babe I went on a date with the other day."

"GAARA? BUT GAARA'S MY _BROTHER_."

"No she was called Garetta I think," said Jiraiya thoughtfully.

Kankurou breathed in deeply, "Uh ok…and…?"

"I was wondering if you could get me a date with her again…"

"NO! I mean yes, but you have to help me…" Kankurou said, suddenly rammed in the head by a stroke of brilliance.

"REALLY?" Jiraiya's eyes popped out. Then he put them back in. Ew.

"Yeah, but you have to help me."

"Do what?" yawned Jiraiya.

"I have a secret admirer and I don't know who she is. We're getting married next week and we've got this baby shower going on the week after that but I don't know her name or what she looks like."

Jiraiya was a little creeped out by this, "OK…you've come to the right person. They don't call me the—the—wait what did they call me again? Oh yeah, they called me Jiraiya."

"I need you to help me find out her name."

"Her name is Mary, now will you score me that date?"

"What? How did you know?"

"You don't have to know. That's just her name. Ok, I'll give you a discount. I'll even give you her last name. It's Smith. So yeah, now can we talk Garetta?"

"Weren't you hospitalized after the date with my br—I mean sibling?"

"Yeah but I like da feisty ones!" squealed Jiraiya.

"Wait—Mary Smith? What kind of name is that anyway? This is _Naruto_, no one's named 'Mary Smith' in _Naruto_!" cried Lil' Kanky indignantly, as if _he _knew.

"Like you'd know you little brat," said Jiraiya spitefully.

"At least tell me what she looks like," begged Kankurou.

"She's right there," said Jiraiya, pointing to a woman with a body of epic proportions.

"Oh wait that's Mrs Mary Smith. Oh yeah I forgot there _was _someone named Mary Smith. But she's not my secret my admirer because she happens to be _married _to Mr John Smith," explained Kankurou.

But Jiraiya had scooted.

"Ohh…" Kankurou was down in the dumps. Now he would never find his true love.

Then he realized he could ask Baki! Baki was his manly confidante, and the person he had spent many hours using _EasyPeel! _with. So Lil' Kanky ran all the way down the sandy streets of Suna till he got to his house and he realized he could have ripped a hole in the time-space continuum and be transported to the bathroom instead of running all the way.

So he ran back to town and did exactly that. So he came to be in the bathroom of his house.

"BAKI!" he called, "OH BAKI!"

No one responded. No one seemed to be at home. Then he ran to Baki's room (yes he lives with them. Remember, Baki doesn't leave minors by themselves).

Kankurou flung open the door, flagrantly disrespecting his privacy and saw his sensei holding hands with Kakashi.

"It's not what you think," said Kakashi, in panic, "I tried to punch him but he caught my fist and he happened to be doing an art project so his hand was covered in super glue and our hands are now stuck together and—"

"Save it for the wedding!" squealed Kankurou, "oh the holy matrimony," he further sighed dreamily.

"OMFG!" yelled Kakashi, "I came here to fight this assh—I mean idiot, not to become romantically implicated…I'm not gay by the way so fangirls if you pair me with Iruka one more time I am going to—"

"Bare your chest?" Baki said helpfully, but just as Kakashi was about to _gently_ correct him, Baki's hand came loose and smacked Kakashi across the face so hard that he fainted and the sentence was left as that and all the fangirls went on a yaoi Kakashi X Iruka fan fiction writing frenzy in the hopes that they might catch a glimpse of Kakashi's 19328459202937827498279178 packs. Yeah, he's THAT hot.

They shoved Kakashi under the bed and Baki and Kankurou continued their conversation, even though there never was one.

"Baki I need romantic advice."

"What?" Baki did a spit take even though he didn't have any liquid in his mouth, besides his spit. Ew.

"I have a secret admirer and I don't know who she is. Can you tell me who she is?'

"No," said Baki.

"Really?"

"Yes. But you can do a Google search."

"Oh ok."

Then Kankurou went out of the room, feeling much more enlightened than ever before.

"Now I'm seven hundred and ninety eight per cent closer to knowing the secret identity of my secret admirer because of Baki! He rocks!" announced Kankurou cheerfully.

Then he ran to Gaara's computer because for some reason he didn't want to use his own (duh).

"Ok," Kankurou stuck his tongue out, "let's see….com…"

Next, he entered the following words into the search box: Who is my secret admirer?

"Oh my god! 495,000 results! I didn't know I have 495, 000 secret admirers! I'm _flattered_!"

With that, Kankurou began to cry with gusto and emotion because he was so moved by the sheer amount of people that admired, respected and loved him. He was also crying because he feared that the other 494, 999 people would be heart broken if he did not choose them.

So he decided to dial his only and closest confidante.

He picked up the phone book and flipped through it happily.

Then he decided to call Rock Lee since he was at the 'R' page anyway.

Here's a transcript of their conversation:

RL: Hello? Is this Tiffany? Tiffany! You called back! Oh my god Tiffany, don't leave me, I'm sorry!

K: No I am not Tiffany! I'm Kankurou.

RL: Who's Kankurou? I think you've got the wrong number. Don't call here again. Let me direct your call to someone else.

K: What?! Wait!

—Beep— (so much for closest and only confidante)

Neji: Hello who is this?

K: It's—

N: Oh god, Tiffany! How many times do I have to tell you to stop stalking me! I mean if you want to stalk people, stalk _Lee_!

K: I AM NOT TIFFANY!

Tenten (in the background): Who is this Tiffany person? (slaps Neji across the face)

N: What? You crazy woman! I'm not involved with Tiffany, or you for that matter!

(Some squabbling noises and Nejums finally returns to the phone.)

N: Who is this?!

K: It's Kankurou.

N: Oh…_you…_

K: I'm here for some romantic advice.

N: Pregnant pause.

K: OMG Neji, are you _pregnant_?!

N: What? No! The writers just forgot to put the brackets in.

T (in the background): _NEJI'S PREGNANT?!_

RL (in the background): WE MUST REJOICE!

N: You crazy people! I am NOT pregnant.

K: Since you're so successful in your relationships, you must impart some of your trademark secrets to me!

N: What are you going on about?!

K: You see, I have a secret admirer and—

N (tersely): You want Guy-sensei for that kind of thing.

—Beep—

Might Guy: _Yello_?

K: I need romantic advice!

MG: Well you've come to the right place Tiffany! I'm a.k.a Dr _Luuurrrve_!

K: Yay!

MG: Ok Tiffany, what seems to be the problem?

K: Firstly, people keep thinking my name is Tiffany when it's Kankurou, or Lil' Kanky for short and secondly I have a secret admirer and I want to know who she is.

MG: I'll be right over, Tiffany a.k.a Kankurou a.k.a Lil' Kanky,

There was a loud crack and Might Guy Apparated beside him.

"That was fast," commented Kankurou, but he was rudely IGNORED.

"Ok give me a detailed description of your problem Kankurou or was it Tiffany?" Guy did the _bling _thing. Gawd.

"I—"

"I suggest you should go out with our Lee because he's nuts over you Tiffany."

"I AM NOT TIFFANY."

"Oh ok. Then I can't help you."

Guy proceeded to walk out the door.

"No no no no! Don't LEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAVEEEEE!!!" wailed Kankurou. He leapt onto Guy and pinned him to the ground.

Our puppeteer in the cat suit promptly started to foam at the mouth, scaring Guy immensely.

"Ok, ok, I'll help you!"

"Yayz!"

"Ok uh chicks dig daredevils so you need to do something EXTREME!" Guy proceeded to play the guitar. Badly.

"Like?"

"Uh you have to go on a perilous journey on some EXTREME wheels. And then she'll come running to you!" Guy cried. _Bling._

"My eyes! My eyes!" squealed Kankurou.

Aha! The comeback of the floating camera!

The camera transitions to the outside of the Suna residence. There's this biker dude in leather and his bike is one mean Harley Davidson. The exhaust fumes spew continuously from the exhaust pipe and the best part: _He didn't put on a SILENCER_.

Oh and a bunch of other biker clichés. Yup.

Could this be _Kankurou_?

The camera transitions to the back of this bike and alas, we see Kankurou on a pink, girly tricycle, WITH TRAINING WHEELS. How cool is that? It's a chick magnet.

Kankurou then puts on his matching pink Barbie helmet and knee and elbow pads, I mean so he doesn't get hurt. That would be horrible!

"I'm going to take a ride. _Around the block._" Kankurou says in a cool guy tone.

Guy slaps his forehead as Kankurou happily rides around, humming _Mary Had A Little Lamb._

"The bike has to be _green_!" he exclaims, "other than that you're doing wonderfully!"

A random artist, upon seeing Kankurou, gets struck by something we call inspiration, otherwise known as a flowerpot.

He proceeds to draw a poster with the heading: "Kankurou's EXTREME Road Trip" emblazoned across. There's a picture of Kankurou doing a dramatic jump over a small road bump on his dainty and pink tricycle.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OH GOD IS THAT A KITTY?!"

"Yes it is Kankurou," says a booming voice from above, "yes it is."

"Abbott and Costello?"

"Oh god!" BANG.

After the short concussion, Kankurou was back on track!

"Ok since that didn't work out," said Guy, scratching his chin, "we need a different approach."

"O-K!"

"Hey you kinda sound like Naruto now! Don't scare me like that!" gasped Guy, horrified.

"Yechh," Kankurou shuddered.

"Alright. The second approach is by showing random displays of toughness every five seconds! She'll come running into your arms!"

"Like this? HIYA!"

"Excellent!" said Guy, dabbing tears from his eyes.

So Kankurou walked up to Baki and was like, all casually, "Hey Baki—HOOYA—um like what's the—HIYA—mission about this time? Is it going to be—HWAAA—tough and stuff—OOHYA—I mean will it take long? And—WHAPA—who's going with—WHAKA—me?"

Baki stares, horrified. "Don't ever do that again or I'll tell your parents! It's a bad word!"

"A _bad word_?

Kankurou ran off, screaming.

"Phew," said Baki, "glad I got rid of _him_."

Kankurou was crying by the time he reached Guy.

"I don't wanna act tough anymore! I don't wanna! I don't wanna!" he squalled. Guy stuffed his fingers into his ears. I mean that's just plain annoying right?

"Ok ok! STOP CRYING."

Kankurou sniffled like a small child.

"Tell me what's wrong," said Guy, rather patiently.

"Baki said that acting tough is a bad word," sniffed Kankurou.

"That doesn't even make sense!" Guy raised one very thick eyebrow.

"But I don't want to do it anyway. Or he'll tell my parents and I'll get in trouble."

"No offence Kankurou, but aren't your parents…dead?"

"I'm an orphan? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Guy slapped his head fifty nine times. And then he passed out from the self-inflicted pain.

When he regained consciousness, Kankurou was raring to go.

"Can we get to the third approach now?"

"Uh ok?"

"Yayz!"

"Ok," began Guy, starting to get as pepped up as he usually is, "the third approach is one of the most potent and effective approaches in the history of history. It's even lost-of-the-ancients level and you'll never find a better approach anywhere."

Kankurou's eyes widened and they sparkled with hope.

"Play hard to get," Guy said impressively.

"OK!"

So Kankurou played hard to get. But that's all we have about that.

Then Guy mysteriously disappeared and Neji walked in.

"Nejums?" said Kankurou hopefully. After all, he might be the secret admirer.

"It's _Neji_," hissed Nejums.

"Ok whatever. Are you my secret admirer?"

"Yes," he said, but with a completely straight face.

Kankurou was overjoyed and was about to give him a giant smooch but Neji went on hurriedly, "It was a practical joke."

Then he walked out hurriedly.

Kankurou was like, "What just happened?"

Then the baby shower delivery guy came and was like, "Ok we're good to go."

Then Kankurou was like, "The baby shower's not due for another six months you imbecile!"

The guy gasped and fainted.

**I thought this chapter was pretty random and stupid. I'm playing MapleStory by the way and anticipating my copy of the Sims 3 so I might not update as often as I used to. Plus I've got loads of homework. PLUS I've got my national exams coming up and as you can see, my schedule is jam-packed. OK hope you loved this and I hope we haven't lost our touch (do tell us if we have XD).**


	17. Of Bakis And White Fangs

Chapter 17: Of Bakis and White Fangs

**A/N: Ok this chapter has to be described as: **_**crazy-random, veering completely from the very definition of nonsense…into the great beyond.**_** Yes. It's that bad. We were on a roll when we wrote this. We were looking at this DeviantArt picture about how evil Kakashi was and it inspired us to write this. I mean I love the guy and all, but still he strikes me as a pretty ruthless character for some reason. Sorry I can't let go of crack pairings. First was Neji X Kankurou. Now Baki X Kakashi. Enjoy! Oh and sorry about our hiatus. Thanks for sticking with us though :) **

Baki rolled over and cuddled up to the person beside him. "G'night honey…" he murmured incoherently.

When he realized that his hand was placed was placed on hardened six packs instead of…you know, he woke up with a start. He looked down and noticed that he was looking at none other than his significant other—Kakashi Hatake.

"OH MY !" his screams rang out.

This promptly woke Kakashi who jolted from his Icha Icha dreams. Kakashi noticed he was bare-chested, as was Baki. (Fangirls please!) His mask was off, but unfortunately his back was facing the camera.

"Baki? What the crap are you doing in my bed?"

"Correction Hatake, it's _my _bed. This is Suna."

"Then…what am I doing in Suna?"

Outside their door, Kankurou giggled maniacally. "Heard that Temari? This will do nicely of a nice scandalous episode of _Everybody Loves Gaara_!"

"I have to hand it to you Kankurou, you've really outdone yourself this time—" Temari shook his hand. She must really like Baki X Kakashi.

"Why thank you dear sis—"

Baki slammed open the door effectively smashing Kankurou in the face. Temari just managed to dodge. Thankfully, he was fully clothed. I mean it's Kakashi's chest we want to see.

His face was all scrunched up and he looked like he was going to burst into tears anytime.

"It's all your fault Hatake! You got me into this!"

"What?" Kakashi strolled out, BARE CHESTED. Temari nearly faints from the hotness. Distant screaming is heard.

"Because of you, I'm—I'm PREGNANT!"

Temari gasped and promptly faints. Kankurou is revived, albeit with a bloody nose.

"OMG congratulations Baki!" and he ran to hug Baki around the middle.

"Whose a good baby—YOU'RE a good baby," Kankurou proceeds to talk to the developing embryo, even though it's probably not even at stage one of its zygotic development.

"Thanks Kankurou, but what I really want to hear is the response of its COMPLETELY inconsiderate and irresponsible FATHER!"

"Pfft, how in the _Naruto _world could you get _pregnant _Baki?" demanded Kakashi, apparently losing some of his cool. For some reason. Is that a guilty conscience we sense? Oh dear.

"And besides, does this mean _you're _its _mother_? You gender bending sociopath!" sneered Kakashi. OMG!! Kakashi is actually this mean?! That's horrible. It's not nice to throw hypocritical remarks around Mr KakaIru/KakaYama Hatake!

"Oh my…" Temari looked rather dizzy.

Kankurou seemed to be overjoyed. "You should marry him Kakashi! Only then will you be able to provide a wholesome and complete family for this child! I'll support you to the end."

"Why do I get the feeling this is turning into a bad fan fiction?" asked Kakashi, feeling his forehead, "you know what? I'm outta here."

And the man just walked out. On Baki! (I would like to remind you that he STILL isn't wearing a shirt. And as he strode out in a manner so manly I am swooning as I write about it, he was mugged by a horde of fangirls of his trousers. Serves him right!)

Baki collapsed and sobbed into his hands. "I'm going to spend my life as a single mother. Kankurou, Temari…you'll help me with this kid won't you? And tell Gaara for me…I'd like him to know."

"No," said Temari, and she walked off.

Kankurou and Baki could only watch as the only female in the house stalked off.

"Aw Baki we don't need that…that…_traitor_!" comforted Kankurou, "I'll be this child's godfather. Like in _The Godfather_."

Baki gasped. "You didn't really watch that movie did you Kankurou?"

"No…it was too scary for me."

"Oh and golly…that was awfully nice Kankurou. My child is so lucky. And don't call your sister names. She just needs some time to accept this," Baki patted Kankurou on the shoulder.

"WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING IN MY HOUSE?"

It was the screech of an old woman. At once a Chiyo lookalike trundled down the stairs. Yes, _trundled_. Her feet had been amputated and replaced with wheels to save on the cost of a wheelchair.

Her hair was in curlers and had probably seen a bad dye job. Or two. Or twenty three. She was brandishing her walking (or should I say _wheeling_) stick as all clichéd ladies of old do.

"Your house?! Ma'am, this is clearly ours—"

The old lady whacked Baki upside the head with her stick, "Shut it sonny!"

"You should manhandle a pregnant...person like that!' Kankurou shook his fist protectively. What the crap.

The old lady whacked Kankurou upside the head. "This is all your fault Baki! You caused me to momentarily experience pain!" bawled Kankurou. And then he stopped, because everyone was giving him weird looks.

"Who are you anyway?" asked Baki, rubbing his bone china pate. I mean Baki doesn't have hair (no more _EasyPeel!_ jokes please). _Or does he?_

"Me? I'm Kakashi's mother! Speaking of Kakashi, where is that hideous spawn of mine!"

"You know, Kakashi really is quite attractive—" Baki scratched his cheek, and the woman decided to crack his bone china pate this time.

"Ma?" said a voice in the hallway (it was Kakashi, in case you don't know).

"Ma!!! I thought you died when I was three!" with that, Kakashi flung himself across the room and hugged his mother.

But little did Kakashi know Mrs Hatake was actually a black belt in kendo (even though there's no black belt in kendo) so she judo threw him back across the hallway on her oiled, wooden wheels. But judo throwing is taekwondo, isn't it?

"Of course you thought that! You haven't called me in sixty two years you ungrateful little prick!" she screamed.

"Isn't Kakashi like…twenty-nine?" Kankurou queried.

"TWENTY-NINE?!" Mrs Hatake threw a vase at Kakashi. It shattered on his luscious silvery tresses, thankfully not harming him. (Note that the vase is the one Kankurou breaks constantly and the one Temari has to constantly clean up…or else)

"That boy is sixty five years old!"

"But…ma'am, you look little more than sixty," said Baki, trying to please his future mother-in-law. You have no idea how wrong that sounds.

"Don't flatter me sonny! I'm ninety two—wait—of course I'm sixty!" she said hurriedly.

"Huh?" said Kankurou. He wasn't listening for he was staring at the shattered remains of the vase and apparently, they conjured up some memories. Of Temari's cries of agony.

"Good boy," said Mrs Hatake, and she promptly threw him a treat, which he savoured in delight.

"THE WHITE FANG OF KONOHA IS HERE! READY TO PROTECT ALL YOU INNOCENT CIVILIANS AT THE FIRST SIGHT OF THE 'WHITE FANG SIGNAL'!"

It was the crazed screams of an equally aged man. And Sakumo Hatake leaped out of no where.

"Dad!" said Kakashi, practically crying tears of joy, "so you _didn't _commit suicide because some people gossiped about you?"

"_They did?_"

"Um…yeah."

"Oh really? I thought they were talking about fixing the 'WHITE FANG SIGNAL' projector. It's been rather faulty these days."

"This…is the happiest day of my life!" Kakashi sniffled, "reunited! At last! With my family!"

"Um Mr Hatake. The 'White Fang Signal' projector isn't faulty…it's just that…no one needs your help anymore. We're kind of…ninjas. We can save our own butts," said Kankurou, making sure to break the cold, hard truth as gently as possible.

"W-wha—?" Sakumo was on the verge of tears, "I gonna commit suicide this instant!"

Then he ran to the front door (on the ground floor…wait all front doors are aren't they?) and threw himself off the doorstep. He fell face flat on the ground.

"That's it! The END of the WHITE FANG'S legacy! I'm DEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAD!!!! Oh and gone," screamed Sakumo, rolling on the floor, the dirt mixing with his tears.

"I have absolutely no idea why I married him," said Mrs Hatake, shaking her head.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!" wailed Kakashi, not unlike his father. He fell to the ground and started rolling about like a baby. All fangirls gape. Not rape.

"What's going on in here?" Gaara walked in.

*

"And that's exactly what happened to the White Fang of Konoha!" said Jiraiya, slamming shut the picture book and effectively squashing Kankurou, Temari, Gaara, Baki, Mr and Mrs Hatake and Kakashi since they were in the house at that time.

"Kankurou has a point…" began little Minato, "isn't Mister Kakashi twenty nine?"

"Of course not Minato! Can't you see his snow white hair fangirls like to describe as _silver_? It's all a façade I tell you," Jiraiya brushed off his question…rather sensibly.

"Like you Jiraiya-sensei?' asked Minato's unnamed teammate that we have absolutely no background info on.

"Not really. He's WAAAAAAAAAAAAY older than me. And besides, my hair is _naturally _white. It was this way even when I was like three months old."

"How long ago was this?" asked Unnamed Teammate Number Two.

"Twenty minutes ago," Jiraiya grinned.

**A little shout out to the **_**Ace Attorney **_**and the **_**Anime! The Abridged Series**_** peeps. We love references such as these. I'm sorry if this chapter makes absolutely no sense at all, but that's just how ELG is supposed to be. Be sure to review and tell us IF YOU WANT MORE! Later homies XD**


	18. Movie Making No Jutsu

Chapter 18: Movie-Making No Jutsu

**A/N: First off we would like to thank all those wonderful kick-ass dudes and dudettes who reviewed in the last chapter! You know we love you guys! Haha. Ok secondly, I would like to thank anotamous for his/her extremely honest review. It was rather painful, so to speak, to have one critical review like that. But it was really what shook us, and kept us back on track. I promise, the preceding chapters will have everything to do with the fan fiction. Including this one of course! Thus, with all our heart, we hope you'll enjoy this chapter of ELG!**

"It's been long enough Temari!" cried Kankurou suddenly, in his sleep. Unfortunately, no one noticed him. "We need to do this!" (No! It's not Sandcest you sick little fangirls)

"MAKE AN ELG MOOOOOOVIEEEEEEEE!!!!"

Temari jolted from her sweet dreams of a handsome (and also rather adorable) brown haired twenty six year old who used wood jutsu in his battles. (Yes, I have acquired a fetish for him! Hee hee.) Oh and he also had a face plate which made him look even cuter.

"Make an ELG movie? That's not a bad idea! Especially after we aired the _Of Bakis And White Fangs _episode in the studio cum auditorium, our repertoire value has declined significantly. We need a revival! Whoever screamed that is a genius!" Temari said this, of course, without realizing who had screamed that.

"Kankurou! Kankurou!"

"Temari! Temari!"

The siblings smashed into each other and fell down.

"LET'S MAKE A _EVERYBODY LOVES GAARA _MOVIE!"

"_What_ did you two just say?" demanded Gaara. His eyes were slits. Again.

"Make an _Everybody Loves Mama _movie of course!" said Kankurou hurriedly.

"Pfft Gaara, you and your suspicions! It's not like we're trying to ruin your life with some reality comedy series movie! Of course not—that would be against all morals!" Kankurou added.

"That had better be the case," said Gaara ominously. Then he looked down at himself and realized that he was already fifteen, making the fic officially take place in the _Shippuden _era!

"Hmm. It seems that we're in Shippuden. I need to be nicer to you guys or it'd be OOC. See you around then. I'll be looking forward to the…movie." and Gaara gave them a little smile and walked off.

Kankurou and Temari's jaws dropped. And they hugged each other, shaking in their skins.

"I have…a feeling…he's on…to us…" stammered Temari.

"He smiled! Omigosh!' shrieked Kankurou.

Then the both of them looked down at themselves and realized that they had magically aged about three years in the short span of four minutes.

"On the other hand, this freakiness might be a good thing, since Kankurou would probably have acquired more testosterone and started acting more like a man!"

OMG a POSITIVE Temari? Where is the world coming to? Unfortunately, she was wrong, and Kankurou is still the fat sissy of yesteryear, as evidenced by the fact that he is currently having a binge fest with his…dollies.

"Kankurou!"

"You rang?" he said smoothly…NOT.

"_Yes_," Temari said prissily (Whoa…déjà vu).

"OK what do you want?"

"We need to think of the script, and what sort of actors we need," said Temari, scratching her chin (isn't this a Kankurou-only activity? GASP).

"I can get the script done in five minutes," said Kankurou, pushing on some reading glasses and ticking off a checklist.

"WHAT?"

"Yes. I mean it. Five minutes. I can tell you exactly what we need now. In fact, I suggest we have all our actors from Konoha, since they have more main character ninja there that the viewers can identify with. Let us call for auditions."

"Ok…" Temari said, fully needing to take a breather after seeing Kankurou's show of newfound intelligence. Perhaps the maturity is setting in.

"Too late. I have already called for them. The Konoha ninja should be arriving any second now—"

The doorbell rang and a murmur of voices could be heard from behind the door.

"They're here. Well don't be daft Temari, go ready the props and," Kankurou added disdainfully, "yourself. You look a mess. I shall get the door."

And he went off, leaving Temari bewildered in his wake.

'Temari! Why are all these people here! I'm scared of them!"

Temari hurried to the door, finding Kankurou a pathetic pant-messing heap on the ground.

"Kankurou?! Why are you stupid again?? What happened to smart Kankurou?" Temari fretted.

"Um, like we're here for the auditions," said Sasuke prissily, "I have like a pedicure appointment at five and then I need to do my hair and nails. Perfection isn't easy to maintain you know."

"Just…get in," Temari sighed.

Then she saw him. The handsome, brown-haired twenty six year old of her dreams. With a face plate. She yanked him to the side.

"Hi there…" she said, practically melting into a puddle, "what's your name?"

"Uh…Yamato?"

"Ahh…you're pretty cute…hee…hee…"

"Does that mean I have an elevated chance of getting a part? My mom always wanted me to do something useful besides growing trees," he asked, then he thought about it and added, "oh wait I never knew my mom."

"Aww…you're…so…very very…cute…"

"Can I…go now?"

"Oh sure! _Sure_!" Temari snapped out of it. Just then, Kakashi walked past them. Temari didn't even bat an eyelid. I guess she's gotten over her Kakashi-fetish after the whole Baki thing. Strangely enough, they _weren't _at each other's heads today.

They merely exchanged manly handshakes and manly hugs. Yes the kind guys give to their best dudes and then tackle hug them.

"Welcome to the _Everybody Loves Gaara The Movie: You Gotta Love 'Im _auditions! Today, we will—" (OMFG?! SMART Kankurou?)

"O-M-F-G!!!" screeched Temari. She had somehow latched herself to the ceiling and was shaking in fright. This was because three pairs of Akatsuki members were presently in the room, namely Deidera and Sasori, Hidan and Kakuzu and Itachi and Kisame. It really _was _rather scary.

"Ignore her please," Kankurou shook his head as though he was looking at an extremely tasteless item.

"Are you ok…miss?" asked Yamato, looking up at her with 'em big 'ol eyes.

"Yes—I mean NO! NO I'm not OK!" with that Temari lunged at him. Yamato caught her in his arms.

Temari grinned.

And then he dropped her. "You're heavier than expected," he said thoughtlessly. But in a manner so cute, we fangirls can't help but swoon. As did Temari.

Kankurou grimaced.

"As I was _saying _we are holding auditions for a movie. Today, my sister Temari and I will be judging you people as you try out for the various roles of the main characters. Please look at the flyers that have been sent to you prior to the audition date."

Everyone took out similar yellow flyers from their similar backpacks.

"How did you do this?! I thought we just got the idea today??" demanded Temari.

Kankurou ignored her.

"The main roles are Gaara, Kankurou,Temari and Baki. The side characters are Naruto, Sai, Sasuke, Sakura, Yamato and Kakashi. The main antagonists are Sasori and Deidera."

"That's us!" Deidera said happily. Sasori threw a Pinocchio figurine at him.

"However, there is a catch. None of the cast can be Suna ninja. Also, non Suna-nin roles cannot be played by themselves. For example, the role of Deidera cannot be played by Deidera. However, he is free to try out all the other roles," explained Kankurou. Everyone nodded in unison and understanding.

"Why did I even come to this gig," grumbled Sasori. He made to go out, because he assumed he couldn't have a role to play seeing that he's an ex-Suna ninja and all, but Kankurou caught him by the shoulder.

"My friend, you will stay and judge the participants," and he added with a warm smile which made Sasori start to tear, "we all need you."

"You have been raised well young puppeteer," Sasori sniffed, and the puppeteers wrapped themselves in a puppeteer embrace. It was so heartwarming, everyone in the room burst into tears, even all the stoic people like Shino and Neji. All except Temari who had died. And then she was revived. Not by Chiyo. But by Pein. GASP.

Just kidding.

Temari (rather weakened by the events that had preceded), Kankurou and Sasori took their seats behind a judging table with name plaques that indicated their names. Kankurou had a beret on. Temari was foaming at the mouth. Sasori was still tearing.

"Auditions commence!" announced Kankurou impressively.

**AHA! A cliffy. I know you guys hate that. But it had to be done. Or the chapter would have stretched on to tens of pages. This is only the first part of a ELG special, which is to say the movie special. Haha. Do tell us who you want to play which part and we'll have a look! We REALLY want to know! Thanks for reading lovelies. See ya! Real soon—we promise!**

**P.S Hope you caught that Pinocchio reference. Go CanadianJutsu and NSTAS!! You too Zeromaster, MidnightDevont and all you other people in that series. You guys ROCK!!**


	19. Auditions Of The Desert

Chapter 19 Auditions of the Desert

**A/N: Hey hey hey. We're back with the auditions for the Sand Sibs! What weird and wacked off idiots will try out for them? By the way, prepared for a LOT of VizMedia references. I recently bought the English **_**Naruto **_**box set and the translation SUCKED. You'll see why in a bit. If you're wondering why we changed the rating from 'K+' to 'T', it's because it's Shippuden now! Everyone's aged three and a half years (or was it two?) We don't have time for kiddy jokes! Haha. Just kidding. And a helluva SAKURA BASHING. Read at your own risk.**

**One more thing: SHAMELESS ADVERTISING NO JUTSU—read my fic **_**Flawed Design. **_**It's KakaOC! I promise it won't disappoint! XD**

"Hey," Ino suddenly said, because she had an epiphany.

"How come the main characters are all Team Seven people? I can understand how Gaara, Temari and Kankurou are the main characters, but why Sakura and Co.?"

Kankurou sighed, "Duh. They're like the centre of the Narutiverse. What do you expect? They get the roles by default. Not happy? Go cry to Masashi Kishimoto."

Ino bit her lip because surprisingly, she saw reason in that. "But the Americanised manga still sucks."

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Shikamaru.

Ino shrugged. And that is all we have for Team Eight action. And Chouji wasn't even in the shot!

"Let us start the auditions," Sasori said.

"Hey Sasori!" called Sakura, "how come you're still alive? Didn't Chiyo and I like kill you?"

"In ELG, reality is bent, bitch."

"No wonder I'm no longer the loveable and gorgeous kunoichi everyone once considered me to be!" Sakura realized.

"Um Sakura, you were never that. Even in the canon series," said Sasuke. OOH. The truth hurts. Brutal (more like broodle) eh?

"But, I have super strength now! And I have magical medical ninjutsu skills and I've saved Naruto's butt plenty of times!"

"Really? I don't remember. Oh wait there was this one time when I sent Kabuto flying and he smashed into you and knocked you out, effectively shielding everyone. But hey…you still didn't save me," Naruto said.

"I give up," Sakura's eye twitched.

"I _said _auditions begin," Sasori said irritably.

"Let's have whoever wants to be Gaara try out now. The rest of you can wait in the lounge. We have some good entertainment prepared," Sasori went on. Kankurou was stupid again, and Sasori shall remain the voice of reason for the rest of this chapter.

"Good entertainment?! Yeah right! This is VizMedia's _Naruto _adaptation! It _sucks_!" someone yelled from the lounge.

"Oops," Sasori said, apparently very satisfied.

"We have a lounge?" asked Kankurou.

Temari shrugged.

"Ok first one. Tell us your name."

"Sasuke Uchiha. Remember it."

"Aren't you supposed to be with Orochimaru?" Sasori raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. I'm doing this in my own time. I'm supposed to be getting my nails varnished right about now you know. So GET ON WITH IT."

"What a priss," Kankurou leaned into Temari. Temari had to agree with this new slightly-more-canon Kankurou.

"Fine…alright. Act like Gaara. Impersonate him. Make me _want _you to be Gaara," Sasori said, his voice overflowing with emotion.

"Wow, Sasori just got appointed and he's already a pro," commented presently non-cynical Temari.

"Thanks, I know," Sasori answered in a low voice. Temari got creeped out.

Sasuke just stood there. Everyone watched him expectantly, including all the other Gaara-wannabes. He stood there for precisely five minutes and fifty seven seconds. "There, I'm done."

Sasori seemed to be speechless. "Al-alright…next."

They went through a long list of names (we failed to mention them because they weren't really that brilliant) until they came to the next most promising one.

"The name's Naruto Uzumaki! And now that we're in Shippuden, I'm a lot closer to becoming Hokage! You better believe it!"

Sasori was pretty pissed off now. "You're lucky VizMedia didn't put that catchphrase of yours in or you would be dead now. _I mean it._"

_Death glare._

"What has VizMedia got to do with all this?" asked Naruto uneasily.

"It's because they suck. They're taking the very essence of _Naruto _and turning it into a giant Americanised farce! Screw them! They're like: Hi there! I'm Iruka, and I'm a _Journeyman _ninja, not a Chuunin, a _Journeyman_. And Kakashi goes around telling people he's an _elite ninja. _And they didn't make him specific enough. He could be an elite ninja prostitute for all we care! Suck sores right?" ranted Sasori.

"I wish…" Temari sighed dreamily. _Kakashi, an elite ninja prostitute…_yes, she's back in the funk. But she's still infatuated with Yamato by the way.

"OK…let's just get started." Naruto pulled out this Gaara suit, complete with a wig and a bottle of eyeliner. In just two seconds, he had gotten dressed and he looked exactly like Gaara, so much so that even Temari and Kankurou were amazed.

"Wow Kankurou…he really does look like Gaara."

"Dis cosplayer is da man!" Kankurou punched the air.

"Kankurou, stop trying out different characterizations. It isn't endearing at all. It's _annoying_."

"Sorry," Kankurou apologized.

"Hey everyone! I'm Gaara of the Funk…I mean Sabaku no Gaara! I'm the Kage Ranger—I mean the Kazekage around these parts! I have an overweight brother called Kankurou and he has some kind of cat and puppet fetish! I also have an overly paranoid and boy crazy sister named Temari who looks like a blond porcupine! Tell me, my life is screwed isn't it?"

"I also used to have a Shukaku inside me and boy did that suck eggs. It was like, I couldn't sleep at all and I had to pass the time playing bad Nintendo Wii games. At first I enjoyed the interactivity, but it got BORING! And then I turned to Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged and fell in love with littlekuriboh, Seto Kaiba and Joey Wheeler!"

"And don't forget my ex-sensei, Baki! He's bald as a coconut and is in dire need of skin toner! He also advertised for _EasyPeel! _and boy was he bad at it! Don't forget that I managed to have an NDE (near-death experience for those who don't know)! Not many people have that! And I most certainly don't have ADD! Believe it!"

"Ok that's it!" the Gaara _doppelganger _(VizMedia sucks!) said happily.

Sasori was tearing; Temari was having an NDE of her own; Kankurou was foaming at the mouth (NO HE'S BECOMING MORE MATURE!!)

"It's beautiful! You have this role all wrapped around your finger Uzumaki. You _manifest _talent!" Sasori sniffed, "I bestow you the role of Gaara in this production!"

"WOOOOOOOO!" Naruto went running out of the room into the lounge. In actuality, he had no idea what he had gotten himself into.

"Now for Kankurou! Those interested in auditioning for Kankurou please come in. The rest of you please leave."

Kankurou straightened, apparently very excited. Temari recovered from her NDE. She didn't want to miss this one. _Let's see which of these misguided slobs get to be Kankurou_, she thought furtively. _Let's see which of these kids get to be Kankurou, the misguided slob_, Kankurou thought furtively.

"Oh it's you Copy Ninja no Kakashi—I mean Kakashi Hatake," said Sasori, "so, what do you think of VizMedia calling you _Kakashi the Mirror Ninja_?"

"_They do?_" Kakashi said, actually caught off his guard this time. He clenched his fists. "They're dead. They're most certainly dead."

"OK any who, go on, act like Kankurou."

Kakashi bent into puppet master position and held out his hand and wiggled his fingers like he was manipulating chakra strings. Badly. He decided that it would be apt for him to say something so he did.

"Uh…fear me. I'm Kakashi, I mean Kankurou! The unstoppable uh puppet master! I'm pulling…er the strings! Yeah that's it!"

"Mentally disturbing much?" asked Temari, wondering what she had ever seen in him.

"You got that right, Temari," Kankurou was obviously disgusted, "scrap it Sassie-poo, I mean Sasori!" Kankurou hurriedly corrected his mistake the moment the death glare began to reveal itself.

"Aw come on guys. I'll even do some _fanservice_…" Kakashi wheedled.

"_Sold!_" Temari said, thinking of seeing Kakashi without a shirt on.

"No way. Not even that," said Kankurou, "that was a totally inaccurate portrayal of me! Go on! Go hide your shame somewhere no one cares Mr Hatake the Mirror Ninja!"

Ooh. He touched a nerve.

"Don't you _ever _call me that," Kakashi had his hand on his headband. He was ready for a fight. But thankfully, some of the camera crew dragged him off. Phew! The ELG crew just saved the day! We didn't have to write about some messy fight sequence involving Sharingans, shadow doppelgangers and blazes of glory oh and don't forget _The Crow_. You gotta hate American adaptations.

"Alright! Next!"

Two people stepped forth. Sasori sighed, "One at a time please."

"Oh…but I'm…so nervous. Kiba said…he'd do it…with me," Hinata cowered behind Kiba.

"Can't you get Shino to accompany you? _In the lounge_?"

"A-alright," she squeaked. Sasori you meanie! How could you scold Hinata like that! The fans won't take it very well, I assure you.

"OK Kiba, go on, show us what you've got."

Akamaru barked.

"Excellent. You get the role. And Akamaru gets to be one of Kankurou's puppets. Er…pick any one…_Next!_"

Kiba and Akamaru shrugged (yes Akamaru somehow managed to do this) and they went out. All the people in the line groaned. _They _wanted to be Kankurou.

"Now for Temari. People auditioning for Temari, step up. Those who aren't get out."

"Sasori, do you have to be that harsh? These people _are _auditioning for me you know…"

"Yes," was his succinct and definite reply.

"Sasuke, how come you audition for every role?" Kankurou called him out.

"Because I'm a very versatile actor."

"Sigh," said Temari.

The first few weren't very impressionable. This included all the girls who wanted to be the main female character. Sakura and Ino were like "Fear the wrath of my giant fan! Hyaaa!" and Hinata was like "Um…slice them…wind?"

But wait. Here comes someone remotely promising.

"It's Hidan. You _#$%?!&_ idiots."

"A pottymouth?" sneered Temari, "I don't think so."

"You don't believe I can act well? Well eat this you #$%?!&. Who do you think you are? Temari?"

"Yes," Temari narrowed her eyes. _Great, another genius. And isn't he like…a guy? Why is auditioning for me anyway? _

"Get on with it," snapped Sasori.

"I'm Temari and I fight with #$%?!& wind. Yet somehow my attacks are strangely overrated and only serve to intimidate people with #$%?!& little screentime like Tenten. #$%?!&#$%?!&#$%?!&#$%?!&#$%?!&#$%?!&. I'm #$%?!& scared of the Akatsuki because they're #$%?!& strong and I'm always to #$%?!&#$%?!&#$%?!&#$%?!& paranoid for my own good. I'm a #$%?!&#$%?!& bitch."

Temari was like: WT#$%?!&F?

"You know, you did a really accurate portrayal. If only you could make it a _little _more PG, you'd get the role. Start over."

"No #$%?!& way. Hidan will swear as #$%?!&#$%?!&#$%?!& much as he wants and you will #$%?!&#$%?!&#$%?!&#$%?!& like it. Even though he has no #$%?!&#$%?!&#$%?!& idea why he's talking in third person."

"Fine.At the expense of your role. Next."

It was Tenten.

"It is the Tenten of the Limited Screentime," giggled Kankurou.

"Shut it," Tenten hissed. Kankurou was silenced.

Tenten opened her mouth.

"Ok you get the role. Next!"

"What was that supposed to mean?!" Temari and Tenten said together.

"_NEXT!!_" hollered Sasori, even though he isn't supposed to do this. In the canon series anyway.

But of course, the auditions of the Konoha nin will be saved for later. To keep up with the suspense. Whoa. And one last thing: _CURSE YOU VIZMEDIA!!_

**Two words: LOL Hidan. Seriously, we couldn't put what he said in its original context. We'd get banned. Yes, VizMedia sucks. Any who, if you have any more suggestion about who to play who, you still have a chance! We have the roles of Naruto, Sakura, Sai, Kakashi, Yamato, Deidera and Sasori left! Vote now!**

**And Nightrain and Brownstone, sorry we couldn't cast Kakashi as Kankurou. We're thinking of casting him for someone else. Hey, give us some credit. We actually showed you his audition. But Tenten got the role of Temari! Hope you like it XD**


	20. Duck Butts And Movies

**A/N: WARNING—LITERAL SAKURA BASHING. DON'T LIKE, DON'T READ. LOL. Always wanted to do one of those. But seriously. It's true. Any who, I couldn't resist making my OC cameo in this. If you're interested and wish to truly enjoy the fic, read **_**Flawed Design**_**. It's in my profile and pleasepleaseplease review.**

Chapter 20: Duck Butts…And Movies!

* * *

"NEXT," hollered Sasori, even though it was mentioned in the last chapter. Just so you know, the auditions now are for _Naruto_.

"Oh good," said Kankurou, rubbing his hands together, "this should be fun." Temari rolled her eyes. Overall enthusiasm was low.

Many people auditioned (BELIEVE IT! I'M GONNA BE HOKAGE! You get the picture), leaving all three judges foaming at the mouth because of the Americanisation and the lameness of everything. Until _he _came.

Shino.

"My name is Naruto," he said, "and I have ADD."

Those words left Sasori, Kankurou AND (not and/or) Temari tearing. All three of them gathered in a group hug. Shino's acting skills were truly breathtaking.

"You got the role…" Kankurou sniffled, temporarily breaking off from the hug. And promptly joined it again, quite forgetting that Shino was his eternal rival.

After a potty break of precisely twelve minutes and seventeen seconds, the judges had regained their composure, and were ready to start auditioning! Yayz.

"Now those who want to audition for Sasuke STEP RIGHT UP," yelled Sasori. He seems to enjoy yelling.

Sasuke sauntered in. "Heyy gang, I wanna see who gets to play me!!"

"Uh," said Temari, rather disturbed, "sure."

To their surprise, everyone filed out of the room, into the waiting room with murmurs of "I don't want to play an emo bitch", "Sasuke who?", "He's so gay."

Only Chouji remained in the room, with his Port-A-BBQ. And he was currently roasting a few potatoes whilst chewing on beef jerky. And he probably didn't even know everyone had left.

"Well," said Sasuke expectantly, "where are the people?"

"Uh Chouji got the role!" said Temari. She looked around and found a black duck and placed it on Chouji's head.

"The resemblance is uncanny," commented Kankurou as he watched Chouji look up, blinking simultaneously with the duck seated on his head.

"I hear you," said Sasori.

"W-WHA-WHAAA?" shrieked Sasuke (yes, SHRIEKED).

And the poor child ran running out of the room, screaming, probably to go to his midday manicure cum pedicure.

"You know," said Kankurou suddenly, "I just realized that there's no role for Sasuke."

All the judges remained quiet.

Temari broke the silence

"OK OK, now it's time for—" Temari took a deep breath. "SIGH. Sakura's audition."

Sakura cheered from her place in the waiting area.

"Whoever wants to audition, although I can't imagine who might want to do so, be our guest," sighed Sasori, flipping through his papers. The judges were officially bored. I mean, it's SAKURA.

"Hey!" cried Sakura, still from her place in the waiting area, "that's not very nice!"

"Yeah whatever pinky," yawned Kankurou.

Surprisingly, a large number of ninjas auditioned for Sakura (including Gai for some reason). However, our judges were especially wowed by a certain Akatsuki who had five hearts and whose name rhymed with Jakazu.

Yes, you never would have guessed. Kakazu.

He even donned a pink wig just for the occasion. It was very pretty, much better than the original. Kakazu also prepared a Sakura costume that he sewed himself and he just looked freaking awesome.

He opened his mouth, "Sasuke—I...I love you with all my heart! If you were to stay here with me, there would be no regrets...because every day we'd do something fun, we'd be happy I swear! I would do anything for you! So…please just stay with me!"

The judges watched, open-mouthed. Kate Higgins/Chie Nakamura's (you pick) voice was coming out of Kakuzu's mouth.

"He-he-he's a better Sakura than SAKURA!" stammered Kankurou.

Sakura sneezed in the waiting area. She obviously hadn't heard him. She had her headphones on and was listening to a heavy metal rock band.

"You get the role. Definitely," Temari was hyperventilating.

Kakuzu removed the Sakura apparel and pulled his Akatsuki cloak back on. He nodded. "How much do I get paid?"

"Millions," said Sasori dreamily, never imagining a fellow Akatsuki could be so talented. Never imagining that the hologram with the sexy, emotionless voice could be this good…

"That sounds just about reasonable," said Kakuzu, watching Sasori drooling all over the table.

"Sasori, what are you doing? Do you realize that that table is Akatsuki property and that you brought it to this audition thing without prior permission?"

"No…" Sasori slid off the table and remained as a heap under it.

Kakazu sighed and left.

Kankurou heaved Sasori back up.

"You ok bud?" he asked Sasori, slapping him at the same time.

Sasori jerked awake and retaliated by slapping Kankurou. And the two puppeteers started slapping each other until Temari began to clear her throat. Spoilsport.

"A-HEM."

"What is it woman?" said Sasori as he slapped Kankurou.

"In case you haven't noticed, it's time for Sai's audition," said Kankurou, even though Temari was supposed to say it. Line-stealer! And he promptly slapped Sasori. This resulted in a catfight.

Everyone streamed into the room yelling "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

_Yes, _even people like Shino and Gaara.

Until Temari of the Wet Blankets pulled them apart with her multi-talented hands and whacked them upside the head with her over-sized fan.

The thirty-five year old puppeteer returned to his seat, putting his beret over his boo boo and sniffled quietly. The nineteen year old puppeteer was bawling his head off, his tears washing off the purple face paint and everyone covered their ears because it was horrible.

With a Herculean effort, Temari tossed the crying nineteen year old out of the window that happened to be beside her.

With no fight to egg on, everyone resigned themselves to their seat in the waiting lobby.

EGG-CEPT for a certain brown-haired, face-plated love expert who also happened to be twenty six years old.

"Wow that was pretty cool of you," he said, grinning, "tossing your brother out of the window like that."

"You think?" Temari tiptoed, practically floating with ecstasy.

"Yeah, totally. You're pretty strong. You're single right?" he said.

"YAH-US!" squealed Temari.

Just then, Shikamaru happened to walk in for a soda. And he overheard Temari and Yamato's conversation.

"Hey back off, she's _my_ stereotypical, clichéd love interest," said Shikamaru protectively, poking Yamato in the chest.

"Uh…yeeaaahh…I was just wondering if someone who's that homicidal could have a boyfriend."

"You think I'm _homicidal_?" Temari said, her eyes tearing up.

"Aren't you?" said Yamato quite thoughtlessly.

"But…how could someone so cute be…so…so…MEAN?! WAAAAHHH!!"

"That's it!" said Shikamaru and he socked Yamato in the kisser. Just then, Kankurou had jumped through the window and accidentally-on-purpose socked Yamato in the back of his very cute head.

Shikamaru and Kankurou then disposed of the offending item by throwing _him _out the convenient window.

Temari didn't even bat an eyelid.

"Yeah, thanks. But whatever."

Cool.

Shikamaru was like "What just happened?"

Kankurou was more "Shipoopi!"

There was a short break, where the ELG camera crew had to single-handedly get everything back into order, since Temari had become ignorant and refused to help.

After doing that, they returned to their humble and rightful places behind a camera.

Those unsung heroes! We wouldn't be anywhere without them!

"Sai's audition commence!" called Sasori professionally. He had gotten over his…infatuation. If that was what it could be called?

Sai happened to be sitting quietly outside, reading a copy of _How To Score With Hot Chicks_, oblivious to the fact that people were auditioning for a role based on HIM. Not to mention, there was a rather pretty blond kunoichi sitting beside him. Of course, you wouldn't know who she is. Unless you read _Flawed Design _that is.

And in this reality _Flawed Design _is a book in the bookshelves of the waiting room and the blond woman is a cameo!

The first guy was already a keeper!

Lee charged youthfully all the way before the judges, impressing them immensely. He pulled out a big and rather worn paintbrush, (you know, the kind you use to paint your house all DIY style) and began waving it around YOUTHFULLY.

"I AM SAI!" screamed Lee, jumping onto the table and brushing Kankurou's face with the paintbrush. Kankurou giggled. It was rather ticklish.

"I ENJOY ASKING PEOPLE ABOUT THE SIZE AND LENGTH OF THEIR *BEEP*!! EVEN THE WOMEN!"

"NINPO—CHOJUU GIGAAAA!!!" Lee hollered, some more. The judges were rather impressed with his lung capacity.

"Skilful," commented Kankurou.

"Disturbing," Temari foamed at the mouth.

"Cute," Sasori said calmly (he's a paedophile).

"You got the role," the judges chorused.

All the people in the line groaned. _They _wanted to be Sai. Especially Sasuke, who still hadn't gotten a role. Yes, he had returned from his manicure cum pedicure session.

"Wait—aren't you guys supposed to look at ALL the auditions before deciding?" asked Sakura. And for once, she had a point.

Unfortunately, no one bothered about her and her question went unanswered.

"Hm," said Sasori, checking his list.

"We still have Kakashi, Yamato, Deidera and Sasori left. But these auditions are getting too damn drawn out. We'll need to take a break."

"Oooh…" everybody moaned. The auditions were getting fun!

"Um…if it helps…NSTAS Eleven…has just been…released…" Hinata commented casually, twiddling her thumbs.

"OMFG!!" everyone yelled, and they all whipped out their laptops so that they could watch it.

"Not to mention Naruto Shippuden episode one forty four!" screamed Sakura, obviously trying to attract attention.

"It's a filler arc Sakura," said Naruto tiredly, "no one wants to watch that."

Sakura hung her head.

"But…Utakata is hot!" Sakura raised her head again to protest.

"Can't argue with that," Ino shrugged.

"Yeah," said Kiba. Akamaru barked his assent. Soon everybody in the room began nodding and agreeing that Utakata was one helluva a hottie.

Sakura smiled, happy that she had finally said something useful.

"Hey Sakura," someone called.

Sakura intelligently turned.

"Boot to the head."

And a laptop smashed her face in.

* * *

**Yeah, so there you go. Chapter 20. I didn't do my homework just to bring you this chapter -.- you guys had better review. OK so I'll try my best to finish up the auditions and bring you the Movie: Making Of. LOL. OK, I already have the idea for chappie 21 in my head so sit tight k? Thanks for sticking with me. (P.S It's 12.20am where I am now. Geez.) Brownie points to those who can guess the meaning behind the chapter title XD**


	21. I WANT MY MAFIA MOMMY

**A/N: Long overdue birthday present to Kawaii-no-Kitsune. Thanks for being my most faithful reviewer and friend (blah blah blah). I hope you're happy CT. I hope you're happy. And YUS I have returned from my prolonged hiatus. But I'm going back right after this. Heh. Ah what the heck. Just start reading and don't forget to review. And FINE: credits to Kawaii-no-Kitsune for the whole Sasuke's-hair-looks-like-a-duck-butt thing.**

Chapter 21: I WANT MY MAFIA MOMMY

* * *

"You know what," said Kankurou, reclining on the couch and yawning. Like a cat.

"What," said Temari, doing the same things as Kankurou. Only she didn't look like a cat. But what she looked like shall remain a mystery since we don't know either.

"I've stopped watching _Naruto_. And I've stopped reading the _Naruto _manga too," said Kankurou, sounding rather mature.

"Um Kankurou, as much as I hate it, aren't _we _IN the _Naruto _world?"

Completely ignoring Temari, Kankurou went on, "I've lost my passion for that show. It's gotten boring. Somehow even the Pein arc was boring and I stopped watching after the part with Ibiki and the cat statue thing."

Kankurou sat up, his eyes narrowed in a very cool way (I'm serious. It's something canon Sasuke would do).

"I like cats."

Temari pulled Kankurou's head off and threw it across the room. But not really.

"Speaking of which," said Temari all prissily AS USUAL, sinking into the couch, "what happened to the audition? Like, where is everybody?"

"Like I'd know," chuckled Kankurou.

"Kankurou, stop acting cool. You're pissing me off."

"I'm not acting."

"Wait…Kankurou did you just come back with a comeback that actually _made sense_?" yelled Temari across the room.

"Um, yeah. Don't I always?" said Kankurou, raising an eyebrow. He seemed rather unperturbed at his suddenly OCness, or should it be OOCness? In this story anyway.

"Uh…" Temari backed away slowly. She was scared. She was very scared.

"You know Temari, I was thinking. I want a bit of change. I know I've been a crybaby cat loving puppeteer in the past, but I kind of want to be a little more mature now. You know? It's like, I want to set a good example for Gaara and since I'm the man of the family, putting Baki aside, I'd like to take better care of it."

Temari just stared.

"In the past, you were the only sane one and you always carried the heavy burden of being the straight man, or woman as the case may be while I was the free-wheeling joker that never made any sense. And Gaara was always just creeping the hell outta us. But I think I want to change all that."

"Kankurou," Temari said gently, "did you bump your head? Or do you feel cold?"

"I'm perfectly fine Temari. Like I said, I just want to change. _Naruto_…hmph, that's just a little kid's show. I'm almost twenty now and it's weird if I keep acting like this. Someday I'm going to have to get married, have kids. That kind of thing. I think maybe I should do something else. I think being a ninja is too kiddy for me, you know?"

Temari nearly puked when she heard the words _get married, have kids_. But then she took a deep breath and tried her best to respond to thing she was talking to—Kankurou's long lost rationality.

"Then…what _do _you want to be?"

"A hitman."

"Isn't a ninja a kind of hitman?" Temari's temple throbbed. Apparently, he never had any rationality to begin with.

"There's a difference."

"And what's that difference?"

"They use guns. They have cool moves like Zero Point Breakthrough. They get to use tonfas and whips and don't forget handcuffs. And they have cute baby hitmen dressed in cow suits. And bazookas that can magically age people ten years too."

Temari's mouth hung open.

"Where the crap did you get that from?"

"See Temari, I've been watching another anime these few days. And I think it's waaaay better than _Naruto_. It's called _Katekyo Hitman Reborn_ and it is now my favourite anime."

"Hate to break it to you, but we LIVE in the freaking _Naruto _world," said Temari the party pooper. Loudly.

Once again, she was ignored, and Kankurou, "So I was thinking we should get a complete revamp. And we should all rename ourselves after people in KHR."

"No," came the _affirmation_.

Said affirmation was ignored. Again. Kankurou pulled out his copy of _The Weekly Puppeteer _that hadn't seen the light of day since last July and began to scribble across it.

"K-Kankurou! What are you doing? You love that magazine!"

"Not anymore. I've subscribed to _Mafia Monthly_."

"Then wh-what about Karasu and the others?"

"Karasu who?"

A blood curdling shriek pierced the still desert air. Yet no one really cared. Not even Baki, who was doing…things in his private studio cum auditorium.

"I don't know you anymore," Temari breathed.

"Done!" said Kankurou, lifting up the desecrated magazine. On it, a list of things were written.

"Today we're going to re-enact episode 201! So this is the cast list!"

Temari, who had become hardened to Kankurou's suddenly character change, "What is this? Another movie audition? We haven't even finished the current movie arc and now you want to re-enact some episode from some half bit mafia anime that doesn't even have blood in it despite the fact that it's a MAFIA anime."

"Hey, that's because of young children like Lambo and I-pin in it! As well as the Arcobalenos and stuff."

"What…the hell. Whoever heard of babies who can use guns and fight? Babies are supposed to wear diapers, poop in them and cry all day."

"AHA! Temari, you watch it too don't you? If not, how did you know about the Arcobalenos?"

"Doh!" Temari cursed, "fine, you got me. But I watch it to laugh at it OK?"

"Are you sure it's not for…Hibari?"

_Curses. He got me again. What's with his sudden perceptiveness. Grr…but Hibari _is _pretty hot, what with his steel tonfas and his being voiced by Kondo Takeshi…_

"Ah whatever. Lemme see that list."

Surprisingly, Kankurou's penmanship had improved dramatically. His words were finally legible now and could even be called English words!

Kankurou's Cast List for the Re-Enactment of KHR Episode 201

1. Sawada Tsunayoshi—Gaara  
2. Gokudera Hayato—Uzumaki Naruto  
3. Yamamato Takeshi—Uchiha Sasuke  
4. Sasagawa Ryohei—Rock Lee  
5. Rokudo Mukuro—Temari  
6. Chrome Dokuro—Nara Shikamaru  
7. Hibari Kyouya—Baki  
8. Belphegor—Yamato  
9. That really gross green haired guy whose name I don't know—Hyuuga Neji  
10. Byakuran—Hyuuga Hinata  
11. Irie Shoichi—Yamanaka Ino  
12. Reborn—Sarutobi Asuma  
13. Bianchi—Hoshigaki Kisame  
14. Yuni—Uchiha Itachi  
15. Fuuta—Akimichi Chouji  
16. Miura Haru—Pein  
17. Xanxus—Yuuhi Kurenai  
18. Sasagawa Kyoko—Hidan  
19. Superbi Squalo—Sephiroth  
20. Lal Mirch—Kakuzu

"KANKUROU THIS IS THE WORST CAST LIST IN THE WORLD. SEPHIROTH ISN'T EVEN FROM _NARUTO _AND WHY THE HELL AM I MUKURO AND WHY THE HELL IS SHIKAMRU CHROME AND HOW DARE YOU CAST BAKI AS HIBARI THAT'S THE BIGGEST INSULT TO HIBARI I AM GOING TO KILL YOU I SWEAR KANKUROU AND THEN I AM GOING TO DESERCRATE YOUR DEAD BODY AND FEED IT TO THE VICTIMS OF THE SLASHER IN IKEBUKURO."

"Nice run on Temari. Anyway, I'm going to go look for all of them. You stay here and get a trident or something alright Temari? See ya."

And with that, the cat-suit wearing puppeteer left the living room.

(Three hours later.)

Twenty people were gathered outside the Sand Siblings' house in the middle of the desert.

"Hey…wait a minute, where in the cat poop is Asuma anyway?" demanded Kankurou.

Everyone stared.

"Um he's dead. I #$%&81* killed him," said Hidan calmly, adjusting his Kyoko wig and his Kyoko dress.

"Then why are you here?" asked Shikamaru, in the midst of dyeing his hair dark blue and putting on an eyepatch and a female Kokuyo uniform (OMG. It's really SHORT), "I thought I threw you into a pit or something."

"Heh I made friends with the !#$%^&* deer. Then that stupid !#$%^&* catsuit guy found me."

"Bah whatever."

"Shikamaru, this is your sensei's killer we're talking about. Can't you like…care more?" asked Kurenai.

"No," yawned Shikamaru, "does this skirt make me look fat?"

"Temari! What are you doing? Put in those Six Path contacts or something will ya! Dye your hair blue to. Just look at Shikamaru!"

Temari's eye twitched.

Then Pein walked over.

"If you like Miss Temari, I'm willing to offer you a trade. I believe I'm more suited to the role of Rokudo Mukuro since I _do _have the Deva Paths. And you can be Miura Haru, since both of you are girls," said Pein politely.

But before Temari could answer, Kankurou came over and slapped Pein. Hard. So hard that he fell to the ground.

"SHAAADUP," said Kankurou boorishly, "I SAID SHAAADUPP."

"I…heard you," said Pein, sniffing.

"What did I just say?"

"Shut up?"

"No, I said SHAADUPP. Say it like that ya hear?"

"Alright…shaad…up?"

"Better. See hear mac, I don't want no punks exchanging no roles. Capice?"

"I get it," sniffed Pein. Again.

"What's…with that? Why am I surrounded by so many freaks?" Temari trembled.

"OK places, places everyone. Alright the first thing is Hinata has to hug Gaara because Byakuran had that special hand thing to do that, but Hinata obviously can't so she has to hug him physically."

Hinata raised a hand.

"Um…why am I Byakuran?"

"Because you have the Byakugan, so it sounds like Byakuran so you get to be Byakuran."

"Objection," said Neji prissily, not unlike Temari, "I have the Byakugan too, so why am I that green haired guy nobody knows? I'd say I'm much better suited to be this Byakuran man than Hinata."

"Do you _want _to hug Gaara? You do don't you? Neji?" said Kankurou evilly.

Gaara stared at Neji.

"Fine…" hissed Neji.

So Hinata hugged Gaara who just stood there. And all the GaaHina fans died right there and then.

"Now Gokudera has to shout 'Juudaime!' and Yamamoto has to shout 'Tsuna!'"

"Wait," said Sasuke, "am I Yamamoto?"

"Duh Sasuke, you are such a retard," laughed Naruto, "I'm the Genkishi right? It fits my Jinchuuriki persona well."

"No, retard no. 2, YOU'RE Gokudera."

"I don't see why I need to shout that," said Naruto folding his arms, "_I'm _probably going to be the Juudaime Hokage. And besides I'm not gonna shout that to some two-bit Kazekage who can't even defend himself from the Akatsuki and has to rely on Chuunin and Sakura to save him."

"Hey!" said Sakura, "I'm a Chuunin too!"

"Naruto…" said Gaara sadly, "I thought we were friends."

"SHAADUPP!" hollered Kankurou, "I said SHAADUPP!"

Alas, he was ignored because everyone was amazed at Naruto's rather jaded outburst which was completely out of character.

"It's probably PMS," said Shino who had come anyway.

Everyone present gasped because it was unlike Shino to come up with such witty remarks.

"OK OK, now let's get back to this. One of you talk!"

"Um…oh no Tsuna is being attacked by Byakuran!" said Kurenai, who was supposed to be playing Xanxus.

"We should help him…pfft…because he's…pfft…ahahahahahahaha!" Kisame a.k.a Bianchi burst into laughter, "I still can't get over the fact that Itachi's wearing TIGHTS!"

"Die Kisame," said Itachi nonchalantly, looking rather attractive as he cosplayed as Yuni.

"Aw man, you guys are hopeless, let's just skip to the part after Tsuna faints and Byakuran's talking to Yuni."

Gaara lay face down on the ground, very still. Hinata returned to her place in the middle of a circle drawn by Kankurou with a stick and Itachi stood in front of her.

Rings were thrown around. Not only that, some people (Rock Lee and Naruto) had gotten hold of Sephiroth's sword and were sowing discord with it. Sephiroth killed them as a result. Purpose? No one knows.

"Um…we're…finally alone…Ita-I mean Yuni-ch-chan…" stammered Hinata, in the face of the Akatsuki member in tights.

(CUE ITAHINA fangirls. They are seriously twisted.)

"Oh, oh yeah…um…" Itachi proceeded to make some sounds that were not uncommon in an ecchi harem anime.

"YUNI-CHAAAAN!" screamed Pein passionately. He was really getting into his role as Haru.

"TSUNA-SAAAN!" he screamed again, turning in the direction of the unmoving Gaara.

"!#$%^&*Tsuna-!#$%^&*kun," said Hidan.

"You're…uh…hiding…hi-hiding…something under your…um…cl-cloak aren't…you?"

"I am?" said Itachi, looking around, "oh yeah, I am. Oops."

Pacifiers fell to the ground.

"So…Mammon's going to come back?" said Yamato rather nervously.

"CUUUUT" shouted Kankurou, "WHERE'S REBORN?"

"I thought we told you he died," said Shikamaru a.k.a Chrome.

"Shut it Pineapple Girl herbivore," snapped Kankurou.

"Hey that's _my _line," said Baki, speaking for the first time in the chapter.

"But whatever, just get on with it."

"Um what do I do now?" asked Itachi.

"Water them! Idiot! Then they'll grow into Arcobaleno. Geez," said Kankurou.

The rest of the time was spent watching Itachi water pacifiers.

Gaara woke with a start.

He stood up and saw Sakura in a quivering heap on the ground and everyone laughing happily at her plight. A laptop lay a few inches away from said casualty.

"Urgh, I had the dumbest dream," he said to Kankurou, who was picking his nose.

* * *

**A/N: OK I wanted this to be longer but I ran out of ideas. So anywho I am planning to continue the movie arc so don't worry about that. I'm just on a tiny hiatus, s'all. Well I suggest you guys watch the episode to get what this chapter was about. I haven't watched KHR to THAT extent yet. I'm only at like ep 69 or something. Not to mention I skipped the first 20 eps or something. But iut's true I've stopped watching/reading **_**Naruto. **_**Sorry about the DRRR and FF reference. I couldn't resist. And yes, I know, most of the plot points have already been forgotten and I'm losing my touch. Haha. Well, review nonetheless.**


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